Desires Of The Unknown

“You okay?” Carlos asked that next morning.
“As okay as I can be,” I said, my voice giving away at the end.
“What happened?”
I bit my lip and looked back into the mirror to fix my eyeliner. “He wasn’t the guy I thought he was. Hell,” I said, laughing dryly. “He was working for MI-6 and The Eye. He’s all over the place. I don’t even think he knows what side he’s on anymore.”
“I’m sure he isn’t.”
“I told him,” I whispered, setting down the eyeliner and looking down. “I told him who I was, and I was fooled. Me, the perfect spy, was fooled by a pretty face.”
I was turned around by callused hands. I kept my head low, but Carlos lifted it slowly, noticing the tears falling instantly. He brought his arms around me and I looped mine around his torso.
“You weren’t fooled by a pretty face. He’s the best assassin and working on being a good spy. He’s also most likely trained into tricking girls to get what he wants or needs already. You are better than him.”
I took a slow, steady breath, willing the tears to stop. I had never really cried over something a guy did. There was once, but it was called for. My brother had taken my ice cream, cookie, and brownie, all within an hour’s time. Granted, I don’t really think I cried about him, it was more for the loss of the sugary treats.
“I don’t think I’ve ever hurt so badly.”
“You’ve never saw anyone as a challenge. That’s what he is to you. He challenges you, and you loved every second of it.”
“I should hate him,” I whispered. “I just can’t bring myself to and that pisses me off. Not at him, at myself. I shouldn't hate myself.”
“It’s love.”
I laughed. “I’ve known him a month, tops.”
"That doesn't matter."
"How?"
"It just doesn't."
"Why?"
“Love at first sight?”
“Don’t believe in it.”
“So the love is building. How long do you think it takes to fall in love?”
“Not as long as it does to fall out of it.”
“Rough estimate.”
I shrugged, looking behind him at the bed in my room. The memory of him holding while I cried, not asking any questions, he just held me. “About two or three months. To know that you could possibly fall in love with them,” I paused, looking back at him. “Thirty minutes.”
“And do you think that,” he paused, giving me a small smile. I looked back to my bed. “That you could fall in love with him?”
“I think I am,” I whispered slowly, refusing to look into his eyes.
"In love with him?"
I shook my head and looked him in the eyes. "Falling in love with him."
"You're only human, you will feel things like this."
"But I don't want to!" I snapped, looking away from my bed to look him in the eyes. "I'm supposed to be the perfect spy who doesn't feel anything! I'm supposed to be cold and distant and calculating!"
"And you are all those things!" Carlos snapped back. "But people change!"
"No they don't," I whispered, walking past him and into my bed room.
"Johnathan is sick!" he called after me.
"Just watch him and make sure he doesn't get Terence sick."
I went over to my bed, looking for my shoes, and I found them quickly. I put on my pink converse and grabbed my lip gloss off of my dresser. I called for the kids and went out to the car. I opened the back door as the kids filed out of the house with Carlos handing them their backpacks on the way. I helped the twins in after Gerald and Charlie got in, and Savannah got into the passenger's seat.
After I shut the back door, I got into the driver's seat. Savannah looked over at me as I started the car. I smiled back as she wished me a happy birthday. Yeah, finally legal to drive, not that I ever really cared about breaking the law. It was part of my job description. No, seriously, it says that I will break the law half the time and if I get caught, no one was supposed to help me. But, I've never been caught and if I did, a lot of people would help me, all because I was the perfect spy. So, my job has some perks, but I had yet to use them.
"Thanks sweetie," I said softly.
All the other kids started singing happy birthday as I went to the next town where their school was. I smiled at all of them as I stopped the car. I put it in park and told Savannah to stay in the car. I got the children out of the car and walked Sierra and Stephanie to their class.
When I got back to the car, Savannah was staring at me. "What, baby?"
"They said I could go to ninth grade. Can I?"
"If that's what you want."
"Please?" she asked, her eyes wide with excitement.
"Sure, we'll go talk to the head mistress when we get there."
"Can we get some breakfast first? I'm hungry."
I let out a soft, breathy laugh. "Sure sweetie."
After we had gotten our breakfast and ate it, we were on our way to the school. When we got there, Savannah and I went to the head mistress and head master's office. I didn't even knock, I just strolled in, regretting it immediately. Valentine was lying on the couch, still knocked out cold from the many drugs he took last night. I blinked a few times, making sure I had no tears that threatened to fall and let Savannah go through the door before I shut it.
"Yes, Ms. Morley?"
"I would like to take you up on your offer to go to the ninth grade," Savannah said politely.
"You will have to take a self-defense class," the head mistress said. "You know that, right?"
"Yes, head mistress."
"I will put you in a class with Jen and Valentine. You can go to lunch with them too."
"Thank you."
She left soon after. I moved my eyes from the head mistress' desk to the boy lying on the couch against the far wall. I barely registered my sister saying that she and the head master were going to look at the science lab in the senior wing. I just nodded and continued to look at the unconscious boy, hoping to God that he didn't wake up.
