If I Told You I Loved You, How Far Would You Run?

“Hey Ryan, do you want to look for a bed today?” Spencer asks, one Saturday morning as the four of us eat breakfast.

“For who?” Ryan asks, looking up from his plate of waffles.

“Uh, for you,” Spencer says. “Since you just moved in and all.”

Ryan’s eyes slide over to me. I see the question in them and I smile and nod. “Actually, Spence,” he says, smiling happily, “I don’t need a bed. Brendon and I are good with sharing.”

“Just like lovers do!” Jon chimes in, in a singsong voice.

There’s something in Spencer’s knowing smile that makes me hopeful and pisses me off, but I just nod my head and busy myself with eating my waffles. “Plus, we don’t have to pay for another bed this way,” I mumble.

Ryan laughs. “Yeah, we’re cheap like that.”

Jon mumbles something under his breath that I can’t hear, but Ryan does. His head shoots up and his eyes shift to me as a scarlet blush spreads over his cheeks.

“Dare I ask?” I say dryly, trying hard not to imagine what dirty thing Jon might’ve said.

“No,” Ryan says in a strangled voice. “Please don’t.”

Damn. Had it been any other person asking me not to, I would’ve ignored them and asked anyways, but it’s Ryan, and I just can’t go against him.

“Hey, Walker,” I say, casually leaning back in my chair and looking Jon right in the eye. “Sexually harass my best friend again and I’ll rip your head off.”

This time it’s Jon’s turn to squirm and blush. “But—but I didn’t sexually harass anyone!” he protests.

“Really?” I ask in a bored voice. “’Cuz I’m pretty sure that making unwanted sexual comments counts as harassment.”

“And how would you know if what I said was sexual?” Jon demands, hands on hips.

I laugh. “I know you, Jon,” I tell him. “You and your dirty, perverted mind.”

Ryan gives me a thankful smiles and our hands find each other under the table as the rest of breakfast continues without interruption, except Jon and Spencer don’t know we’re holding hands and they don’t know that we’re giving each other reassuring, little squeezes ever so often.

It’s our little secret.

* * *

Come Monday, come school again, and lunch is oh-so-awkward.

Spencer had to meet with a teacher, Patrick is sick, and William is skipping, leaving Pete, Ryan, Keltie, and I alone at the lunch table.

Ryan and Keltie sit on one side of the table and that skank has her arms draped over his chest.

Pete and I sit opposite them and Pete’s arm is draped protectively over my shoulder.

Ryan and I are both blushing and trying not to look at each other.

It’s weird because even though we’re both dating other people and he doesn’t even think he’s gay but it sort of feels like we both belong to each other in some way.

“So, Pete,” Keltie purrs, leaning her head on Ryan’s shoulder. “How is it that you and Brandon found each?” she asks. “I mean, I thought fags were, like, a rare species or something!”

The three of us stare at her and she just blinks back, seemingly unaware of how many offense things she’s just said.

“Keltie,” Ryan says softly, removing her arms from around his shoulders. “Fag isn’t a nice word, you know that, right?”

“Is it?” she says breezily. “Oops. My bad.”

I don’t know how Ryan puts up with her since I’m about ready to punch her in the face and Pete doesn’t look too happy either.

“So how did you end up together?” Keltie presses on, regardless of all the disapproval currently being dumped onto her.

Pete looks at me and this goofy little grin comes onto his face. “I’ve always liked Brendon,” he says, rubbing his hand over my back. “And I’ve always really wanted to ask him out, especially since I thought he might be gay. But, you see, there was always this other boy. And this other boy was so goddamn perfect, a golden god. And I was convinced that Brendon liked this other boy. But then I realized that this other boy probably wasn’t gay and that Brendon probably knew it, so I worked up my courage and asked him out. And he said yes,” Pete finishes with this dreamy look on his face, and suddenly I feel confused.

He seems so sincere, so genuine, so real, that a part me is beginning to forget that this is all just play-acting.

What if … What if Pete only made up the whole “making Ryan jealous” thing because he just wanted to date me? I wonder, gazing at Pete with curiosity before glancing at Ryan. What if he really likes me?

His hazel eyes are hard and his hands are clenched into fists like he wants to punch something. He looks exactly like I feel every time I see him with Keltie.

“Oh yes,” Ryan says with mocking voice that’s trembling with fury. “I know this story.”

Pete and I exchanged alarmed glances.

“Brendon told this other boy, this ‘golden god’ as you put, that he had feelings for him and this other boy was confused, so terribly, terribly confused, because he lived in a household where it was not acceptable to be gay,” Ryan continues, watching me carefully. “But this other boy also liked Brendon back. He watched him from afar and he wanted to be with Brendon, but his family was holding him back, the beliefs that had been ground into his brain were holding back, his fear was holding him back. So he brushed Brendon off and Brendon went crying to Pete for comfort and love. And Pete gave him comfort and love and it wasn’t until then that this other boy realized how stupid he had been and how much he wanted Brendon back.”

“Wow, that’s such a sad story!” Keltie exclaims, putting her hand on Ryan’s arm. “I never knew you were such a good storyteller.”

Ryan just glowers back at me, and I wonder if he’s trying to tell me that he wants to be my boyfriend.

Pete’s arm tightens around my shoulders and I shake my head sadly. No, I tell myself. That’s just wistful thinking and you told yourself that you’d stop doing that.

But there are so many other things that you also said you’d stop doing, but you’re still doing them, a snide voice from a dark corner of my mind sneers and my fingers twitch over my wrist.

Shut up, I tell the voice. I know what I’m doing.

“Well, I gotta go now,” Keltie says, getting to her feet.

Thank god.

“See you later, Ryry,” she says, kissing him on cheek before disappearing out of the lunch room.

The moment she’s gone, I turn on Ryan. “Did you mean that?” I demand. “What you said about wanting me back?”

Ryan’s eyes are sad as he looks at me. “Oh, Brendon,” he says, shaking his head. “I never said I was talking about myself.”

“You sick bastard!” Pete growls, slamming his fists down in front of Ryan, causing both Ryan and I to jump and flinch. “Is some sorta game to you? Do you find amusing to mess with his emotions, stringing him along then shooting him down? Do you find that fun?”

Ryan looks at Pete with wide eyes. With fearful eyes.

“No! Pete!” I cry, dragging my boyfriend away from the boy I love. “Don’t. Calm down. Calm down.”

He shoots me a look, saying Are you crazy? But I’m not. I just know what Ryan’s dad did to him and I can’t stand seeing Ryan scared like that.

Even if he is breaking my heart.