Drop The Puck, It's Time To Go

Blinking at the soft sunlight splashing on my face, I felt a hand brushing my bangs off my forehead. I blinked my eyes opened and sat up, blinking in slight confusion. My body felt extremely stiff and felt a shifting form beside me and a familiar voice say my name.
“Morning Roxy.” Tuukka was awake and allowed his arms to untangle from their tender embrace around me. I blinked at him, rubbing my eyes.
“How…did I get here?” I asked. I seriously couldn’t remember coming to Tuukka’s hotel room last night, just my heart-to-heart chat with Erika.
Oh wait…
I passed out.
Oops.
“You passed out.” Tuukka stated, all serious. He placed his hand on my cheek and looked deeply at me. “Kultaseni, you’re killing yourself.” I sighed and rolled out of bed.
“I know and sorry for putting this stress on you.” I stood up and stretched before collapsing back on the bed, barely feeling any strength in me.
“God dammit Roxy, you can barely stand!” Tuukka cried, rolling over and sitting up next to me. “Lay back down and I’m calling room service so we can get food in you.” He demanded, attempting me to get me to lie back down in the bed again. I fought him.
“No, I’m fine! I’ll eat breakfast down with everyone else. I don’t need special treatment!” He got me on my back and pinned me down, kissing me tenderly to get me to calm down.
“Bullshit kultaseni, you clearly do. You’re so weak you probably wont make it down there and will you even eat when you got down there? I rather be coaxing you in private.” I let my body relax at Tuukka’s compassion.
“Babe, I would.” I told him, meaning all of it. I’ve been stupid and I want to fix it.
“Roxy, I’m only asking because people can’t just snap out of that kind of mentality that has clearly been plaguing you for two years.” Tuukka was looking down at me with concern, gently placing his forehead on mine, helping to keep the discomforting thoughts of the past times of being pinned seem irrelevant. This is a different kind…still made me a bit uncomfortable to be pinned down on the bed and I squirmed a bit.
“Tuukka, I’ll eat when I get down there, seriously, you’re not the only one who knows and I’m really embarrassed by it.” My thoughts turned to Erika and Sidney, the two who saw me pass out.
“But will you be embarrassed to eat in front of them aft-” I sighed in aggravation, all feeling of tranquility of being in Tuukka’s presence fading now. He was being overbearing right now and I was getting irritated with it.
“Just stop.” I snapped, now trying to wiggle out from his pinning position. “The more you fucking over do this, the less chance you’ll actually get me to stop all of this!” Tuuk looked over at me, a little stunned but recovered.
“Wow, sorry to be concerned. I’m only worried about your goddamn welfare.” He said icily, chilling my heart a bit. I hated it that dreading feeling that a fight was coming, an argument that was almost not necessary and just wound you inside.
“I know Tuu-” He cut me off.
“No, you don’t know. You’re fucking stressing me out and then brushing it off like it’s nothing! You’re killing yourself and brushing it off as nothing! You’re wanting to cure yourself but your pushing away the fucking help! Are you not seeing this!?” He got up and started to pace around the room and I sat there feeling ashamed.
“It’s…complicated.” I stated weakly.
“Clearly.” He snapped back. I shot a little glare at him and he glared back. “So glaring at me now for fucking being worried about you, that’s nice.” I got up angrily.
“What the fuck Tuukka, I don’t need this argument!”
“Well then don’t freaking light the fire then!” He yelled back.
“This is difficult to deal with ok!? Don’t expect me to be ok with just waltzing into help. Cause I’m not. Have you not gotten that clear yet? Getting help makes me feel weak and pathetic and I hate it! You have to understand that I’m kind of fucked up in the head now thanks to Jake!”
“And I fucking love you and care about you! I wouldn’t have proposed dating you if I didn’t back on Christmas Eve! All I want to do is help you become un-fucked up by showering you with the love and respect you fucking deserve. What are you doing now, brushing it off? Cause that’s what it feels like.” I bit my lip…he had a small point.
“I’m not trying to…” I stated softly.
“Well that’s what it feels like. I don’t need more fucking stress. My season already sucks, I can’t save goals for shit, you’re depressed, not eating, and cutting yourself, you have an ex-boyfriend who is a rapist wandering around. What else? Oh! Guess what? The Bruins might be fucking trading me.” I felt like Tuukka threw a brick at my face. Shut about that analogy, I’m distressed right now, its how it feels! I stood in shock, mouth half hung open. Oh god, no…my team can’t send him away. It would be the biggest mistake in the whole world.
And I don’t want to be separated from him…
I don’t want a crazy long distance relationship like Erika is with Sidney.
Fuck! What if he went to the…the…I don’t know, Atlanta Thrashers or something!?
“Wha…what!?” I cried. “No! That can’t be possible!” Tuukka walked past me and started to change.