"Stop staring at me. I'm fine." I just hummed in response, my eyes not leaving him once. "What happened?"
"You were hit in the head on our way to the airport. Y'know, when you killed that guy."
"So you didn't get the guy that you needed to?"
"I did, I just got him in the way that I didn't get cake."
"Damn," he muttered, still keeping his eyes closed. "That sounded like good cake."
"It is."
"Are you okay?" he asked, turning his head towards and finally opening his eyes.
I was quiet for a minute, just staring into his beautiful, soft blue eyes, wishing I didn't know what I did. I just wanted to fall for him without the trouble of it all. I just wanted one thing, one thing, that being a spy didn't fuck up, but I was never that lucky and it was obvious that I wouldn't get it. "I met your mother."
He shut his eyes, taking a deep breath. "What did she say?"
"That Jerry was supposed to kill me, but he fell in love and she hopes that he hurt me."
"Anything else?"
I shook my head. "No," I said softly.
He sat up and looked at me. "What's wrong?"
I bit my lip and looked down. I didn't want to tell him. I couldn't tell him. I heard him get up and I looked up at him. He swayed for a second, but I stood where I was, hoping he would fall and not come to me. He started walking towards me when he finally stopped swaying. He rested his right hand on my bare waist, almost on my hip, where my shirt rode up.
"What's wrong?" he asked softer.
I looked down, not wanting to get lost in his beautiful, soft blue eyes. I stared at my hot pink Converse in contrast to his black ones. We were opposites, just like our shoes were. "I'm falling in love with you," I whispered softly, feeling no shame for saying it.
He put two fingers under my chin and used them to make me look at him. I tried to keep my eyes from his, but with one glance at his eyes, I was transfixed. I just stared at his beautiful eyes and I was his. I blinked, and looked at his forehead, hoping to stop all the thoughts, or at least slow them down so I could process them. He just stayed silent, like I hadn't said what I said.
"So?" Was the only thing from his mouth after a minute of silence from us both. "That's a bad thing?" Came only thirty seconds after.
"You're a trained assassin, the best," I took a deep breath, calming myself as I felt the pressure of tears behind my eyes. "And I'm close to the level Gwen is on. We can't be together. I'm training to stop people like you."
"Who would know? We're already technically in a relationship."
"But who knows what will happen after this year, or if they'll break us up, or if they decide I should become pregnant."
"I live with you though."
"My house is bugged."
He brought his face close to mine after a quick glance around. "And this room?" All I could do was nod slowly and stare into his gorgeous eyes. "Then, let's give them a show," he whispered.
He dipped down all the way down, pressing his lips to mine softly. He pulled back, and then kissed me again. He did that three more times before I got frustrated and moved my hand to the back of his neck and pulled him into me, keeping our lips connected. I laced my fingers into his dark, soft hair.
He put his other hand on my waist and hoisted me onto the head mistress' desk. A cup full of pens or pencils fell, crashing and rolling. I bit his bottom lip lightly, making him give a breathy moan. That seemed to pull me out of my trans. I pushed him away and ran out, leaving him stunned behind me. I didn't stop when I was in the hallway, knowing that he would come after me and catch up if I did. I didn't stop until I was in my car and turning the key in the ignition. I saw him in my rear view mirror, the head master right behind him as I pulled out of the gate.
When I got home, I just stayed in my car, letting the tears flow. I didn't get out until my tears were gone and I was feeling slightly dehydrated. I sighed and walked up to my door, not ready for the questions Carlos was going to throw at me.
"Mommy," I heard Terence say from the living room.
"Elmo admires his daddy," Elmo said on the TV.
I started thinking about the things my sister had done to that child. He was an experiment from the day they knew about him. Yes, he was very smart, but he was also sick. ADHD as far as we know as mental, and allergic to most medication.
"What are you doing home?" I heard Johnathan ask.
I looked towards the kitchen, where he was standing. "Don't feel well."
I walked to the living room just as a commercial came on. Terence looked up at me and smiled. He waved and I waved back. I walked over to him and picked him up. I smiled and kissed his forehead.
"Why are you home?" Carlos asked.
"I'm not feeling well."
"Physically or emotionally?"
"Does it matter?" I asked, setting Terence back on the couch as Sesame Street started up again.
"Yes, one is easier to fix that the other."
I bit my lip as I looked up at him. "We can't be together."
"Be together until you can't," Johnathan said.
"What?" I asked, looking past Carlos to Johnathan.
"You may not be able to be together when you're cover is done, but why not enjoy it while you can?"
"He's a double agent," I hissed. "I would be committing treason."
"No one knows," Carlos said. "They don't know he's a double agent."
"Five do, and more will."
"Just be happy," Carlos said softly, walking over to me.
"Easier said than done," I whispered.
"What would make you happy?"
"Being out of this life."
"What life?"
"My life."
"And what is your life?" Johnathan asked, stepping a bit closer.
I looked him dead in the eyes. "A lie."