Zombie 2.0 1/2

“You need to grab it tighter.” Rev said.

“I can’t, it keeps slipping.” Deci said.

“Don’t be squeamish, just reach right in there and grab it!”

Of course Deci knew if Dean or Banana just randomly walked around the corner they would think something terrible was going on. It wasn’t in all honesty, she was trying to pry a gun from a bloody body. Of a man Rev just killed.

“I think it’s empty anyways.” She said.

“You just don’t wanna touch it.” Rev said.

“You’re right. You touch it.”

“FUCK NO! I am not touching ANYTHING. Ever. Unless it’s got a nice pair of jugs.”

Deci rolled her eyes. It was a common trait amongst her and Banana. Of course running the roads with Dean and Rev called for it.

“Alright, well we got the gas right?” She asked.

“Yepp and loaded it in to the trunk. Now do you think we should go back in and get food? I mean, I hate to sound like a guy but I’m fucking hungry.” Rev said.

“Me too. I really could use a Twinkie right now.”

“Alright, then let’s go. Hey…I have a great idea. Why don’t we fuck with Dean and Banana? Why don’t-”

“Another time sir. Another time. Do you hear that?”

They stopped and waited and listened in the silence. But that was just it. It wasn’t silent. They heard Dean screaming at the top of his lungs.

“What’s he saying?”

“We’re all gonna die?” Rev asked.

“No… I’m pretty sure he’s saying ‘I found pie.’” Deci said.

“I wonder if it’s good.” he asked as they walked to the diner.

“I don’t think it matters. He found pie. Whether it’s good or not doesn’t matter to him.”

“Well when he gets the shits on the road im not covering his back.”

She laughed. “Well we’ll let Banana do that. She’s the one who isn’t babysitting him now. I bet that pie has… pie aids. Or something.”

They walked back around the corner and opened the door and saw Dean with his cheeks puffed up like a chipmunk.

“THIS PIE IS STILL GOOD!” He yelled.

“I’ll pass.”

“Me too.” Rev said.

“Good! I wasn’t gunna share it with you guys anyways.” Dean said.

“Where is Banana? Did you let her go off on her own?”

The look that came over Dean’s face was that of regret and too much pie. He looked down at the fork and then back up at the last place he saw Banana. “Oh my god.” he said. “I let her go off alone! I hope she’s brave! I hope she holds in, oh BANANA BE BRAVE LITTLE BANANA!” Dean went to set the pie down, but re-thought it and took one last huge bite. “Okay,” he said but it was muffled with pie, “Let’s go.”

They went out in to the front yelling for Banana, but she didn’t answer.

“This is cute! You’re the one who insisted we have rules! Why would you break them?!”

“Because I didn’t know when the next time I saw a good pie would be! I had no idea if I would ever feel that feeling again!” Dean looked like a little kid throwing a fit so Deci gave up and continued the search for Banana.

“Hey guys…” Rev said from behind a school bus.

“If you’re having trouble peeing just think of a river.” Dean said.

“No you pie addict, not that. Come here.”

They all went to where Rev was and found Banana leaned up against the bus. She was snoring.

“I can’t believe this.” Dean said putting his hands on his hips.

“I can. What I can’t believe is you let her go do this on her own! What if a zombie would have came near her!”

“Uhhh-”

But before Dean could answer Banana jumped up and grabbed her 45 and pointed it at Dean.

“What the hell! I know I let you go on the count of pie, but I swear I love you more than the pie, I’ll even marry you right now if that’ll prove my love of you over pie!” Dean was saying.

“Relax. I heard the sound ‘uhhh’ and it sounded like one of those brainless dead, so I thought I’d be prepared when I came out of my nap.”

“Hey… are you calling me brainless?”

“No, I didn’t say that. I said you sounded like a brainless person. Didn’t say you were…”

Dean shrugged. “So… about that marriage proposal…”

“Jeez, maybe I should have just shot you.”

“What?”

Rev laughed. “Alright, are we going to get food? Cause I’m hungry. And I can’t function on an empty stomach.”

“Your stomach is always empty then.” Banana said.

“You guys shoulda let her nap. Now she’s cranky.” Deci said.

They all walked back in to the diner and grabbed a hand basket.

“Well ladies and…ladies… let’s get shoppin’ done with. “Banana said.

“I hated doing it when the rest of the world was alive, this might actually be better.” Rev said.

“And it’s free. Everything in a zombie apocalypse is free.” Deci said.

“Meh, all I really care about is the pie.” Dean said he began walking down the isle. Banana snappily moved down the isle, not to far behind Dean.

“All I care about is sleep and would you guys give it to me? No, of course not. God.” Banana huffed.

