If I Told You I Loved You, How Far Would You Run?

“You’re spending the night?” Jon asks as he picks pieces of popcorn up from the carpet. “Are you gonna make me put sheets on the couch as a part of my punishment?”

Ryan blushes and shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot. “Uh, no,” he mumbles. “I’m actually, uh, actually I’m gonna share Brendon’s bed.”

Jon pauses in his clean up to stare at us, jaw dropped. Then he throws his head back in hysterical laughter.

“What?” I demand, feeling a tad defensive.

Jon calms himself and carries the popcorn bowl into the kitchen. “Just try not to keep us up with your sex noises,” he says, laughing.

“What?!” Ryan and I both exclaim. Oh man, my face must be burning.

“Sex noises. You know, the noises you make when you’re having sex,” Jon states matter-of-factly.

“We are not going to have sex!” I hiss angrily, ready to charge Jon but Ryan’s steady hand on my shoulder stops me.

“Leave him be. You know Jon; he’s the most immature person on the planet. We’d be better off just going to bed now,” he says softly, tilting his head every so slightly in the direction of my bedroom.

“If by bed, you mean s—” Jon begins but this time Ryan cuts him off with a: “For gods’ sakes, Jon, leave it be!”

Jon just sticks his tongue out at us—god, he is such a child—and then switches to licking the air suggestively. Okay, time to go. I grab Ryan’s wrist and pull him along into my room.

“Man, he is such a dick!” I fume. “Sorry about that, Ry.”

“No big deal,” he says with a shrug. “Don’t let it bother you.”

But it does bother me. So much. And probably mostly because I wish it were true. No. Bad, bad, bad Brendon. No dirty thoughts. “So, uh, what do you want do in the meantime?” I ask, rubbing the neck of my neck in embarrassment.

“Let’s just talk,” Ryan says, lying down my bed. “That okay with you?”

Of course it’s okay with me. Anything Ryan wants is okay with me. “Sure,” I say and lie down next to me.

Ryan snuggles up next to me and my arms automatically find their way around him. “So, Bren, got any deep dark secrets you haven’t told me yet?” he asks.

Yes. I do. One, in fact. Wait no, actually two. The first? I’m gay. The second? I’m in love with Ryan. But shh, don’t tell anyone. “You really think I’d keep secrets from you?” I ask. “You’re my best friend!” I mean, technically I haven’t lied yet.

“Yeah, I think you would,” Ryan says casually and I shift slightly.

“Really?” I ask. “Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Keep secrets from me?”

Ryan pauses, and I stiffen, waiting, waiting, waiting for his reply. “Yeah, perhaps,” he says carelessly.

It takes a few seconds for his words to sink in. And them the paranoia kicks in and I’m staring at him as if that will reveal all his hidden words and thoughts. “Like what?” I demand. “What do you keep from me?”

He pulls away from me to gaze into my eyes, fingers caressing my hair. “If it’s a secret, then I can’t tell you, can I?” he says quietly.

Silence.

And then I have to ask: “Am I really your best friend?”

Ryan’s hazel eyes widen in shock. “Of course you are! How can you even question that?” he says and pulls me into his arms. “There’s no one—no one—I care about more than you.”

I take a deep breath, breathing in his scent, his words, his love. “Thank you, Ryan,” I say. “You … you mean the world to me too.”

We pull apart slightly to gaze at each other, noses only an inch or two apart. My heart is racing and there’s a slight tension in the air between. It’s all so cliché, but honestly, I’d write the sappiest, corniest, cheesiest ballads just for a chance at romance with Ryan.

A loud knock on the door ruins the moment. “You sexing each other yet?” Jon asks in his loud, obnoxious voice.

I blush and turn away from Ryan. “You grown up yet?” I snap back.

Ryan laughs as Jon’s footsteps walk down the hall. “Honestly, Bren, I think it’s more likely we’d hook up then Jon actually acts mature,” he says.

“Really?” I ask, forcing a slightly mocking tone into my voice. “You think it’s likely we’d hook up?”

“Well, I mean, we are sharing a bed tonight,” Ryan jokes, ruffling my hair. “And Jon’s still playing the fool, so …”

“So there you have it,” I finish for him.

“Yeah, there you have it,” Ryan says with a smile. “Come on, it’s probably ten o’clock at least; let’s get ready to go to sleep. Can I borrow a pair of your pajamas?”

