Cold as Ice

"Johnny, I need your opinion on this. Which one is better?"

I looked up from the tiles I'd been counting on the floor of the flower shop and turned my head in Ash's direction. He had his eyebrows pushed together, and was truly stuck on whether he should buy a red rose or a white one.

I pushed the toothpick I was chewing on to the side of my mouth to speak. "What's the difference?"

"There's a huge difference." He said, briefly flicking his eyes in my direction. "At least... I'm pretty sure there is."

I grunted indifferently and took a few steps toward the counter, scanning the many different flowers. The tiles on the floor interested me much more. The girl standing behind the cash register thoroughly checked me out and offered me a flirty smile, but I wasn't interested. I gave her a quick once-over to satisfy her before looking back at Ash, and pointing to a pink and white orchid. "This one,"

"But that's not a rose. You're sure I should get it?" He looked at me and chewed his thumb nail. He was worried that he was going to end up getting Jen the wrong thing.

"Ashley, you already bought her a necklace and a new camera." I leaned against the counter. "Just buy the damn flower so we can leave. It smells like perfume and old ladies in here, and if I smell like this for the rest of the day, I won't hesitate to strangle you."

"Fine." He sighed and looked at the girl. "I'll take that one, please."

"Sure thing." She tore her big brown eyes from me, only long enough to snip the flower and wrap it up. She rang the price up for Ash and then looked back at me. "And you're not buying anything?"

"I don't do the whole Valentine's Day thing." I told her coolly, spitting the toothpick into a garbage can at my feet.

"Oh, I see." Biting her glossed lower lip, she handed Ash his change and waited for the receipt to print out. "What does your girlfriend have to say about that?"

I chuckled at her calculating remark and shook my head. "I definitely don't do the whole girlfriend thing, either."

"Oh, I see." She said again, this time dejectedly.

Ash looked at me, one eyebrow raised in the do you see what you just did, Johnny? look. It was a look that I was very much used to.

Pressing my lips into a line, I sighed at him and pulled a bill from my back pocket, dropping it onto the counter. Yes, Ash, I see what I just did. And I'm fixing it. Happy?

The girl looked up at me with question marks in her eyes and I gave her an easy smile, nodding to an expensive bouquet of frilly flowers sprinkled with glitter.

She picked it up and tried to pass it to me, but I held up a hand and shook my head. "They're for you, Sweetheart."

Her eyes lit up. "They are?"

I winked at her. "They are."

Ash rolled his eyes. "Johnny, leave before this innocent girl unknowingly steps into your shadowed and abyssal pitfall."

"Somebody forgot to take a nap today." I strode toward the door, still feeling the girl's eyes on me. "Why are you being so bitter, Ash?"

"I'm not bitter." He said bitterly, and let the door slam behind him with a happy jingling sound.

I pulled up the hood of my sweater and shrugged my shoulders up against the vicious February wind. I wore two layers plus a leather coat, but I was still cold. What it was that made Ash want to walk home in this weather instead of taking my car was completely beyond me - but I kept my mouth shut. I hadn't said hardly a thing to him all day. He'd been in a shitty mood since he got to school that morning, and I couldn't figure out why. It was Valentine's Day and he had a pretty girlfriend, so he had no reason to be upset. But he was, and it was getting on my nerves.

"Ash, we've been best friends our whole lives. I think I'd know whether you were being bitter or not. If you go to Jen's house and act this bitchy around her, it's going to ruin her day. So you can either tell me what's wrong, or I'll beat it out of you." I said as I walked alongside him on the icy sidewalk.

He was silent, and kept his eyes focused on the street. The only sound I could hear was the heavy crunching of my boots on the snow and crinkling sound of the paper around Jen's flower as it fluttered in the wind. His jaw shifted around a couple of times until he finally spoke. "Lucille's coming down for a few weeks to stay with us."

"So?" I shoved my hands into the thick pockets of my jacket.

As if I'd just ask the most ridiculous question in the world, he looked at me and raised his hand, palm facing the sky. "So? So, Johnny, that means it's getting serious with her and Dad. She's going to move in. Soon."

"Again, I ask - so? I like Lucille, Avery likes Lucille, and you like her, too. She's nice, and obviously her and your father have a relationship - whether you like that or not. Why are you so set against it when it has nothing to do with you in the first place?"

He knew I was right. He looked down and said nothing.

"That's what I thought." I took one hand from my pocket and clapped his back. "Ash, I don't say stuff like that to piss you off, you know. I say it because you're my brother - not like a brother, but an actual brother, and I don't want you to be upset about something stupid on the day you're supposed to show your girlfriend how much you love and appreciate her... and all that mushy stuff."

Ash looked at me. "I thought you didn't see the point in Valentine's Day? You were always the one that said it's stupid, it's just a day created by Hallmark to sell sappy cards and chocolate." He cocked his head slightly, eyes narrowing. "What's changed your mind?"