“Now, now children, let this family outing be a good one. Lets not ruin the quietness with silly squabble .” Rev said going down the next isle with Deci. All that could be heard were the grumblings of Banana.

“Great now we have to deal with an angry Banana and we all know that an angry Banana is and evil Banana.” Deci said as she threw some cans of spaghetti and meatballs into the basket.

“Eh she’ll cool down before we leave the store.” The Rev said nonchalantly.

Deci and Rev had worked their way to the end of the isles and noticed a few shopping carts hanging out.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Rev asked.

“I might be…what?” Deci asked.

“SILLY TIME!”

“What?” She looked at him.

“You know how in the movies when the main characters just go do something REALLY dumb. Like puppies and rainbows and kittens and fluffy dumb?”

“Uh?”

“I HEARD THAT!” Banana’s yelled.

“I’m not a zombie!” Deci yelled back.

“Oh. Good. I didn’t wanna have to shoot you!”

“I’m sure…”

“Ok, I didn’t want to have to waste bullets.”

“That’s more like it.”

When Deci turned around Rev was already in the shopping cart wearing a strange smiling face. “Push me.” He said.

“What?”

“Push me. You know, get behind my cart, and PUSH!”

Deci walked over and started turning the cart around. “What is the point in this?”

“What is the point in surviving this far in a zombie outbreak without having a little stupid spontaneous-ness?”

“I guess your right.”

“Now, here’s what we’re gonna do.”

On the other side of the store Banana and Dean were looking at the piles of bologna and other sandwich meats laying around rotting.

“I wonder if this is the smell we smelled?” Dean asked.

“If you want to believe that, sure.” Banana grinned at him with a childish grin.

“It’s… not…what we smelled?” Dean asked.

“Yes. Yes it is. Oh look, is that a pie?”

“Don’t tease me woman. I will leave you again.”

Banana laughed, her bad mood slowly lifting even though she knew she needed a nap. She probably shouldn’t have fallen asleep behind a bus all alone with no one around but she knew that if her friends hadn’t of come looking for her, she would have had to kill them.

“SACKKKKKKKKKKK!”

When Dean and Banana turned around there was Rev and Deci in a shopping cart racing at them. Deci was holding on to the back looking a little scared as the cart wobbled and then crashed on to the floor.

Rev went sliding with the cart a few feet and Deci laid on the floor looking up at the ceiling.

Rev crawled out of the cart and stood up looking around.

“Next time I’m driving.” he said.

“Next time you should try steering.” Deci said.

Rev went over and helped her up and when they looked behind them Banana and Dean were gone.

“Oh it’s like Dean to run off on his friends, but Banana? It’s not like her to just-”

All of the sudden Rev felt something slimey run down his face.

“I don’t wanna know.” He said closing his eyes. “Are my brains falling out?”

“What? No… not unless your brains are left over pie…” Deci said. Suddenly she reached over to her shoulder and felt something cold and slimey as well.

“What the-”

“SACK!”

It was a blur, no one knew what was going on. Except the people behind it.

Rev grabbed Deci’s arm and they ran to the frozen food section and there under a display they hid.

“What is this? War? I don’t remember war. I don’t remember this, why are they picking on us!” Rev asked in a whisper.

“I don’t know, maybe us barrel assing at them in a shopping cart was some sort of red flag. You ever think about that?” Deci asked.

“Come out, come out where ever you are.” Dean said walking around with a hand full of pie.

“We won’t hurt you. Not a lot at least.” Banana said.

The tone of their voice chilled Deci and Rev. How creepy. They sounded like they really wanted blood.

“I think-” Deci began to whisper to Rev before his hand slapped over her mouth to conceal any noise from leaving it.

Then all was silent.

But then there was a slimy solid hanging over his hand and onto her face.

“Egh..” The Rev grunted and Deci could only assume the same happened to him. They both rolled out and Deci saw what the slimy solid thing was. It was some of that nasty, rotting, and moldy sandwich meat.

Deci gagged before throwing it a good distance away and taking a look at Rev. What she saw was that there was the gross pie from earlier smeared all over his face. He flung some off his face, not to far from Dean.

They both looked up to see joyous and triumphant smiles.

“So are you done messing with us?” Banana asked.

“Oh yeah you really taught us a lesson.” Deci said and upon getting another wiff of the rotten meat gagged again.

“I have to go wash this off. Before I throw up. And I will toss you in my spew.” She said.

“I think maybe I should go with you.” Rev said. “You know for personal reasons and for rule reasons. I think I need a shower in general now.”

They walked off leaving Dean and Banana to get the rest of the stuff and put it in the car.

When Deci and Rev were all washed up they made their way back to the front of the store and almost made it out before they heard a box being knocked over three isles behind them.

