Silence Breaks the Heart

With much coaxing, my mother convinced me that the best course of action was to press charges against Matt. At first, I'd adamantly refused. And when asked why, I simply shook my head. If I confessed to my mother that I still loved Matt despite the pain he'd inflicted upon me, she would assume I'd lost my mind.

The very idea of appearing in court and telling my story to so many people scared me to death. Because of course this story was bound to be a media-storm. An eighteen-year-old beating on his girlfriend? Things like this didn't happen in our town. Here, everyone was perfect, posing like plastic dolls so the world could never discover the truth.

The court date was scheduled for the twenty-fourth of August. Approximately eight days before I was supposed to start my new life at university. I was supposed to head off to college, leaving all the broken pieces of my childhood in Huntington Beach. Instead I found myself in a hot, stuffy court room with the person I loved most in the world sitting barely twenty feet away, unable to say a word to him.

The trial was long and drawn out, each side taking sometimes almost a day at a time to drive their point home. I knew I was on the witness list and my heart was beating in destructive anticipation for my name to be called. That time finally came on the fourth day of the proceedings, and I approached the witness stand, trying hard to forget every good thing about Matt.

But to do so was impossible.

He had so many good qualities. His sparkling hazel eyes, his dimples, his smile. And those things were merely the physical attributes. What about the way he swept my bangs from my forehead? Or called at two o'clock in the morning to tell me he loved me? But these things were all 'used-to's', matters of the past. The kind, caring Matt-the one I'd fallen in love with so long ago-no longer existed. Because the Matt sitting at the defense table, silently daring me to speak out, was a monster.

Drawing from the countless law shows I watched on television, I assumed the giving my testament to the jury would be quick and painless, almost like ripping off a band aid. Simple. But I was wrong. The hundreds of eyes watching me, the bated breaths held to hear my every word, all of this made me feel suffocated. The defense attorney-a cold, angular woman-picked me apart, almost making me feel like this whole situation was my fault.

She asked me mostly about Matt, how we'd met, what our relationship was like when it was fresh and new. But she was talking about the old Matt, the sweet one. Not the new Matt, the one who didn't care about me anymore. Who didn't love me anymore. Just the thought of that made this whole thing even harder.

At the very end of my testimony, I instinctively met Matt's gaze. His eyes were dark, hints of their true hazel color begging to peek through. A sudden feeling of remorse washed through my body. What had I just done?

Have you ever gone against the person you love? Even though you know it's for the best, it's just so damn hard to let go. It's equal to giving up a piece of your liver. You're perfectly fine without it, but there's always a slim chance of that simple loss claiming your life. And there's a feeling that never goes away. The feeling that you can't turn your back on them, no matter what.