I'll Never Forget

I should have known.

The week before you made me promise something.

I never even thought about it.

I’m sorry.

“Promise me.”

Why?

“Just promise.”

Okay.

“Never forget me, okay?”

Why would I forget you?

Lissa?

“Promise me.”

Okay.

I promise.

What if I hadn’t promised?

Would you be dead?

Or would you hate me and be alive?

I wouldn’t mind so much if you hated me. Just as long as you were alive.

I think that just knowing you’re breathing somewhere is enough.

Sometimes I pretend you just moved away and we were in the middle of a fight so you never said goodbye and you changed phone numbers.

I haven’t cried yet.

I think mom hates me for it.

Your mom cries a lot.

She calls us too.

She calls me.

She tells me I was always like a daughter to her and I could come over anytime I like.

Why did you leave her?

You were all she had.

I don’t think I could ever go back to your house.

It would smell like you.
Remind me of you.

I might die.

I’m scared.
I’m scared of what life holds now.

Death seems safe compared to this.
Forgiving compared to this.
Better.

And yet I live.

I am scared of death.

I wake up screaming in the night thinking I have died and I never told my family I loved them.

I haven’t been scared like this in a long time.
This fear frightens me.

I’m so small.
Fear conquers me.
I’m so weak.

I don’t want to be dead.
Dead like you.
Dead like that puppy across the street that got ran over so many years ago.

I’m scared, Lissa.

You made me scared.

I want to forget you.

I can’t.
I never will.

I will always remember you.