I Need You So Much Closer

Three days before his band left to record their album and then go on tour, she stood on his front porch, breathing deeply. Sucking in a huge lungful of air, she finally gathered enough nerve to shakily reach and press the doorbell.

"Hey, Sara! What's up?" he greeted her, smiling as he pulled the door open.

"Hey, uhm... Alex. I... need to talk to you."

"Yeah, sure, come on in." He stepped aside to let her pass, but she refused to budge.

"Uhm, here, if you don't mind."

He nodded and stepped forward, pulling the door shut behind him "So... What's up?"

"I know you're about to leave, and it may seem like really bad timing, but honestly, it's perfect. Because I know what you're like, and I couldn't possibly let you go without getting this off my chest first."

"Sara, what the hell are you talking about? You're not pregnant, are you?"

"No, Alex. Y-You're my best friend, Alex, but I love you. I'm in love with you. I always have been, ever since the day I first met you."

She placed her hand on the back of his neck, pulling him towards her to meet her lips. By the time his brain realizes what was happening, she was gone, already in her car and peeling out of the driveway.
He fumbled behind him for the doorknob, making the connection and twisting it open.
Licking his lips, he solidified the taste of his best friend's mouth against his own.

He wasn't sure if anybody was home, but he called out anyway, "Hey, I'm gonna call it a night."

Falling onto his bed, fully clothed, he folded his hands on his chest. As he rolled onto his side, a sigh escaped his lips, which he once again licked.
Sara, two miles away, mimed his exact actions, except for the tear balancing on the tip of her nose before staining her blanket.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alex awoke with a start, sitting upright in his bed. Light streamed gently through the crack in his curtains, falling across the bed.
He wondered for a moment if kissing Sara had been a dream.
Then he realized that he had fallen asleep in his jeans and old blink-182 hoodie.

"It was real," he whispered aloud.

Slowly, he showered and got dressed, thinking the whole time.
As he ate breakfast, he made up his mind.
Leaving his cereal to grow soggy in the souring milk, he grabbed the keys to the car.

"Hey, is Sara in?"

"Sorry, Alex. I've been instructed not to let you in."

"But why?"

"All I know is: last night, she came home crying, and when she got up this morning, she told me she didn't want to see you and went back upstairs."

"So she's in her room?"

Sara's mother eyed Alex, trying to read what he was going to do.

"If you break my window, you pay for it. If you break my daughter, you pay for it."

"But what happens when she breaks me?" he questioned rhetorically, walking away.

For ten long minutes, Alex sat in his car. Finally, he got out and walked so he was standing under Sara's window.
Grabbing a handful of pebbles from the garden, he began tossing them at her window, hoping to provoke signs of life from his best friend's room.

"Alex!" her mother said sharply from the porch, startling him and making him drop the remaining small stones to the ground. "Please, just go home," she said sadly, feeling pity for her youngest daughter and the boy she considered a third son.

"I don't know what I did, Sara, but I'm sorry!" he yelled. "I'm so damn sorry," he whispered, wiping his eyes as he retreated to his home.

When Sara was sure that Alex had gone, she stood and walked to the window, pressing her hand and forehead to the cool glass.

"You made me fall in love with you," she accused in a whisper, warm, salty tears sliding down her cheeks. "But you don't love me back."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Hey, Sara. It's me... Alex. Again. Please, talk to me. This is the fourteenth time I've called you. Please pick up. I'm sorry. What did I do? I mean, I- Did I do something wrong? Sara, we're leaving tomorrow, and I need to talk to you. I-"

"Voicemail box full," a female electronic voice chirped through the phone.

"...Love you," he whispered in defeat. "Bye."

"You have thirteen unheard messages. Press one to listen to unheard messages. Press seven to delete all messages-" A singular tear sliding down her cheek, Sara pressed the corresponding button and listened to the beep. "All messages deleted. Main menu. To-"

Sara's thumb hit the end call button, silencing the voice.

"Please stop," she whispered aloud to the phone before sending Alex a text with the same two words. "I can't take it."

Not waiting for a reply, she powered off the phone before curling into a ball on her bed and sobbing.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Sara! Come to the fucking window!"

"Shut up!" one of Sara's neighbors yelled. "We're trying to sleep here!"

"Fuck off!" he yelled in response.

"Alex," one of his bandmates called. "We've gotta go. Just leave her be."

"But I can't," he whispered. He turned the rock in his hand over once, twice, three times, before aiming and throwing it.

"Alex!"

He turned and walked back to the van.

"I hope you're happy."