Oh yeah … pajamas … See, Ryan doesn’t know this, but the thing is: I usually sleep in, uh, my birthday suit, if you will. Which would be super awkward since Ryan’s sleeping with me. I say as much and Ryan blushes and glances at me through his luscious eyelashes.

“Oh man, I’m sorry to be such a drag,” he says. “But, um … you wouldn’t mind sleeping in at least your boxers, would you?”

“Course not,” I say, touching my nose gently to his delicate cheekbone. “Anything for you.”

“So how about something to sleep in?” Ryan asks and I laugh.

Moving across the room to my dresser, I dig through the drawers until I find a pair of navy plaid pajama bottoms and slightly wrinkled tee shirt. “This work for you?” I ask, holding up the pair.

Ryan nods: “Yes, yes, now give here.” I toss the pajamas to him and collapse on my bed, burying my face in the bed sheets.

“Uh, Bren?” Ryan says, nudging my side.

“Mmph?”

“I need to change,” he states.

I look up at him. “Yeah? So?” I ask. “What’s stopping you?”

“You are,” Ryan says bluntly.

“What?” I asked, not understanding his meaning.

“Leave,” he says and shoos me from the room.

Oh. I get it now. I should’ve guessed that Ryan would be self-conscious about changing in front of me. He’s shy and little bit socially awkward. Duh. God Brendon, you’re an idiot. Just because you wouldn’t have any problem with that, doesn’t mean that everyone is like that.

I stand, blushing, in the hallway, until Ryan opens the door and lets me back into my bedroom. Crossing to my bed, I keep my eyes on the floor, willing myself not to blush, but the truth is—Ryan looks damn good.

I inherited my mother’s hips, so my pajama pants hang low on Ryan’s willowy frame, and the thin cotton of tee shirt doesn’t leave a whole lot to the imagination. Rowr.

“Should I leave?” Ryan asks, hovering awkwardly by my door.

“Why?” I ask.

“Don’t you wanna change?” Ryan asks, tilting his head.

“Yeah right, as if I’m gonna strip down now and go waltzing around the apartment in my boxers!” I laugh.

Ryan blushes and looks at the ground as if to say Oh yeah, I forgot you don’t wear pajamas … “So, um, when are we gonna go to bed?” he asks, flinging himself onto my bed.

“Oof!” I grunt as his elbow digs into my stomach. “Ehhg, offa me,” I say and push him to one side. “For a skinny little thing, you sure packed a lot weight into that.”

“Aw, I’m sorry,” Ryan says. “Did I hurt you?”

“Yes. Yes, you did,” I say with a pout.

“Do you need me to kiss it better?” he asks.

“Yes,” I say, lifting my shirt up and expecting Ryan to laugh me off.

Instead he leans forward and presses his lips to my stomach in a careful kiss.

Ooooh, that felt good.

Ryan draws back and looks at me with wide eyes and pink cheeks. “Um,” he says. “That was …” His voice trails off.

“Nice,” I fill in with a vague and airy voice. “My stomach feels better already.”

Ryan shoots me a relieved look and laughs. “Yeah, it better,” he says. “My kisses are medically proven to relieve pain.”

“Mm-hmm.”

Welp. That was kinda awkward.

“So do you want to go to bed now?” I ask, scrambling for anything—anything!—to release the uncomfortable tension.

“If you want,” Ryan says with a smile.

“Yeah. I’m pretty tired,” I say with a nod, and I head to the bathroom to brush my teeth and Ryan trails after me, even though he doesn’t have a toothbrush.

The bathroom is closed and someone just turned the shower on.

“Hey!” I shout, pounding the door. “Wanna let me brush my teeth first?”

“Uh, no!” Spencer calls back.

God, it’s Spencer; he always takes forever to shower. “No!” I shout. “You are not getting in that shower!”

“Try and stop me!”

Ryan and I meet each other’s eyes. “Shall we?” I ask.

“Let’s,” Ryan says and we burst into the bathroom, waving our hands above our heads and screaming a war cry.

Our dramatic entrance is met by Spencer squeaking and spinning around in shock, dropping his towel as he does so. Our cries of battle turn to cries of horror and we sped from the bathroom.

Spencer slams the door behind us: “And stay out!”

“Oh god,” Ryan says in a scandalized voice. “I didn’t think he’d be naked!”

“Scarred for life, dude, scarred for life,” I say.

“That’s why you don’t come into the bathroom when you know someone else in there,” Spencer says.