“Stop.” Rev said.

“Let me guess, this isn’t hammer time is it?”

“No. Not at all.”

They listened and didn’t hear anything so they started to walk out again only this time they heard feet scuffling.

“Get your bat.” Rev said.

“Oh yeah good idea… oh wait, I don’t have it on me!” She whispered.

“Good job! I don’t have my axe either!”

“Well we can’t yell for help, they’ll hear us.”

“Isn’t that what you want to happen?”

“No, I mean, if that’s a zombie. It’ll hear us.” She whispered again.

“So let’s just make a run for it.”

“I don’t think that’ll work either.”

“No you’re right, let’s just stand here and think of everything we don’t have and shouldn’t do. You’re right. As always.”

A black flash moved from behind a display of oreos.

“What the fuck? It moves so fast…”

“We should get out of here. I take back all the crap I said before. Let’s go. We can make it.”

They turned to run but suddenly a voice behind them yelled.

“Stop!”

They froze.

“Oh god they talk!” Rev said.

“Great, now we’re gonna have to hear them bitching too.” Deci said.

“I’m not a zombie.” Said the voice.

“Or are you?” Rev said, they were still facing the door.

“I have a gun.”

“That’s nice, so do we. Just not here.” Deci said.

“Turn around slowly.” the voice said.

When they turned around they were shocked to see a man standing there. It was non other than Wayne Brady.

“Wayne Brady? Is that…you?”

“Is that black joke?”

“No, it’s not.. No. I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t an imposter.” Rev said.

“Well it’s not. It’s really me. What are you guys doing here?”

“Getting supplies. What..are you doing here?” Deci asked.

“I was-”

But suddenly his face looked horrified. There was a snapping sound and then gurgling.

“What?” Rev asked to no one in particular.

When Wayne Brady fell there was a zombie standing there looking directly at them. He was drooling, or rather losing blood out of his face, from where he bit Wayne.

“Do you think it’s a slow one, or a fast one?” Rev asked.

“I don’t know, Let me run in front of you, and we’ll find out.”

“Oh no you’re not gonna do that to me. If anyone is getting tripped here it’s Dean. And since he’s, you know what? Never mind in the time we argue we could have gotten away.” Rev said.

They turned and quickly ran out the door yelling and screaming.

“GUYS! There’s a god damn zombie in there!”

Dean had his head in the trunk loading stuff, but when he heard their screams he raised his head. A little too fast. He slammed it on the trunk.

“Ouch god damnit.”

“IT JUST FUCKING KILLED WAYNE FUCKING BRADY!” Deci was screaming.

“Wayne Brady? What the hell? Why was Wayne-OH shit!” Banana stopped in her tracks. Behind them running out of the store was five zombies.

“THEY MULTIPLIED!” Deci said looking behind her.

“Why didn’t you guys kill some of them!?” Banana asked as Dean came up beside her.

“I don’t know! Because maybe I don’t have Chuck Norris’ powers! I can’t just round house the mother fuckers!” Rev yelled.

“Where the hell are your weapons?”

“We lost our primary, now we need our secondary!” Deci yelled they finally got to the car.

“Well shit, you have your damn gun shoot them!” Banana yelled at Dean.

“I just bashed my head. I can’t shoot strait.”

“God damnit!” Deci grabbed a rifle from the back window and aimed. She did good on the first two, headshots, something that she learned in video games that shockingly did apply to real life. That and hunting with all of her brothers finally paid off.

The other three however still looked hungry and she didn’t have enough time to aim. They were slow, but they weren’t that slow.

“Quick, let’s just get in the car and Rev, you drive. Time to unlock that achievement.” Dean said.

“Really?” Rev said looking happy.

“No, get in the passenger side, you need to shoot.”

Rev grumbled and got in and the girls got in back.

“Time to get some extra points.” Dean said and turned on the car.

The only problem was, the car didn’t start.

“What the fuck.” Banana mumbled. “Jesus. You’d think this was a bad movie, or better yet you’d think Deci and I were sitting at home writing this story right now.”

All four people in the car stopped and looked at each other. It was silent for a second.

“Nah.” Rev said and stuck his gun out the window. He fired and nailed one of the zombies, leaving two left.

“Come on start. Start. I’m good to you. I clean you, I feed you. I make … love… no… but still! If it weren’t wrong, I swear, me and you baby.” Dean was rubbing the dashboard.

“Oh god, if it starts and we make it out alive remind me to switch partners.” Banana said.

“Who would I have then?” Dean asked.

“Your car.” She said.

Finally the car turned over and Dean punched the gas. They sped out and got on the main road once more, heading North for the mountain.