"I'm not."

Sara watched the numbers on her clock switch to 4:26. It had been exactly one hundred hours since she last slept. She was exhausted, both physically and mentally, and had begun hallucinating days ago.
Her eyes slid to the rock.
Slowly, gathering her remaining strength, she rose from the chair at her desk and picked up the rock. She removed the envelope from the flat stone before placing the rock on her desk.
She turned the envelope over.
SARA was scrawled across the front and, ignoring the plethora of rabbits that had just appeared on the floor at her feet, she flipped the envelope back over, sliding her thumb under the seal.
Within the envelope were a creased, slightly worn, piece of torn notebook paper and a thick wad of cash.

Sara
I'm sorry.
I'm not sure why you're too upset to talk to me, but I'm sorry. I suspect it might be about the kiss. I need to talk to you. I have to hear your voice. I can't sleep, and I don't want to explain this through a note.
I'm sorry I broke your window. I'm not sure how much it costs, so this is all the money I've got. Use it to pay for a new window, and then you can do whatever you want with the rest.
Please come see us, either while we're recording or touring.
I have to see you, Sara. You're my best friend. I'll go crazy without you. We have to talk.
Love always,
Alex

Tears dotted the paper, moistening the ink from the cheap pen Alex has scrawled the note in, causing it to bleed down the paper.

"God, I wish you meant it," she whispered. She crawled onto her bed and sobbed until her exhausted body finally surrendered and she passed out.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Alex," Sara's oldest brother said as he opened the door, a shocked expression adorning his face. "You're back."

"Where's Sara?" he questioned, pushing his way into the familiar house.

"Alex, she's gone."

Alex froze. "...W-what? I mean- why didn't anybody tell me?"

"She didn't want you to know."

"B-"

"Alex, she left, she didn't die."

"Oh. Thank god. But... she still didn't call or text or anything."

"You hurt her. Really bad."

"But I didn't do anything!"

"Maybe that's what hurt her the most."

Alex simply stood there, rubbing his face. "Where did she go?" he asked after a bit.

"She doesn't-"

"I need to see her, dammit!" he burst out, grabbing Sara's brother's shirt in both fists as he stood toe to toe with him. "I've been trying to tell her I love her for the past seven months, and it took me two years to build up the courage to even admit it! But her phone's been turned off and she hasn't responded to any of my letters! Please," he said, his voice fading from almost yelling to a weak whimper, "I just need to tell Sara that I love her."

"She made me promise-"

"I don't care. Please."

His heart breaking for Sara and Alex, her brother turned and grabbed the notepad from the table by the door.
After he scrawled her number, address, and job information, he tore the sheet off and handed it to Alex, who promptly disappeared, heading straight for the airport.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As soon as he was permitted to, Alex whipped out his phone.

"I've missed you, Sara. A lot," he texted her.

He phone buzzed loudly across the table. She reached for it and flipped it open. The number was uncomfortably familiar and the text itself made her heart break.

"Please, no. Not now," she begged aloud.

Alex pressed send and lifted the phone to his ear.
Her phone buzzed again. Automatically, she pressed "ignore."

"Hey, it's Sara. Do your thing and if I like you, I might get back to you."

It was the same message it had been before, but she sounded tired and weary, not cheerful and laughing, with Alex shouting indistinctly in the background.

"Hey, Sara. It's Alex. But I'm guessing you already know that; that's why you sent me to voicemail." He sighed. "It's so good to hear your voice again. I miss you. I-I love you. Please pick up. I need to talk to you again. I'm going to keep calling until you pick up, just to hear your voice. Uhm... Bye."

The second her phone beeped signifying she had a voicemail, she had the phone against her ear. She quickly entered her password and listened to the message.

"...I mi-"

Her phone beeped, notifying her she had a call. It was Alex. Quickly, she hit "ignore" and had the phone back to her ear.

"...-se pick up. I need to talk to you again."

With every word, her heart both swelled and broke. She erased the message when it ended and awaited his next call.
She had to confront him to get him to leave her alone.
As if on cue, he phone danced across the table.
She hit answer and lifted the phone to her ear.
The ringing stopped and Alex awaited the voicemail message. His breathing stopped when it didn't start.

"S-Sara?" he whispered, eyes wide.

The sound of her name on his lips almost made Sara break down.

"Sara?" he questioned again after a few seconds, his voice stronger. "Sara, are you there?"

She sobbed, quickly hitting the end button, but not before he heard the sound. Quickly, he redialed her number and her phone buzzed in her hands.

