Status: Active
1 Million Secrets
One Hundred and Sixty One
I dread existence-- mine and everyone else'. People think, but I can't hear it. I have to trust them, but I don't. I can't trust anyone, not even my best friend, not to think badly of me, not to ignore me. Even so, there are two people I've become very dependent on.
Brandi is the first. She's my best friend face to face. Despite always being suspicious of her opinion of me, she's what keeps me in school. If I didn't have her, I'd dread other people so much that I'd just drop out. I really need her.
Shayna is the second. She was my friend on the internet, for when I was at home. While Brandi kept me distracted from other people, Shayna kept me distracted from myself and my suicidal thoughts. Then she dropped from my world. It was Christmas when we said goodbye, officially, after two months of silence.
Now I'm left to myself when I'm home, and Brandi isn't so able to keep me from fearing the people around me. I'm signing up for online school. I'll be alone constantly. It's scary having to decide whether I fear the world or my own mind more, but I figure disappearing will be easier if I'm not constantly interacting with other people and planting myself into their memory. It's all I want-- not to exist.
No one knows.
Brandi is the first. She's my best friend face to face. Despite always being suspicious of her opinion of me, she's what keeps me in school. If I didn't have her, I'd dread other people so much that I'd just drop out. I really need her.
Shayna is the second. She was my friend on the internet, for when I was at home. While Brandi kept me distracted from other people, Shayna kept me distracted from myself and my suicidal thoughts. Then she dropped from my world. It was Christmas when we said goodbye, officially, after two months of silence.
Now I'm left to myself when I'm home, and Brandi isn't so able to keep me from fearing the people around me. I'm signing up for online school. I'll be alone constantly. It's scary having to decide whether I fear the world or my own mind more, but I figure disappearing will be easier if I'm not constantly interacting with other people and planting myself into their memory. It's all I want-- not to exist.
No one knows.