"Nothing has." I said. I drew my hand back and cast my eyes skyward, drawing a deep breath. When I released it, it clouded in the frigid air. "Ash, just because I don't enjoy Valentine's Day, it doesn't mean you shouldn't."

"Sure," He said, but shook his head.

We crossed the empty street, passing a fancy restaurant. I looked through the window and noticed a couple about my age sitting in a corner seat. They looked like they were having some kind of argument. The guy slammed his fists down on the table, causing the girl to flinch back as he growled with clenched teeth in her face. She shoved her plate of pasta toward him, threw her hands in the air, and as she jumped up out of her seat, dumped a glass of water over his head, and stormed out.

That would be partially why I hated relationships. So much conflict, so much tension, and too much drama.

I also hated them because they had too many restrictions. In my lifetime, I had been involved in three whole relationships. The girls were beautiful; and real sweethearts at first, but always ended up being clingy and demanding. I swore to myself after the summer of tenth grade that I would remain single. Single, free, content.

And lonely. Don't forget lonely, I added mentally, and quickly dismissed it the thought. I wasn't lonely. I didn't need love; I didn't need a girl by my side. I had friends upon friends upon friends.

Ash and I walked from downtown to my house, and from there, he took my car and drove it to Jen's.

My mother was in the kitchen, standing at the stove when I walked in. I clasped my hands behind my back and stood behind her, peering over her shoulder. "Hi, Mama." I said, and placed a kiss on her cheek.

She smiled, reaching up, and patted the back of my head. "Happy Valentine's Day, Johnny."

"What're you making?" I asked.

She looked up at me and blew at a stray bit of her honey blonde hair as it slipped out of place. Opening the oven door, she said, "I'm making shortbread cookies."

I looked inside and wrinkled my nose at the tray of a dozen heart-shaped cookies. My mother had this problem with going overboard on special days. On Christmas, she'd go crazy decorating the house and force my father and I to go outside and put up a thousand strands of icicle lights, while she stayed inside with Alexa and made absolutely sure there wasn't a square inch of our house that wasn't covered in Santa Clause or snowmen or reindeer figurines. It was ridiculous. Dad never complained, though. Maybe it was because he knew Mom was all for making him sleep outside when she was pissed off.

She reached into the oven with her silicone glove and slid the tray out, setting it on top of the stove. I snatched a cookie and quickly ran away before she could yell at me. The heat of the cookie radiated through the sleeve of my sweater and onto the palm of my hand. I broke a piece off and popped it into my mouth, chewing thoughtfully as I walked down the open stairs leading into my basement, which was where my bedroom was located.

As I neared the stairs, I heard Roy Orbison's mournful voice wailing gently from the basement. Dad was at work, my sister was gone away to college, and the music was much too quiet for Mom to hear from upstairs. It was either she'd forgotten to turn it off, or there was someone down there listening to it.

Silently, I walked down the two short sets of stairs in my sock feet. I rounded the corner and walked down the hallway, following the sound of She's A Mystery To Me. It lead me to the door at the very end of the hallway - a room used for storage that we hardly ever went in. The door stood slightly ajar, and I pushed it with one finger. It swung open soundlessly, and I walked into the room to see Avery sitting on the old carpeted floor, her back to me with her knees drawn up to her chest, surrounded by small boxes and a crate of old vinyls. She was listening to the Mystery Girl vinyl on my Mom and Dad's old turntable.

Smiling to myself, I walked over and sat down on the floor next to her.

She looked at me and brushed a tear from her cheek. "Sorry,"

"For what?" I asked, and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "And why are you crying?"

"Sorry for being in your house without you being here. And I'm crying because I'm stupid." She laughed and wiped both of her eyes with the sleeves of her shirt. Sighing, she hugged her knees and set her eyes on me. "That was my parents' wedding song."

"I know." I pulled my arm back, taking a bite of my cookie. "Don't you remember dancing with me?"

Her eyes narrowed slightly. "I don't."

"Well, you were only three." I said. "I was five. I remember standing there and looking at you, and all of a sudden you ran up to me and shouted mine! and the next thing I knew, we were trying to dance like our parents were."

"I wish I could remember." She stared off into the distance, as if she were sifting through all of her memories to try and find it. She shook her head. "But I guess I can't."

I rolled my eyes at her and took another bite of the cookie. "I really think you have brain damage."

She ignored what I said about the brain damage. "Where'd you get that cookie?"

"My Mommy made them." I held the half of a heart cookie out of Avery's reach.

"I suppose that means you won't give me a bite."

I shook my head no.

"All right." She said simply. "We'll do this the hard way."

With one eyebrow raised I was about to ask what she meant, but before I could open my mouth, she flung herself at me and I fell backward onto the floor. Her knees were on the floor on either side of my body and she had me pinned at the wrists.