"Alex," she choked on his name and he seized the opportunity.

"Sara. Please don't hang up on me, I need to-"

"H-How did you get my number?"

"Your brother. But, Sara-"

"Stop."

"St-"

"Stop calling. Stop texting. Leave me alone. I left and didn't tell you for a reason. I just want to be left alone."

"But... I love you," he said futilely, knowing she'd hung up as she uttered her last word.

Sara hit end as soon as she stopped speaking. She turned her phone off and threw it at her bedroom door. Despite the fact that it was only shortly after eight, she curled into a ball on her bed and sobbed herself to sleep.

"Fuck," Alex swore under his breath.

"Well, maybe if you'd let the poor girl sleep, she'd be more willing to talk to you," the passenger across the aisle commented.

"Fuck off, asshole. Who asked you? Besides, it's only like ten after eight in Hawaii!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alex's plane landed in Honolulu, which was also the location of his hotel.
After a night of barely sleeping and fretful tossing and turning when he did sleep, Alex set out for Sara's island. He found a plane that would take him to Maui and when he landed, he asked one of the locals for directions towards Sara's job. Within fifteen minutes, he was standing in the restaurant.

"Just one?" asked the hostess. She appeared to be a native to the island, with long dark hair and tanned olive skin.

"Actually, I'm looking for someone."

"Oh, then you can go ahead back and find them."

"She works here."

"Oh. Who?"

"Sara...?"

"Yeah, I'll get her. Sare!" she called.

"Yeah?" the familiar voice called back, though Alex couldn't locate her.

"There's a boy here for you."

"Who?" she asked, standing from where she had been crouched behind the counter, a box of napkins in her hand.

As she noticed Alex, her large blue eyes widened, and she dashed through the doors into the kitchen. Alex lunged after her, the hostess not bothering to stop him. He spotted her familiar honey-colored hair as she pleaded with a large, native woman.

"Sara?"

Her entire body tensed and she turned, taking a step back, away from Alex.
The woman surveyed the scene.

"Should I call someone?"

Sara, locking eyes with Alex for the first time in what seemed like centuries, was unable to form words. She simply shook her head.

"Alright. Then, yeah, you can go now." The woman left and Sara took another step back.

Alex reached out and securely grabbed her wrist.

"Can we talk?" he begged."We really need to talk. Please?"

Still unable to talk, she nodded once. He dropped her wrist reluctantly and he walked out the door.
As he followed a step behind her, he noticed how much she'd changed in the past seven months.
The differences were subtle, but he knew her well enough that they seemed substantial. Her hair had lightened and her skin had darkened from the bright, nearly constant sunshine. Her body was a little slimmer and slightly more muscular, so he assumed that she'd picked up swimming or surfing or something of the sort. She also carried herself differently, almost like she was free, yet burdened at the same time.
He sighed heavily and she glanced back quickly.
That made sense. She felt the need to escape from Alex. When she'd finally thought she would be rid of him, he tracked her down, bringing back whatever had made her want to leave.
As he'd been observing Sara, she'd led him to a beach and sat in the sand. It was October, so there weren't many tourists, but it was still warm, in the upper 70's. Alex began to sweat, and it wasn't from the heat.

"How did you-" she began, stopping when she remembered he'd said her brother gave Alex more than enough information to track Sara down on Maui. "Why are you here?"

"You look so beautiful," he said softly.

"Quit the fucking bullshit, Gaskarth," she snapped, her words shocking the both of them. She'd never sworn at him and never, ever referred to him as "Gaskarth."

A mother pulled her young child to his feet and dragged him away from the couple.

"Why are you here?"

"You know why."

"Then say it!"

"Because I fucking missed you!"

The remains of her heart, shoddily taped together, beat in her chest loudly, waiting for him to continue.

"You're my best friend, Sara! Is it really such a crime to miss you?"

Her heart shattered into a hundred pieces, beyond repair, short of either thousands of hours of therapy or some little thing in her chest picking up all the pieces and sewing them together.
Internally, she laughed bitterly at the tiny image of herself picking up the bloody slices of her heart and sewing them back together.

Externally, she spat at Alex, "Fuck you." She pushed herself up, sliding slightly in the sand, and shoved past Alex.
He grabbed her arm and spun her around, grasping both of her upper arms in his hands.

"What do you want me to say?"

"Fuck you, Alex!"

"What the fuck do you want me to say, Sara!?" he yelled, shaking her. "Huh? What?"

"Fucking let me go!" she squealed, thrashing in his grasp and attempting to push herself away against his chest.

