But Maybe We'll Live Forever

Ritalin Revolver was on her fifth cup of coffee.

Bulletproof Liberation, Grace, and I were eyeing her worriedly; waiting for her to start giggling manically and crash the car into the boys’ car (who was in front of us, leading the way). But she wasn’t. She was calm and smooth and driving perfectly. It seemed as though all it was doing was keeping her awake, the same as just one cup of coffee would for normal people.

Coffee – along with lots of other things – had been banned a long time ago by BL/ind. Of course, they’d brainwashed all of us into thinking it was for our own interest. In all honesty, though, it was a little ridiculous. Coffee wasn’t going to start a rebellion.

I realized how that’s all that Korse had been trying to do. He’d been trying to run the world, and he didn’t want a rebellion to kick him out of his place. So Better Living Industries was created to make everyone emotionless robots. I was lucky I always had a bad memory and forgot to take the pills all the time; the boys explained that most people would be going through a withdrawal.

“Is that healthy?” Grace asked, tapping Ritalin Revolver on the shoulder.

“A few cups of coffee never killed anyone, honey bunny,” Ritalin said, keeping her eyes on the road. “My old crew – before they died – Inevitable Nightmare had some serious ADHD. She was crazy hyper all the time, and since BL/ind took everything over, she couldn’t have any medicine for that. She also had depression. So she was this crazy motherfucker all the time, and I learned to stay awake and keep an eye on her by drinking coffee all night. I guess I built up a resistance.”

“Do you miss them?” I asked timidly, looking over towards Ritalin.

She glanced at me. “’Course I do. But missing and wishing isn’t gonna bring them back. You learn that when you’re a Killjoy. One day you might lose those boys up there and you’ll learn.”

I looked down. I’d lost Rory; did that count for anything? I guess it was different – Rory had been more than a Killjoy, he’d been my brother. I couldn’t get over him so easy. I couldn’t just say “he’s gone, oh well” and move on like a normal Killjoy.

I didn’t say any of this. I just stared ahead and watched as the moon changed its positions in the sky. It was around 3:00am right now, and I wasn’t tired. Ritalin had given us all two cups of coffee. That was all we’d needed. Grace was pretty jumpy right now because of it.

“There it is,” Ritalin said.

There it was.

Battery City. We were close to entering. I could see the giant buildings rising up; a white oasis in a scorching desert. Only the Killjoys knew it was a mirage.

I’d lived in Battery City my whole life – the small outskirts; the neighborhoods and mini-town centers. Not the giant industrial beauty that was the actual city. I was staring at it in awe at this moment. It was huge. The tallest tower had a blinding white neon sign with the BLI guy smiling creepily over the city and the words “BETTER LIVING INDUSTRIES” printed in large lettering right underneath it.

It was eerily beautiful. As apposed to Vegas, none of the signs were in color – it was all the same blinding white. It was like a large ghost city, shining in the darkness. There didn’t seem to be joy here – just being alive. Again, very different from the city life of Las Vegas.

In front of us, the guys honked twice as if to signal victory and arrival. They yelled and stuck their fists out the windows. We all laughed and did the same, signaling back to them.

We approached the city gates. An ID machine with the BLI guy on it was off to the side, the white gates standing mockingly in front of us.

“How are we gonna get in?” I asked.

“We all got IDs. For the most part, we just don’t use them,” Ritalin said at the same moment as Party Poison’s arm shot out his window with card in hand.

He stuck it in the machine.

“For courtesy reasons, you shouldn’t listen,” Ritalin said, covering her ears. “He’s gonna be addressed by his real name and that isn’t exactly something all of us Killjoys flaunt.”

Curiosity had overtaken me. I strained my ears to hear, but all I heard was a muffled voice. The gates opened and in drove the guys.

I sighed and handed my card over when Ritalin asked for it.

She stuck it in the machine.

“Thank you – Shelby Summer Chauncey. Enjoy your stay at Battery City. Keep working to stay alive. Goodbye.” The robotic voice I used to not even care about sent shivers up my spine now.

We drove into the city, following the boys’ car. They were heading towards the BLI Headquarters parking garage, following the signs to the main building.

The place was breathtaking. All the bright white lights and signs. The emptiness of the night – Battery City had a curfew, and if we were seen, there would be hell to pay – and how eerie it was. Building rising into the sky so high that I couldn’t tell where the building ended and the sky began.

“It had potential, didn’t it?” Ritalin Revolver said, turning into the parking garage.

“Yeah,” I breathed.

