Diary Of A Lonely Girl

2nd May 2010.

I woke up to the warm sun shining through my window. My curtains where wide open, just as I had left them the night before, trying to catch a feel of the newly summer breeze roll through my window.
It was warm in my small bedroom. Not a single noise rang through my house as I just laid there, staring up at the ceiling. It felt like heaven, but also a nightmare.

Sooner than I expected, I heard a rush of small footsteps coming my way, to soon have my bedroom door flash open quickly, there stood my little sister, Jessica. Her bright blue eyes glued onto mine as I found myself smiling at her small face. Her smile grew wider and almost in an instant, I had her rushing to bundle onto my bed.

“Mazie get up! It’s my birthday!” she screamed at the top of her small lungs. She erupted into laughter as I started to tickle her sides, her whole body thrown from one side to another, trying to escape but also enjoying it too much. I loved my little sister. She was now only 6 years old, her dark brown hair was a beautiful chocolate colour, and every time the sun shone a glimpse onto it, it shone beautifully.

My mother soon appeared at my door. A slim smile spread across her face as she watched her two daughters enjoy themselves. Her life was never like ours, and she tried her hardest to make our so much better then what she had to go through, but I still feel the pain she had to go through.
When she was 14, her father would start going into her bedroom at night. He would hurt her in so many horrible ways, and she’s never been able to stop thinking about it. When she was at the age of 18, her mother soon realised what had happened, taking my mum away from her dad, and moved to the warm country of Spain.

“Good morning birthday girl! How are you today??” She spoke out, her slim smile trying to grow wider but it stayed the same. Jessica sat up suddenly, her face flush from all the laughter, as she bounded off my bed and to our mum.

They hugged and then soon turned to go downstairs. Mum not saying bye once and Jessica rushing off downstairs quicker than she’s done before. Once again, I was alone.
I do feel sorry for my mum, for what has happened in her life. But the one problem I majorly dislike about her is that every time she comes onto the scene with Jessica and me, I’m always the one left alone…and I find it very unfair to say the least.

Pushing my now messy cover off my skinny frame, I got out of bed and felt the heat from the sun on my pale skin. My eyes landed on the small mirror I had nailed onto my wall when I was only 12. When I started to feel the need to make myself up, to try and fit in with all the ‘popular’ people in my old school. A few months down the line, I gave in to the torture I had to injure…the beatings of the ‘head girl’, the whispers and pranks that were all aimed my way. I was made out to be a fake, which brang everyone through the whole school, attacking me with words and sometimes physically. I couldn’t take it, and soon left.

Walking downstairs, Jessica was buzzing all around the house. Our front room was filled with presents for her, and I could smell my mum was in the kitchen trying to cook a breakfast that we could afford.

“Jessica, make some room in the front room so you can have breakfast” my mum’s voice got louder as she walked from the kitchen, straight past me and into the front room, where Jessica soon pushed away still wrapped presents, and jumped onto the stuffy sofa.

I felt my heart ache. She loved Jessica more than me…she had even told me on my 18th birthday, I remembered her of herself when she was my age…and it hurt to think she put her past before her oldest daughter.
Feeling a slim tear run down my cheek, so I turned away from the happy giggles in the front room, and stalked into the kitchen.

I stood against the sink. Looking out the window into the sun filled mess we called a garden. I wanted to escape from this hell…my mother bringing my own self confidence down all the time, not having a place I felt safe and happy in. Jessica was the only thing keeping me in this hell, because I couldn’t leave her alone with my mum…I didn’t want to pass the pain I had filling me, day after day, to my sister who wasn’t even the right age to understand what has happened in both my life and mum’s.

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It soon became the evening. My eyes feeling heavy from the sleep that wanted to consume me, but as the clock soon struck 8pm, Jessica was still whooshing around like she had just woken up. She’s been like this all day, and I know…it’s going to be special for being the grand age of 6, but this was being to much. She should have gone to sleep now, but my mum was trying to hold on the day even longer. I couldn’t believe my mother was actually being like this on her birthday, when I turned 18…she just gave me a badly wrapped gift, and then took Jessica out for the day.

“Ica, I think I’m going to head to bed. I’m very tired and I need to get up to take you to school tomorrow” I spoke out before I realised. Jessica’s face fell, her steps stopping straight away and a quiver soon took over her bottom lip. I hated when she made that face…

“But but but…Mazie…I wanted to stay up till 9 with you, spend my whole day with my big sister…can’t I??” Her eyes looked like they were about to explode with tears and I couldn’t take the sight of her crying face and snotty nose.

“Ica, I need to go…you can come tuck me in if you want?? I need sleep darling” I spoke slowly. Her teary eyes soon becoming clear and her cheeks growing rosey for smiling wide. Running to me, she jumped on my lap and hugged me around my neck tightly. I hugged her small frame against me and buried my face into her hair.

“Thank you Mazie!” she whispered/screeched into my ear. I smiled into her hair and felt the fuzzy warm feeling I longed for from my mother. Jessica was the most amazing girl I have ever known and I can’t imagine my life without her.

“That’s ok Ica. Come on then” I mumbled. Putting her feet onto the floor and standing up slowly. Holding her hand, she pulled me towards the door way and then suddenly stopped. Turning her whole body around, taking her hand and crossing her arms across her chest.

“Say bye to mummy…” her voice sturn. Sighing inside, I turned my body around slowly and met my mum’s eyes. Giving her a side grin, I nodded once to her and then walked away. I wasn’t going to pull myself lower, to say goodnight to my mother who couldn’t even say good morning to me.

Jessica’s footsteps rushed behind me and we soon made our way into my room. She pushed me towards my bed until I was awkwardly laying across it. Pulling at the cover under me still, I lifted up my hips for it to come free.
Pressing it awkwardly across me, she tried her best to tuck every part of my body under the cover, before coming to my face that was free from my blanket.

“Goodnight Mazie, sleep well!!” she kissed my forehead and then bounded out of the room. Closing my door slowly, like I was already asleep and she was trying not to wake me.

I closed my eyes slowly and let my mind wonder. Jessica ran through my mind, smiling her beautiful smile at me. So happy and content, it felt almost real, yet as a dream soon pressed against my mind, that happy feeling soon disappeared and I was left with a horrible feeling in my gut.
Oh how alone I really was.