The beachgoers avoided the pair.

"Do you want me to sat I love you? I will that make you willing to talk to me?"

"Stop fucking mocking me!" she screamed through the sobs racking her body. "Let me go! You're hurting me, Alex!"

He released her, his handprints still on her tanned skin. Sara continued thrashing and ended up in the sand, sobbing heavily.

"I'm not mocking you," he said, just loud enough that she could hear him.

Sara looked up at him, tears flowing heavily down her cheeks, and his heart broke.
She sneezed twice, ducking her head.
Again, she looked up, and again, twice she sneezed.
One final time, she turned her face upwards, only to sneeze twice more.
If he wasn't so upset, Alex would have smiled or even laughed.
Exasperated, Sara finally pushed herself to her feet and walked behind Alex's back, spinning him around so the bright sun was behind her.

"Like hell, you aren't mocking me."

"I'm not!"

"I don't believe you!"

"How can I prove it?"

"Leave me alone," she said, unable to handle any more pain caused by Alex.

"What the hell would that prove?" he asked, stopping her as she turned away.

"I don't know, but it would make the pain stop. I love you, Alex, okay? I love you. I've loved you for the longest time. I will always love you. But if you won't love me back, you need to get away. So my heart can heal and I can have some chance of moving on and falling in love with someone who will love me back. Because every second I spend near you, knowing you don't love me-" she stopped, choking on tears. "It makes me want to kill myself," she said finally, admitting it to both Alex and herself.

The little girl in her chest stopped stitching in shock and sat down in the bloody mess that was her heart.

"Sara..."

"Just go away," she sniffled.

"Sara, I love you."

"Stop!" she screamed. "Stop mocking me! Just leave me-"

"How can I prove it to you, I'm not mocking you? If I kiss you, will it prove it? If I write you a song? If I fuck you!?"

She slapped him.

"Go," she said sharply, pointing away from the ocean.

He looked at her with an expression that would have broken her heart, had it not been so completely in shambles already.

He walked away and Sara stumbled towards the crashing waves. She stopped a few meters short of the tide, where the sand was packed, but not wet.
Sitting in the sand, her head between her knees, Sara watched her locket swing, matching the tempo of the tears plummeting from the tip of her nose.
Alex had given it to her as a graduation present. It was 24-karat gold, but to her, the pictures were far more valuable than the necklace itself could ever be.
It was the one physical piece of Alex she'd been unable to leave behind.
Weakly, she tugged at the chain, though she knew she'd be unable to bring herself to break it. Instead, she pulled it over her head, dropping it onto the sand and nudging it a few inches towards the rising tide.
Within a few minutes, the tide had moved farther up the shore, lapping at the locket. The waves tugged on the chain, not yet strong enough to pull it out to sea.
Long fingers snatched the locket from the water as she stared at it. He undid the clasp, fastening it around Sara's neck and fixing her hair. He straddled her lap, sitting on her knees, his weight pushing her legs straight.
Sara turned her face away from him, towards a young couple walking along the beach hand in hand. Alex grabbed her chin roughly, turning her face back and pressed his lips to her with force, but at the same time, more gently than she'd ever been kissed before.
At first, Sara struggled against Alex.
Then, she realized that he was crying, too.
As their tears mixed on her cheeks, she allowed him to push her back into the sand.
She wrapped her arms around him and kissed back tentatively, which only made his lips more fervent.
He pulled back and pressed his forehead against hers, sniffling softly.

"Do you get it now?" he whispered softly, barely audible over the waves crashing behind them. His fingertips brushed her lips and she trembled.

"You really hurt me, though."

"I know. And I'm so sorry. But... how?"

"By not loving me back. Or, at least, not telling me. And you sleeping with other girls. That very nearly killed me, quite literally."

"Yeah... I-I did that to try and pretend that I wasn't in love with my best friend. It didn't work. But as my best friend, if had told me 'she's a skanky ho, don't sleep with her or you'll get herpes,' it's kinda my obligation to listen to you."

"I didn't even know what you were doing until you stumbled into your room with one or asked me for a condom."

"Which you never had."

She laughed and shook her head. "Shut up."

"So, will you come home, or do I have to move out here?"

"But- your band-"

"I'd give it all up to be with you."

"I love you," she said, kissing him deeply. He was caught off guard but kissed back nevertheless.

"So," he began when they separated, "That's a..."

"I'll come home. I'll come on tour with you. I'll come with you when you record. I'll go with you wherever you'll take me."

"I'll take you everywhere, so long as we'll be together."