“It is Roxy, believe it or fucking not, you might not get to see me all the time and it hurts me to think about that too. So I’m working my ass off to make sure your not going to starve and overwork yourself and slit your wrists again while I’m in god forsaking Vancouver or something and can’t do shit about it.” He finished changing and went to the door. “I care that much about you.” He then left making me feel upset, ashamed, and scared.
Upset cause we just fought again.
Ashamed for what I was doing with my reputation, friends, and relationship.
Scared because I didn’t like the idea of not seeing Tuukka everyday.
I stood in the middle of the room not knowing what the hell to do when I then decided the best thing to do was to find Boychuk, Bergeron, and Marchand. I hadn’t hung out with them yet since they arrived and I felt if anyone would cheer me up with stupidity…it would be them. Finding a random pair of my jeans and T-shirt (don’t ask…you don’t want the answer), I managed to wander through the halls to find Team Canada. Finding the door to their hotel room, I knocked three times and waited for the door to be opened, which it did by Boychuk.
“ROOOOOXANNE!” He cried, then grabbed me and crushed me into a giant hug. “I haven’t seen you since the locker room incident to tell you fully that you did kickass in the Skills competition!” I choked out a response.
“Thaaaanks…” Boychuk put me down and before I could get my bearings, dear Brad Marchand was the next one to tackle me.
“YOU BEAST!” He cried. “Fucking 103.1 mph!? What you trying to do? Make all of us look like shit and try to kill the opposing team’s goalie!?” I was then carried into the dirty hotel room.
Hockey men, the never keep shit clean.
“Just showing off my skills, something you don’t have.” I told Marchy. I felt the grip loosen quickly and I dropped to the floor.
“I hate you.” Marchy said, giving me a pouting face that I lightly smacked away.
“You’re not very cheery…” Bergeron stated, looking at me from one side of the room with his arms crossed. “You still tired?” He asked, as if hoping that was the answer. I sighed.
“No, I’m wide awake. Just…got in a fight with Tuuk.” I covered my face with my hands as the three all groaned.
“Oh boy.” Boychuk stated.
“About what?” Bergeron asked.
“Wonderful! You’re fucking up team chemistry! Oh, don’t you guys ever break up, that will become a fucking disaster.” Marchand added. I gave Marchy an annoyed stare and both Bergeron and Boychuk both smacked him on the back of the head.
“Idiot.” They both mumbled. “Anyways Roxy, can you explain to us what happened? Obviously your upset and you came to us to cheer you up.” Bergeron said afterwards.
“It warms our heart.” Boychuk said, all fruity.
“That’s so gaaaaaay.” Marchand chimed. Smack! “Ow…” After Boychuk finished smacking Marchand I finally explained to them about everything. From what was happening before All-Star, during, after, and now the fight with Tuukka.
“Did you guys know he was possibly being traded?” I asked. The three nodded.
“Yeah, everyone knows and we all didn’t know what to say when you were told, didn’t want to ruin your weekend but then your depression caught wind with us…GOD DAMN this is an insane week. LIFE, START GETTING SIMPLE!” Marchand roared out the window.
“Marchand, I am with you on this!” I said, running up to him and hugging him. “Life is difficult! Like why!?”
“Ok Roxy, let go of Marchand or we’ll have him pull you into the tango while singing Roxanne.”
I let go as Bergeron continued.
“Look, life seems really down right now and you might have felt like you were alone but you have to remember. You’ve got us along with Tuukka, your brother, and the rest of the team.”
“But we’re the most important in that list.” Marchand added and Boychuk nodded in agreement. I smiled.
“You guys are crazy…”
“Hey, we might be and we might annoy the fuck out of you but we do it cause you’re our sister and we would hate to lose you.” Bergeron pulled me into a hug. “Now lets get you some food before you die and we all cry and the Bruins start sucking again.”
“YES FOOD!” Marchand cried, running out of the room and causing me too laugh, feeling a bit better inside. Team Canada knew how to cheer you up, everyone should have one for themselves, seriously. As we wandered towards the area where everyone was having breakfast, I began to chat with the three guys, catching up about what I was missing this weekend. Evidently the toy helicopters that we bought for ourselves and Boychuk for his birthday were brought to practice and Team Canada dive bombed Coach.
“Shit, why didn’t you wait for me for that!?” I asked, dying of laughter at the mental image. “I need distractions these days.” Before any of them could answer, the melodic (catch my sarcasm) voice of Erika Harper echoed out of the reception room.
“SO IF YOU HAD SEX IN THE LAST THIRTY MINUTES THEN YOU’RE QUALIFIED TO SING WITH ME!”
I instantly found the distraction I needed.
“Excuse me for a moment…” I said with a smirk to the instigators as I burst into the room where breakfast was happening and Erika was clearly singing and making a fool of herself and Crosby.
“I JUST HAD SEEEEEX!! AND IT FEEEEELT SO GOOD! FELT SO GOOD!” I cried, busting through the door, arms wide, and unleashing my horrendous voice to the chaos as Team Canada stared at me in the background with tilted heads.
