Never Going to Be the Same

A year and a half was the time Taylor had spent on her relationship with Ben, but here she was now. Alone. He didn't think it would be a good idea for them to have a long distance relationship because he believed that they never worked. Taylor didn't even get to have her thoughts heard, it was like he didn't want her to talk him out of his decision. So while everyone was saying their good-byes to Ben, Taylor was laying in the hammock in her backyard while tears fell from her face. In two days she would be leaving as well and that would hopefully give her a fresh start.

She could hear the latch on the gate unlock and the door open up. “I figured I'd find you here.”

Wiping away the tears with her long sleeve, Taylor saw Ben walking towards her. “I never was one for those long good-byes. I figured what you said last night on the phone was enough.”

“Tay, you know I care about you,” Ben started as he stood at the foot of the hammock. “I just don't think-”

“That's your problem, Benjamin,” Taylor said moving her arms over her face. “You don't think or let others give you another option. I mean all it was that you were doing was breaking up with me after a year and a half.”

“Taylor, I thought you understood and we were gonna be friends.”

“I thought you were heading out.” Taylor commented

“I wanted to make sure that we were okay,” Ben sighed. “I know things are gonna be hard, but I think we can be friends again.”

Moving her arm from off her face, she looked at him as she heard a car horn. “I think that's the signal for you to get going.”

“Tay...”

“Friendship takes time, Ben.”

Watching him walk away, Taylor let more tears fall as she felt her heart break into a million pieces. “I love you Benjamin Blood.”

Wiping her face with her sleeve, Taylor let out a sob into the pillow as she turned her head. She wanted nothing more than to run after Ben and to tell him that she loved him and that if he just wanted to be free then fine as long as he came back to her. But that wasn't what he wanted and she knew in the long run that their relationship wouldn't have worked out as well as she hoped. The only problem was the her heart didn't get the message.

With Ben at North Dakota and Taylor in New York both of their lives were busy as they attended their classes and tried to have social lives. Ben had been the first one to initiate contact, but not through the phone. Instead he e-mailed every other day it seemed, but Taylor didn't respond at first. After the second week of his constant e-mails Taylor finally replied back. But that had been early in the school year and it was now going on winter break and the emails were practically non-existent. It was the first time that Ben would be home from college and from what one of her friends back home had told her. Another thing her friend had told her was that Ben was looking forward to seeing her. Hearing that almost made her want to go home, but she had already told her parents that she was staying in New York for the holidays. Part of the reason she was staying was because she didn't know how seeing Ben after all this time would affect her, but the other was because some of her friends had decided to also stay and they were all spending their first Christmas in New York together.

For the first time since Ben had broken up wit her, Taylor felt like she could put herself out there again. When Ben had ended their relationship so that he could go off to college single, it had left her heart broken. She didn't want to admit to it then, but there were times that she thought he would call and tell her that he missed her and wanted to try the long distance relationship, that they could handle it. Unfortunately that call never came and while she continued to wait for the call, Taylor busied herself in her studies and work and nothing else. So while she aced her classes and worked to forget about Ben, she realized that she couldn't just forget about him. He was her first love, which made things so much harder than she wanted to admit to. But now it was all about to be different. Christmas with the few friends that she had made in New York instead of going home and answering a million questions about why she never came home to visit and more importantly, there would be no chance for her to run into Ben Blood. That was how it had to be from now on, it had to be about her and not about him.

The holidays went by fast in New York, but Taylor was happy for it. She had her first date with the guy she had met at a party her friend had convinced her to go with her to. Thinking about it brought a smile to her face.

Hearing her phone go off, Taylor flipped it open without looking at who it was calling her. “Hello?”

“Hey, Tay.”

“Ben, hi.” Taylor said in a surprised voice.

“I didn't think you'd take my call since the last few times it has gone right to voicemail.”

“Yeah,” Taylor said as she unlocked the door of her dorm and was thankful that her roommate wasn't home. “I've been busy with school and work.”

“Too busy to even come home for the holidays?”

“Ben, I explained it to everyone and I don't need another lecture about my choice of where I want to spend my holidays.”

“I was just really looking forward to seeing you Tay. And I thought it would give us the chance to catch up on each others lives. I've missed you.”

“Ben...” Taylor sighed as she sat at her desk where her computer was set up in the room. “You can't do this to me anymore.”

“Do what?”

“Call me and make me feel guilty for trying to have a life. You broke up with me while I was in love with you,” Taylor told him. “I just can't talk to you right now. Good-bye Benjamin.”

Without giving him a chance to say anything, Taylor hung up the phone before darting over to her bed and letting the tears fall. All the feelings she had felt for Ben were still there and hearing his voice reminded Taylor how much she missed him and the fact that she missed him. She missed him more than she wanted to. By the time four o'clock came around, she called her date and canceled. There was a chance that he wouldn't want to see her again, but she couldn't go out tonight, not when all of the feelings she had for Ben were brought back to the surface because of one stupid phone call from him.

While she was laying in bed, Taylor had done everything she could to get over Ben. But the feelings were still there. Her time with him had been magical, but he was the one that walked away from them. She loved him, he was her first love. A love she had never felt before and it made everything around her seem as if it would be okay, because of their love. Letting go of Ben had been extremely hard, but now she had to look to the future.

Sitting up, she knew that she would have to fall in love if she ever wanted to get over Benjamin Blood. It was the only way she would get her heart back. Although she knew if she fell in love again, it would take time and it would never be the same as it had been with Ben. After all, how could anyone ever compare to her first and true love? He had been everything she had wanted, but it was over now. And looking to the future, Taylor knew she had to look for the positives.

If she fell in love with someone new, it would be a different experience and a whole new adventure. Since the day Ben broke up with her, she had been trying to make sense of it, but now she could see that it was pointless. There was no sense behind it and that's why it had taken her as long as it did to figure that out. Although she had loved him more than she thought possible, Ben was not replaceable. But what the future held was hopefully someone that would take time with her and love her and not break her heart and expect everything to be okay. Because when it happened the first time it hurt and Taylor wasn't sure if she could go through that again.

For the girl that wore her heart on her sleeve, she knew from the moment that they went their separate ways that nothing was going to be the same again. But at this moment, Taylor was okay with knowing it. Maybe one day, she would really get to have that friendship with Ben, but for now, she had to accept the fact that nothing was going to be the same.