“You dared us to!”

“I didn’t expect you to take it seriously!” Spencer huffs back. “Now go away. I can’t shower knowing you two are standing right there.”

Ryan and I exchange exasperated glances and head back to my room. “I hope I never have to see a naked Spencer ever again in my life,” Ryan says with a groan.

I nod in agreement. “Soo awkward.”

Ryan looks at me and I look at him and we both crack up. “Still, that was pretty funny!” Ryan says between gasps of laughter.

“So what do you want to do while we wait for Spencer to get out of shower?” I ask when we finally calm down. “Which will take a long time, trust me.”

“Hmm,” Ryan muses, running a hand through his dark hair. “You know, we never really did get to talk earlier.”

“Yeah,” I agree. “You sorta derailed that with all your talk about secrets. Which I do not appreciate you keeping from me.”

“I’ll tell you one day. I promise I will,” Ryan says, staring at me with steady eyes. “I just can’t tell you yet.”

“I hate knowing you’re keeping something from me but not knowing what,” I grumble. “I really hate it.”

Before I know it, Ryan’s arms are around me and he’s whispering in my ear. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t tell you. I’m so sorry, Bren,” he says, brushing my hair with his lips. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I don’t want to hurt you either,” I tell him. “I promise you I won’t hurt you ever.”

He smiles but doesn’t promise me the same.

It should be so obvious how much I love him, but he doesn’t seem to see. And he doesn’t feel the same about me, I’m sure of it. Why would he? He’s sexy and a lot of girls at school like him. He’s probably straight. We’re best friends and nothing more.

Ryan meets my gaze, seeing none of the turmoil inside of me, and grins. “Let’s go bother Jon,” he suggests.

“Okay!” I say with a beam. “Sounds good to me.”

We creep from my room, down the hall, and into the room Jon shares with Spencer. Yes, they share a room, and no, they’re not gay; they’re just really close. Besides, it’s not like they share a bed. Just a room.

The lamp was on and Jon was lying on his bed, a book over his face.

Asleep, I mouth at Ryan.

He nods and makes tickling gestures towards Jon. I grin and nod.

I hold up three fingers, counting down to our attack. When I tuck my index finger back into my palm, Ryan and I pounce on Jon, ticking his stomach, neck, knees, anywhere we could.

“SURPRISE SNEAK ATTACK!” I shout gleefully.

“OMIFUCKINGOD!” Jon screams, thrashing around. He lands on the floor with a painful sounding thump. “Seriously dudes, what the hell?”

“Tickle, tickle, tickle!” Ryan says with a grin.

Jon picks himself and his book off the floor and glares at us. “You guys better not be noisy tonight since I am not feeling nice towards you two,” he grumbles.

“Still flogging that dead horse?” Ryan asks coolly, arching a perfectly shaped eyebrow. “We’re not going to have sex, you know.”

“Yeah, yeah. That’s what they all say,” Jon says with a smirk and chases us from the room.

After ten minutes of pacing and talking about nothing and waiting impatiently in my room, we hear Spencer open the bathroom door and make his way back to his room. “Yes! Bathroom’s free!” I say and dash off to brush my teeth.

Ryan follows me in and stands beside me, meeting my eyes in the mirror and mimicking my explosive tooth brushing. “Ar’ ‘oo makin fun o’ me?” I ask through a mouthful of toothpaste.

“No,” Ryan says in the most innocent voice and clasps his hands behind his back, looking exactly like I think an angel would. Seriously, he must be the most angelic person I’ve ever seen in my life. “Would I make fun of you?” Ryan asks in the same innocent voice. “You? My best friend? Would I ever make fun of you?”

I rinse my mouth and whip around to glare playfully at Ryan. “Yes. Yes, you would,” I say accusingly.

Done with brushing my teeth, I walk to the door, playfully socking Ryan in the arm as I pass him, and head back to my room.

“Ahh!” I say and fall down on my bed, arms spread wide.

“Time for bed now?” Ryan asks, watching me with big, hazel eyes.

“Mm-hmm,” I say and get to my feet.

Ryan crawls under my covers and looks, blushing, away from me as I strip down to my boxers, turn the lights off, and slip in next to him.

Without a second thought, our arms find their way around each other. “Good night, Bren,” Ryan says drowsily.

“Night, Ry,” I murmur. “Sweet dreams.”

“You mean the world to me,” Ryan whispers in the dark.

You are my world.