If I Told You I Loved You, How Far Would You Run?

Ryan.

I’d recognize his voice anywhere.

“Ryan?” I call out in a raw voice.

The whimpering pauses. “Go away, Brendon,” he spits back.

But I can’t go away. I can’t leave because it’s Ryan and he’s hurting and he’s my best friend and I love him. “Ryan,” I say softly and crouch to the tiled floor to peer under the stall wall.

“Stalking me in the bathroom now?” he asks scathingly. “You sicko.”

Squeezing under the wall, I pull myself into Ryan’s stall. “No,” I tell him, looking up into his red-rimmed eyes. “It’s called looking out for my best friend.”

“No,” he retorts like a temperamental child. “I don’t need you, Brendon. Go away.”

He looks like hell, sounds broken, and it’s breaking my heart. “I can’t do that,” I whisper and reach my arms up to hug him. “You’re my best friend, no matter what sorta shit we’re going through right now, and I’m gonna look out for you, whether you like it or not.”

“What went wrong?” he asks, going limp in my embrace. “Why aren’t we close like we used to be? What went wrong?!”

“We fell apart at the seams,” I murmur, stroking his soft hair. “We became self-absorbed and chose to ignore each other’s pain, but we don’t have to stay like this. We can grow close again; I know we can.”

We’re making progress back to where we used to be, so I press my lips to his temple.

“Don’t,” Ryan says softly, firmly. “Don’t do this, Brendon. Please, I … just go away!”

His harsh words sting and burn. “You think you’re the only one hurting,” I say stiffly. “Well, you’re not!”

Then I turn and flee from the bathroom. Screw Ryan. Screw it all!

* * *

Somehow, in a daze, I make it through the rest of the day, ignoring Ryan, shying away from Pete, clinging to Spencer, not saying a word.

I want Jon.

We were best friends, ever since we met at that two-year pre-school program and we both wanted the same book. There was a pile of pictures books, at least twenty of them, but we both wanted the same one. I pulled it out of his hands and ran off to my mother.

We were best friends, until we met Spencer in middle school. He was cool and played the drums and Jon liked him more than me. I could tell. But Jon still liked me and we were still friends.

We lived together after my mother kicked me out, and I still considered Jon my closest friend.

Until Ryan.

The tall, skinny, new boy at school. A little bit awkward but the way he stumbled over his words mesmerized me.

We were best friends. Ryan and I. Me and Ryan. Best friends.

Until Keltie. Until his father. Until something went wrong.

Maybe I was too forward or maybe he had always been breaking apart on the inside. Maybe we tripped, slipped, fell out of harmony.

Maybe we were just a mistake, a fluke, never meant to happen.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Keltie press her lips to his.

Maybe I’m still gonna fight for him.

Is it just me, or do his eyes flick to me as they kiss?

Maybe I still love him.