Angel, Put Me Back Together Again

His arms wrapped around me, incasing me in his body heat. It was like a space heater and I started to sweat. I gently lifted his arm off of me and slipped out of the bed silently. I grabbed my jacket and purse and made me way outside. I shut the door quietly behind me and sat down on the porch steps. I reached into my bag and pulled out my cigarettes and lighter. I had only taken a few puffs from the stick when I heard the door creak open behind me. I didn't even bother to turn around. He sat down behind me, placing me between his legs and pulling me against him. I took on last drag before handing the cigarette behind me to him. He took it from me and I saw the cloud of smoke curl around me as be blew out. I sighed and placed my hands on his knees, rubbing them.

"This is the last time... you know that, right?"

"You said that last time." He whispered against my hair before kissing me behind my ear and going back to the cig. I sighed.

"Gerard, I'm serious..." I ran my hands through my hair, pulling it up into a messy bun, tying the hair tie that was on my wrist around it. I situated myself so I could see him behind me. "I leave in just a few weeks. We can't keep doing this. What are you going o do when I'm gone?"

"Come see you." He gave me his infamous puppy dog face and I groaned.

"We said this wouldn't go past the summer. I'm going to college. Your moving up to New York. It's not going to work."

"It's not like we'll never see each other again." He took the last drag of the cigarette before flicking it into the yard.

"Yeah but it will be few and far between. You can't afford to come see me all the time. And I can only come home so many times during the year. You and I both know its going to be too hard..." I trailed off. I saw the look on his face. He does this every time. He tries to convince me that we can make this long distance thing work when the truth is we won't be able to deal with it.

Alright, this is all pretty confusing, even for me, so I should probably back up a little bit.

I know what this looks and to be honest... it's a lot more complicated then that. When Frank left me that night back in the fall, a little piece of me died that day. I can admit that now, but for a few months after that, I was in denial and completely numb to the world. I drove back to Gerard's and collapsed on his front porch in tears...

It still hurts to look back on it, but not as much. For a few weeks after that I found myself at Gerard's almost daily. He was there to comfort me when I broke down again or make me forget, even for a little while. The band went on a hiatus until they figured out how to fill Frank's spot. Frank was only at St. Pats for another week or so before he transferred back to the public school. I thought him leaving would ease the pain but it just got worse.

After a few weeks of going to Gerard for comfort, I realized even that couldn't stop me from being consumed with the thought of Frank. I would replay that night over and over in my head, wishing I could erase it all back to before the party. Sometimes wishing I could erase ever meeting him. Just being with Gerard wasn't enough anymore. I pushed it one step further. I didn't go to his house with the intention of having sex with him, but that's what happened. It was weird and I cried and he felt bad and we said it wouldn't happen again. After I went home that night, I felt different. It wasn't good but it wasn't bad. I just knew something had changed. I woke up a different person. I was numb to any feeling other than hate and guilt. I couldn't even feel sympathy for Gerard. Knowing how he felt about me, yet I still let that happen.

I went back to his house the next day and we did it again. This is the last time. We agreed.

Then we did it again.

This is the last time.

Again.

This is the last time.

Again.

It was wrong. He and I both knew that, but we couldn't stop. For different reasons though. I knew he cared about me. Maybe even loved me. That's why he wouldn't stop. I did it because for just one brief moment in time, my mind was somewhere other than the pain. I didn't have the heart to tell him there was no feelings there. Not anymore. Not for anyone.

As for the current situation, it was almost summer and graduation day was this weekend. Another thing I had started to do to help distract myself was get into my school work. I raised most of my grades and took on some extra curricular things. I graduated with honors. I got accepted into California State University Long Beach. At first I was terrified to leave Jersey, but as the school year went on and I had to decide on a college, I realized that maybe getting away from here would be good for me. What better way than to move across the country?

Alright, so I'm not so sure of it either, but it's to late to change my mind now. I was leaving in a little less than two months and I needed to get used to the fact that I won't have the guys there anymore. I didn't want to stop being friends with them, but I think some time away from Jersey is what I need. Gerard on the other hand was moving up to New York to try and get his comics published. He was recognized by a little publishing company. It wasn't much but he was getting his foot in the door. They were giving him a decent chunk of money to sign with them in a year contract. I can honestly say that I was genuinely happy for him. Something I haven't felt for awhile.

We were growing up and moving on. I thought about telling Frank or Frank's dad about me moving to Cali but I haven't talked to him in over a month. There was an awkward run in at the local venue. We didn't say much. He really just seemed like he wanted to get out of there after he saw me. Just when I was starting to come around, he reminded me why I am this way, only engraving it into me even more. I hated him. I hated him for what he did. I don't know if he graduate or if he even plans on going to college. Gerard doesn't really talk to him anymore, either. He severed any ties he had with any of us and I hated him.

I felt that familiar pulling in my chest and my stomach twisting in knots thinking of the boy I used to love. I stood up from between Gerard's legs and sling my bag over my shoulder. He stood up as well, stamping out the cigarette and staring at me. I sighed and took a step forward, leaning against his chest. I felt his arms wrap around me, squeezing me a little too tight. After a brief moment, I stepped out of his embrace and gave him a weak smile.

"I'll talk to you later ok?"

"Yeah... later, Angel."

I turned to walk away from him, wincing from the nickname. I wish he wouldn't call me that. It just makes it harder. And it's only a painful reminder of what I used to have. What I would give anything to have back. The best and worst thing that ever happened to me.
Frank Iero.