Suicidal Education

Meeting people for the first time was always awkward. Especially when I could tell that the other person didn't like me at all.

Cathy or Auntie Cathy" as I had to call her if I ever wanted to see the light of day again, was possibly even more overly religious than my step-mother. Every inch of her house was adorned with a crucifix or some other depiction of Jesus. There was even a crystal bottle of holy water on the mantle. I was defiantly a fish out of water. Again.

"My, isn't she ... exotic." Cathy looked me over, clutching the gold cross around her neck. "Oh and she has a tattoo also. Why would you do something like that to your body?".

"I do have a name you know. It's Amanda." I was sick of her calling me 'she'.

But she ignored me and continued rambling on about how my body was a scared temple and that I shouldn't desecrate it with graffiti. I just stood quietly, singing a random song in my head, nodding my head every once in a while to feign listening. Soon I was pulled out of my la-la land when another body entered the room.

"This is your cousin, David".

I glared at the boy in front of me. He couldn't be older than fifteen and I swear he was wearing the exact same pants I wore two days ago.

"Hey-" The pale boy extended his hand. I never moved. Just stood staring at his chipped, black fingernail polish. After a while he lowered his hand, looking sheepish.

"David, why don't you show her your new dog? I'll bet she'll like that." It was as if Cathy thought my name was a particularly nasty swear word. I resisted the urge to slap my 'aunt' and followed my 'cousin' to the backyard.

Once outside, we were welcomed by a little ball of fuzz running to our feet, yipping pathetically. They called that a dog? David picked it up with one arm and ruffled its fur.

"His name's Jonah."

"Figures" I mumbled.

"What?"

"He's cute." I patted the dogs head.

"Yeah. He'll get bigger. Right now he's just a pup." He cuddled Jonah one more time before setting him back down. I felt bad for the poor animal.

"I didn't catch your name before."

That's because your mother never bothered to acknowledge that I had one. "It's Amanda."

Awkward Silence

"So what's there to do in Jersey?"

He shrugged. "Not much. I'm not really allowed out of the house a lot though"

I could tell by his unnaturally pale skin that he wasn't joking. "How old are you?"

"Sixteen. You?"

"Seventeen. You know, you look a lot younger than sixteen."

He shrugged again and looked out across the yard. So much for trying to start a conversation.

I was saved another awkward silence by my step-mother coming out and announcing that tea was ready. I thought she was joking until I saw four dainty cups of tea and an elegant trey of plastic-looking cookies. I almost choked on my gum.

"Are you alright dear? Maybe next time you won't smack your gum like a horse." Cathy smiled heartlessly at me from behind her tea. I glared at her and popped my gum loudly. An uneasy silence drifted over the coffee table.

"So David, it turns out that you and Amanda are going to be classmates in the fall. Isn't that exciting?" My step-mother tried to break the ice. David just nervously twiddled his thumbs. I myself wasn't paying any attention.

"Yes, your mother tells me it's your first time in a catholic school. You must be thrilled!"

My ears perked up at 'catholic school' and I looked back and forth between the pious sisters, slightly taken back by Cathy's comment. Once it registered, my jaw involuntarily dropped and rage clouded my judgment.

"My mother died ten years ago!" I threw my teacup across the room, hitting an all too perfect family portrait and smashing into a million little pieces on the hardwood floor. "And there is no way in HELL that I'm going to a fucking CATHOLIC school!!!" I jumped up, knocking over the chair behind me and made to leave.

"Amanda!-"

"How dare you!?" I snatched my purse and stormed out. I slammed the heavy, oak door behind me.

It wasn't until after I was walking down the front walkway scanning the phonebook on my cell, that I realized I had no one to call. I suddenly felt scared. New Jersey was nothing like Florida. There was almost no one out on the streets and everything seemed to be in a dull grey hue. Not to mention the smell.

After about ten minutes of wandering helplessly about, I found myself at a small park. Feeling lost and alone, I sat down on a grimy swing and tried in vain not to have a panic attack. My breathing got irregular and a tight knot formed in my chest as anxiety washed over my senses.