Watch You Cry

“You... You were drinking? Why in the world were yo—“

“Please save me the lecture; I know it was not my smartest move...” Declan breathed out heavily, heaving her lungs in order to calm herself. She was frustrated, she was bothered, and she was clueless. All she wanted was some answers. Just some damn answers. Something life had yet to grace her with.

“Why did it happen? Why would blood be in my stomach?” She almost demanded, lifting her pale hands from their place in her lap and onto the arm rests of her chair adjacent from her doctor.

Dr. Reeve peered at the small girl through the lenses of his small glasses, confused and in all admission – worried. Beyond any possible explanation, the man couldn’t fathom why a girl in Declan’s frail condition would risk feeding the problem.

“Well,” he began, removing his glasses in order to rub the stress from the corners of his aging eyes. “Your body is already... failing. So throwing a pile of toxins into isn’t very much going to help it, is it? You’re almost kicking yourself when you’re already down. How do you expect to get up if you’re the one going against yourself?”

There was a pregnant pause among the already tense room. The blonde sat completely still, her hands now back into the lap of her legging clad legs, folded over as usual as her eyes zeroed in on the specialist.

“I thought I was never going to get up.”

The cold tone of Declan’s words left the doctor frozen, ironically. He hadn’t ever heard this girl act so... defeated. Declan Slade had always been rather passive, but she had never appeared to have given up, regardless of the expectance of her life.

“And, what? You’ve accepted this?” The man asked carefully, avoiding hurting the girl more emotionally than she already was physically.

“I didn’t think I had much choice.” She spat, looking away the man before her and averting her blue eyes around the room. She honestly didn’t plan to be so harsh upon deciding to visit the man, but all she could let herself do was close off. In actual fact, Declan was afraid.

Mostly, Declan was afraid that while her body appeared to be completely giving up on her, for the first time, she really didn’t want it to. She didn’t want this life where all she had to expect in the long run was not being there for it. She didn’t want her name to be in the local paper under some tragic title, or even not in the paper at all, just around town by word of mouth. She didn’t want to be on the minds of people she had never met but had been living in the same town with her whole life. After having lived a little in the last twenty-four hours, she could help but crave the normalcy. She wanted to enjoy a life that wasn’t all about creating a facade or side-stepping an overbearing elephant in the room. Lately, Declan found herself finally asking whoever truly was out there controlling her life, ‘Why me?’

“Declan, it’s not over. Your life isn’t over. You said so yourself, you’re still here. Why are you saying this?”

The small girl found that the blue eyes roaming the small office were now brimming with unshed tears, aching to fall. With her mind now swirling with thoughts, Declan looked back to the grey-haired man with a new ferocity.

“We know the inevitable, Doc. We shouldn’t kid ourselves, really.” She chuckled humourlessly, wiping quickly at a tear that had escaped down her pale cheek. “I just want to enjoy what I have left. And I know it’s selfish,” She continued, her voice straining as her emotions finally overtook her, “And it’s stupid and reckless, but I want to live. If I can’t have a future, I at least want a present. I just don’t want to think about all this anymore.”

Dr. Reeve throat ached at his restraint on his own emotions, seeing this girl who once seemed so strong suddenly fall apart right in front of him. He felt so much just for knowing her, and now he had a front row seat into her mind, her fears. She was vulnerable at this time and he couldn’t find it in him to front his professionalism.

“I understand, Declan. I think it may be appropriate now for you to make your own decisions. I think you have that right, at least.”

The blonde girl had now taken to staring intently at her fingers, fiddling them within each other as she listened to the doctor’s words, nodding along the way.

“Yes.” She agreed. “That does sound appropriate.”

Suddenly she was standing, pulling the long strap of her bag onto her shoulder and crossing her arms against her chest.

“Please, still have checkups.” Dr. Reeve offered, standing too as Declan headed for the door.
Her hand stopped at the door knob as she looked back at the same doctor she had continuously walked away from for years now, nodding her head hesitantly, knowing it would do both of them comfort. “Thank you, Doc. I will.”

As she exited the doctor’s office, Declan knew she hadn’t lied to the man in her promise to continue her regular attempts at saving. She really would do as she had said, because now she had more to live for. Now she had chosen a life to live for, and nothing had ever scared her more.