You Found Me When No-One Else Was Looking.

Waking up the next morning was nothing short of blissful. Josh had wrapped his arm around my waist and had his body pressed up against my back which kept me even warmer than the large, heavy sheets placed over us. He stirred lightly next to me so I turned over and put my hand on his face to wake him properly. He smiled at me and kissed my cheek, squeezing my hip with his hand before he moved to stretch out.

“You should go back to your room before the housekeeper comes.” He mumbled, slipping out of bed to find something to put on.

I sighed quietly and slipped out of the bed, just as Josh had done and pulled on my nightdress, slipping from his room without another word. I climbed into my own bed and decided to try and get some more sleep. The sun hadn’t even risen outside of my room yet, which meant it was still early, anyone up at this hour would have been considered crazy in this house. I closed my eyes and tried to let sleep overtake me but it was difficult without Josh’s warm body sleeping next to me. Eventually I gave up and moved to the bathroom to wash myself. As I was running the damp cloth over my shoulders, I noticed three large purple marks. It took me a while to figure out what they were from; I blamed the It on the early hour. Josh had rested his head between my neck and shoulders last night and had bitten them a few times. At the time I’d thought nothing of it, but now I was beginning to regret ever let him do such a thing to me, I had no dresses anymore that would cover the marks which would surely make him mad at me. I sighed once more (I seemed to be doing a lot of that lately), before I put the cloth back down on the sink and let the water drain. I tied my hair up out of the way of my face and put on a dark purple dress that would hopefully cover some of the marks or blend in with them. I decided against a necklace; that was only asking for more attention to be drawn to that area.

I spent the rest of the morning tidying my wardrobe and doing anything that would busy myself and stop me thinking of Josh. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to think about it, because believe me, I did, so much but I knew that if I did I would over think everything and end up crying and crying is a weakness that I’d tried never to show through-out my life; I’d only cry when things went horribly wrong, and this situation was not one of them. I even ate my breakfast before the rest of the house came down so I wouldn’t have to sit with him and have him look at me like I knew he would; with that look of desire, I couldn’t bear it. Not when he would talk me up to make me believe that he loved me and wanted nothing more than to hold me in his arms and then discard me the next morning like I was nothing. I may have been rescued from a whorehouse but that didn’t make it alright for him to carry on treating me like some cheap, dirty slut.

I was in my room just after midday when he came to see me; I was sorting out all my jewellery and untangling it all when I felt his hands on my shoulders. I continued to untangle and separate my necklaces and bracelets, not daring to look up at him. He ran his hands down my arms and took the jewellery from my hands and then ran his hands back up to my face, moving my head so I was looking at him in the mirror.

“We need to talk.” He spoke softly, kissing my cheek.

I sighed and turned in my seat. He sat on my bed and sighed, running his hands through his hair, a nervous habit of his that I found both cute and irritating at the same time. I looked at him and raised my eyebrow, willing him to go on.

“What happened last night.” He began, which made my stomach sink, “Was amazing and I want you to know there is no way I’d ever regret it, but people know about it. Mrs Henderson saw the marks on your shoulder this morning and she’s told nearly everyone in the house.”

“You can just say it, I know it’s coming.” I sighed.

“We just can’t be caught again and we can’t show any kind of affection towards each other in front of anyone else.”

“I can’t do that Josh.” I sighed, “I know that what I feel inside.” I put my hands over my heart, “I can’t hide, I so badly want to tell everyone I pass in the house that I love you and that we’re together and happy, but it kills me because we aren’t. We aren’t together and we’re far from happy.”

“Char, you know that if I could be with you properly I would.”

“And that’s where you’re wrong because you wouldn’t. I’m so far from good enough for you. You picked me up from a whorehouse, a lesbian whorehouse at that, I know that my history disgusts you and so it should.”

“You’re history does not disgust me Char, it upsets me. It hurts me that I couldn’t save you from this life sooner.”

“We need to face it Josh, we weren’t meant to be.” I spoke quietly; I knew that what I was saying was getting to him. He sighed and walked from my room, shutting the door quite forcefully which only made me want to break down even more.

I wiped the few stray tears that had spilled from my eyes and I took a piece of paper and a quill and some ink and began writing, screwing up many sheets of paper because I’d not worded it properly until I had the perfect letter.

To Joshua,
As you read this I will be gone. I’m leaving, going back to London for good. I’m not what you need; I’m only going to hold you back. Hold you down by keeping you around. I need you a lot more than you realise but by needed you, I mean need you around me more often and the way you’re going, I won’t be able to have you around like I really need you.
I’m really proud of what you do Joshua, so, so proud. Every night that I watch you, I just stand a smile because watching you do what you love makes me happy, seeing you happy completes me and I know that if I stay, you’ll only try and please me and not yourself and you’ll make yourself unhappy by doing this.
In short, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love you too much to stay, if I stay I’d only bring you down, stop you from chasing all those perfect dreams you have and it would break my heart to know that I’m the reason for stopping you.
You are and always will be the only person I want, but if you love someone you should set them free. I love you enough to let you go.
Just promise me one thing? That you’ll grow your wings and fly, be free. Now that I’m gone, nothing can stop you, nothing can get in your way of what you want.
I love you with every ounce of being I have in me and I’m sorry that I didn’t have the guts to say this to your face, please forgive me.


That night, after I’d packed everything. Everything from my dresses to my jewellery I led the letter; that I had folded and sealed with one of the red ribbons that I kept in my hair, I left. I’d talked to Walter and the driver about me leaving earlier that day, Walter had promised not to tell Josh and I’d also made him promise to push Josh to the edge so that he got everything he wanted and more. Before I left I made sure I went into his room as quietly as I could, he’d forgotten to blow out his candle so a streak of yellow, flickering light fell across his pale skin which made him look beautiful. I placed a small kiss on his cheek and blew out the candle before leaving the room, wiping at my cheeks where a stream of tears were falling. I quietly left the house, silently slipping into the carriage without a word to the driver. He seemed to sense that I wanted nothing more than to get out of here and as soon as I’d shut the door he was off. Taking me back to the place where I came from, the place where everything was easy and nothing but the amount of beatings I got every day hurt. What I would do when I got back I didn’t know, I would try and find Alice or Tony to see if they had anywhere I could stay and if that failed, I would go back, back to hell. I knew that if I went back my life would never be worth living ever again and that I’d probably only go back to get killed for leaving but I’d do it for love. I was leaving for love. What a more romantic thing to do than die for the one you love. I wiped the fresh tears that were falling and sniffed lightly. I was so tempted after thinking about going back to the whorehouse to tell the driver to turn around and take me back, but I had to this, I had no choice. This was the end of me and Josh. I was simply and truly setting him free.