We parked and got out, stretching. Ritalin threw her empty coffee cups into a nearby trashcan. Grace yawned. Bulletproof put a small jacket around Grace’s shoulders. I just stood there and yawned myself, stretching my arms above my head.

The guys came up to us pretty fast, walking towards us like they owned the city. In a way, I guess, they did. The fear they struck into the general public’s heart made the city their own personal slave.

“So,” Party Poison said, his voice strong. “Tomorrow, Korse is giving his speech. We’re gonna be watching – in the crowd. Try to stay in the back so that no one can see you; stay hidden. Keep your guns on you at all times. As soon as the speech is over, make your way down here to the basement of the parking garage; no one really parks down here in the basement – and wait for further orders.”

We all nodded.

“We might as well get back in our cars and go to sleep. We don’t got anywhere else to stay tonight,” Party Poison said, nodding at all of us.

Ritalin jumped into her car, followed by Grace and Bulletproof. I began to follow myself, but Party tapped me on the shoulder. “Atomic, I’d like to speak with you a moment.”

“Um, okay…” I followed him off a ways, near the back. It was pretty dark except for a small flickering light keeping everything visible. I looked around, a bit confused, and even a little scared.

Party had stopped walking, and was standing there not facing me. His eyes were on the flickering white light.

“Party…?” I asked.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow,” Party Poison said. “Every time we come fact to face with Korse, it’s a real test. We’ve cheated death I don’t know how many times. This is going to be your first time, and you’ve joined us in a very crucial part of the mission of being a Killjoy. I’m worried about you.”

I noticed his voice was still in Head Killjoy mode. Normally, when he spoke to me or any of the other guys personally, he spoke with his calm, kind, friendly voice. Right now his voice radiated authority, and I felt growing unease and fear in my pit of my chest. “Don’t worry,” I said. “I’ll be fine.”

“I’m sure you’re going to be fine,” he said. “I’m worried about one of us dying and you having to bear the consequences. I don’t want to leave you when you’re so new. It’s been on all of our minds ever since you joined us; if one of us – or maybe more than one – were to die, what would happen to you? How would you handle it? You saw Ritalin; the way she was acting is the way a trained Killjoy who isn’t new to this would react. I’m assuming it made you feel a little strange seeing how little the end of a human life affected her, am I right?”

I felt the unease growing even some more. What would I do if they died in the middle of a mission? Would I keep running and not look back, or would I look back and get myself killed as well? I knew the answer to that question, and I didn’t like it. I knew Party Poison didn’t, either.

“Yes,” I finally said. “It didn’t seem right to me.”

Party Poison shifted on his feet a little and turned towards me. His eyes were full of pain and intensity. When he spoke again, the authority in his voice was gone, replaced by a soft tenderness that could break my heart.

“Atomic,” he said, “I don’t know how tomorrow’s going to end. I don’t know if one of us is going to get caught and killed during the speech or after or even the next day when we begin our attack. I don’t know how any of this is going to end. I know how it must’ve felt losing Bullet De… losing Rory. As much as I hate to admit it, if Kobra was killed during a mission, I wouldn’t be able to leave him. I’d be trying to help him, and I know that would end in my own death.”

“Party,” I replied, feeling a little faint. “What are you trying to say?”

It was a little surprising to realize how close he’d gotten to me. I could feel his warm breath and I could see every detail of his face. He stared at me, unblinking.

“None of us want to die alone,” Party Poison said. “But the way things are going, most of us are going to have to. Your brother died alone. If I, Kobra, Fun, Jet, or any of the others are shot or ambushed to a point beyond saving, you can’t even look behind you to see us. You have to keep running. You can never stop running.”

“I won’t be able to,” I felt myself saying, feeling weak.

“You have to,” he said. His face was dangerously close to mine. I could see worry, concern, fear, and something else in his eyes. He brushed some hair away from my face with a gloved hand, his unwavering gaze piercing to my core. “You need to keep running.”

And he kissed me.

It was different from Kobra’s kiss. It wasn’t angry and demanding. In fact, it was the opposite. It was full of want and sadness and it was surprisingly soft. His lips were surprisingly soft for a man who’d been running in the desert – you’d expect them to be cracked and dry. But they were soft. Warm. Comforting, in a way.

And in a way that was much different than Kobra’s kiss, I kissed back, if only a little. I felt myself depending on his strong arms, wrapping my own around his neck.

When we pulled apart, he let go of me and stared into my eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said, a little breathless.

“For what?”

“Everything.”

I hugged him tightly.