Grinning slowly, arrogantly, triumphantly down at me, she leaned down and took a big bite out of the cookie in my hand. After she chewed and swallowed, she leaned down again, this time flattening her torso against mine and whispering in my ear, "I win."

"Just this once." I whispered back.

She laughed, and shifted her weight to lean back, creating slight pressure on my lower stomach. My heart skipped every second beat as she pulled back into a sitting position. There was a steady rippling just below my belt buckle, a gentle warbling of nerves that pulsed in time with my heart.

Avery's smile fell. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong." I said, and stared up at the ceiling, trying to ignore the rippling sensation, trying to force it away. But the more I concentrated on it, the worse it became.

"Johnny, you look like something's hurting you."

It wasn't hurting me - it felt good. That's why I wanted it gone. I moved my eyes from the ceiling and set them on hers. "I'm fine."

"Really?" She bit her lip.

Not if you keep doing shit like that. I dismissed that thought.

I rose up onto my elbows. "You think you can hurt me, Dollface?"

Avery rolled her eyes and covered my face with her hand, pushing my head backward so my eyes were again on the ceiling. "Don't use your stupid pet names on me."

"They're not stupid," I tilted my head back to normal and looked at her, "... Baby."

She raised her eyebrows, giving me an amused look. "Baby?"

"That's what you are, isn't it? A big baby,"

She covered my mouth with her hand. "Be quiet."

I smiled, and slowly ran the flat of my tongue over her palm.

She squealed, and jerking back back, wrinkled her nose and wiped her hand on my thigh. "You're so nasty sometimes."

"Hey now," I said. "Let's not be mean. It's Valentine's Day."

"I thought you didn't like Valentine's Day."

I shrugged.

"Well in that case, then," she swung her leg over me and reached for her bag. She pawed through it until she found a white envelope, and passed it to me. "Happy Valentine's Day."

I took the envelope and stared at it. In all capitals it said JERK. I opened it and pulled out a red heart made out of construction paper. Flipping it over, I saw a jagged line drawn down the center of it - like the heart was broken. In a glittery silver gel pen Avery had written something on it.

Johnny,

Notice how I left out the 'dear' part? That's because I don't like you, in case you didn't already know that. I'm not sure why I'm even bothering to make you this valentine, because you're mean to me and you don't even like Valentine's Day in the first place. But here I am, taking time to make you a stupid little heart-shaped card, even though you probably won't care. But I hope you enjoy it just a little bit. Anyway, the point of this valentine is to tell you that I actually don't mind your company. You're cocky, rude, arrogant and spiteful, but for some reason

A bunch of lines were scribbled out. I tried to read through the scratches, but I couldn't. I skipped all the way to the bottom of the heart where I could finally read what it said.

I like you.

Love
(or not, whatever you prefer),
Avery

I realized I was smiling. Not cockily, but genuinely. That kid had an annoying way of getting under my skin - but in a good way. I never hated her. I couldn't hate her. It was impossible.

"Why is all of this scratched out?" I asked, and looked up at her.

She bit her lip. "Because I didn't like the way it sounded. I figured that it was too complicated, and just stuck with putting it in the simplest words I could."

"You like me?" I asked.

"Of course. I don't hate you, Johnny. You just get on my nerves."

"I know." I said proudly. She rolled her eyes at me, and I put the little red heart on the floor. My legs were beginning to tingle from her sitting on them, but I didn't care. "I like you too."

I like you too much.

I banished that thought.

"Oh, do you?" She asked, raising one eyebrow.

"Of course I do."

Her eyebrow fell. I'd said that too seriously.

I swallowed and leaned back on my elbows. Though my heart was racing, I kept a neutral expression and easily set my eyes on her. "Yeah. You don't think I ever actually hated you, do you?"

"It sure seemed like it when we were younger."

I laughed nonchalantly. "Well, you didn't exactly seem all that fond of me either."

"I guess not." Avery smiled. "It's odd to think that we actually get along sometimes. We're constantly fighting and picking on each other."

"I want to change that."

Her smile changed, and she was silent. She ran her tongue over her lower lip and looked down.

I watched her chew thoughtfully on her lower lip. I loved those lips. They were smooth and pouty and fit so well against mine. I wanted her. I had wanted her since grade school. And now that we were older, I had so many more reasons to want her.

Avery Dawson was the one girl that was different. She wasn't needy or easy or stupid or too-complicated. I didn't want to admit it to myself, but I liked her more than I'd ever liked any girl.

The next song on Mystery Girl was The Comedians. The track had a soft snare and wavering guitar for an intro, and made the silence between us less uncomfortable.

"What do you mean by that?" asked Avery, breaking the silence, and meeting my eyes with hers. Their hazy shade resembled the spiraling tendrils of cigarette smoke, or a thick mist over the dark waters of an eerie moonlit lake.

"Isn't it obvious?" I asked. "I want to change it. I want to change it, because..." I paused. I wanted to tell her the rest, but it was dangerous. I was afraid of telling her how I felt because I knew that if she rejected me, it would hurt - badly - and would create such an awkward mess. But the look in her eyes hit me like a sack of hammers to my stomach, and forced the words out. "I don't just kind of like you, I like you a lot. Probably more than I should. I tease you because you're fun to fight with. I hurt you because I like the way you say my name. And I actually kissed you all those times because I wanted to. I realize that it's awful and selfish of me, but I just had to have you - and I knew that because you're Ash's baby sister, I couldn't." I swallowed. "And Avery, I don't think you're a dumb bitch or a stupid kid or an annoying little girl. I think you're hot as hell and smart and sometimes more mature than I am."

I couldn't believe that I had really just said all of that. It was like there was a big, concrete dam that was holding everything back and now it was crumbling and a huge flood of words came spilling out of my mouth.

Avery's lips were parted in silent shock. She blinked at me, as if registering everything I'd just told her, and slowly broke into a grin. "Where did all of that come from?"

"I don't really know."

She shook her head, and a light pink blush crept across her cheeks. "I think you should know that I like you a lot, too. I don't have a huge confession to make about it, but I do have feelings for you that I've tried to ignore since December. There's just something about the way you act when we're alone sometimes. When there's no bickering or wrestling, just calmness... it makes me feel comfortable and safe." She shrugged slightly. "And it is pretty fun to fight with you, too."

I smiled at her. "I'm glad you feel that way."

A light silence fell over us as Roy Orbison softly wailed about a carousel in the background. The verse passed, and Avery spoke.

"Johnny?" She asked.

"Present." I replied.

Rolling her eyes, she shook her head and smiled. She lifted her hand and made a come-hither motion with her finger. I slowly leaned forward.

She put her cold hands on my neck and drew my face close to hers, close enough that I could feel her shaky breath on my lips. Her fingertips pressed just enough into my neck to make me aware of my throbbing heart. In that moment I felt so compelled to close the short distance between us - to grab her and crush her against me - to feel her heart hammering with mine - to kiss her and kiss her and kiss her until I was lightheaded - and then lay there in a quiet that explained so much more than words ever could.

There was a bit of doubt pulling at the back of my head. It asked me if I was sure I wanted this, if I was absolutely positive that it was acceptable for me to be putting myself at risk for a bitter and awkward situation between her, Ash, and I if this thing between the two of us screwed up. The feelings I had for Avery couldn't have just been hormones. Hormones weren't the reason I felt like shit whenever Avery started crying, even if it had nothing to do with me. Hormones weren't the reason I'd lie in bed at three in the morning and get a strong urge to call her because I missed her. I was falling for that kid, hard and fast.

She kissed me gently and leaned against my chest, wrapping both arms around my neck and running her fingers through my hair. I felt an explosion of butterflies in my gut and smiled against Avery's lips. Finally. I finally had what I wanted.

"What's the smile for?" She asked as she pulled away.

Before I could reply, there was a loud shattering noise from the upstairs. Avery snapped her head toward the door, and back at me. "What was that?"

"I don't know." I said. "But it didn't sound good."

We both stood and left the room, fingers interlocked. I heard the slam of the front door as we stopped at the foot of the basement stairs. We were quiet and listened closely for any other sounds.

I heard my father's angry grunt and the slam of a cupboard door. "Fuck!" He growled, and slammed the cupboard again. "Fuck!"

Avery looked up at me with worry creasing her brow. She mouthed the words is he okay? and pointed upward.

I shook my head, and wrapped an arm around her waist, whispering, "They had a fight. Let's just go."

We turned and went back down the basement hallway, slipping into my room. I turned the light on and flopped onto my bed, staring up at the ceiling. My parents had been fighting a lot lately. Since the New Year started, they always got on each other's nerves and were rarely ever in a good mood.

Avery flopped down beside me and rolled onto her side, resting her head against my bicep. "Happy Valentine's Day indeed," she sighed.

"Yeah." I looked down at her, and she looked up at me. "I'm pretty content, though. How about you, Kid?"

"Me too." She wriggled under my arm and snuggled up against my side, sighing. "How long do you think this one will last?"

I shrugged. "I don't know what they were fighting about. I think Mom just needs a few hours to cool down - she'll be back. But nevermind them," I rolled onto my side and draped my arm over Avery's waist.

"Right." She said. "Where were we again?"

"I think I remember..." I leaned down and captured her lips with mine, rolling to hover over her on my forearms.

Apparently I had lied to the girl at the flower shop. I had, in fact, done the whole Valentine's Day thing, and was currently doing the whole girlfriend thing.

Or at least, that's what I hoped this was.