“Judging by what she told us…I’m calling bullshit on this.” Boychuk stated.
“A WOMAN LET ME PUT MY PENIS INSIDE OF HERRRR! I JUST HAD SEEEEEX AND I’LL NEVER GO BACK! NEVER GO BACK TO THE NOT HAVING SEX WAYS OF THE PAST!”
Kaner, Stastny, Byfuglien and Kesler joined in and I allowed my frustration fade away for a little bit at this immature show. Once in awhile, you need it!
“Kaner you would.” Erika snorted.
“He would, cause sadly its probably 99% true.” I stated, cause us burst into laughter. Kane frowned, giving Erika a depressed puppy dog smile.
“That’s mean you guys!”
“Its ok Kaner, you know I love you!” Erika threw her arms around him and pulling him in.
“Tazer, document this! She openly admitted she loved me! IN FRONT OF PEOPLE!” Kane sounded like he was going to start dancing and singing.
“In all honesty Kane, I think she’s using the term…very loosely.” I said. “It would be like me lunging at Marchand and saying I loved him. Let me demonstrate. MARCHAND!” I cried, running towards him.
“NO, DON’T ATTACK ME!” He cried. “I want to live!” I then tackled him into a hug.
“I LOVE YOU MARCHY but not really.” I then let go and looked back at Kane. “Demonstration completed.”
“You suck…” Marchy mumbled while Bergeron and Boychuk were laughing along with Erika.
“Your Marchand is my Kaner! I like your attitude!” She said, letting go of Spiderhands.
“Shit, your right.” I said, looking at Marchand. “I hope you’re not a little manwhore.”
“He is, no innocence within it…may look it but he’s anything but.” Boychuk stated.
“Fuck you…” Marchand said. “You already make fun of my height!” As the guys started to harass each other now, I reverted my attention to Erika.
“Since the guys are being stupid now, how about talk about something different. How are you and Sidney?”
“FANTASTIC! Though I’m not gonna lie, I’m sore as fuck and have been all week. I’m gonna have trouble skating tonight.” Erika snickered like an immature girl and I started to laugh.
“So fucking blunt, I love it. Sometimes I wonder if you were really born in Massachusetts and not Virginia.” Snorting, Erika responded.
“Do have that attitude don’t I? Well anyway how are you and Tuukka doing?” I opened my mouth to respond with a “good” but stopped.
“Well…we were doing good…” I answered, sighing and looking at the floor, wondering where he was and what he was thinking. Erika abruptly grabbed my arm and pulled me back towards the lobby.
“I’ll be back boys! Save me food Sidney!” She turned back to me. “Hesitation, a cry for help. Come on, its girl talk time.” I was being dragged to some unknown location, reminiscent of the night after the fantasy draft.
“It was just a small minor fight…I think all will be ok later, but it’s about the second time within the span of a month? Maybe? I don’t know, it gets frustrating.” Erika inserted the key into the door as she spoke.
“Well, at least he’s around all the time. I only get to see Sidney on a few occasions throughout the year.” I felt like there was an underlining of venom in those words, like…like she resented that fact.
“You’re jealous about that fact, aren’t you?” I asked curiously. I wasn’t biting back, I was just calmly asking.
“Well of course I fucking am! Do you understand how hard it is to not be able to see the man you love for months? To not be satisfied? Shit, I had a horrible sexual drive before! I had to repress myself so much these last few months when he wasn’t around! And do you know how fucking HARD that is when your team is full of hot men? I mean shit I’d give anything to spend all of my days with my man!” I stepped back a little at that sudden snap, glaring slightly. What the hell, it was a small question! I wasn’t opening up for an argument at all! Fine, she want an argument, she’s going to get one.
“Glad to know it sounds like you want to lunge at your own teammates in lust, I wasn’t being malice about my freaking question!”
“Oh please, you wouldn’t even understand how I was feeling because you can get the fuck whenever you want it! If you were deprived long enough, you’d start thinking about your teammates too!” She snapped back. I rolled my eyes.
“Maybe I would! But I would learn to deal with it, cause I love Tuukka!” I then stopped yelling and burst into tears. “And maybe I will have to too! Fucking Bruins might be fucking trading him!”
“Yeah, well it’s a lot easier said than fucking done. I’d never imagine cheating on Sidney, but that doesn’t mean the natural desire doesn’t take over. So don’t go fucking accusing me of being a whore, because you know you’ve had the same desires toward other people who aren’t your boyfriend. Its completely natural.” I glared at her.
“Like hell I have…” I walked over to the window and stared out at the city, tears rolling down my face. “Jake seemed to destroy any feeling towards someone, I didn’t even want to be in any relationship ever again. All I seemed to see about guys were greedy, power hungry assholes.”
“Yeah well we all meet one of those eventually. You know how long it took me to let Sidney have me? I was so afraid after what Sean did to me that Sidney was going to hurt me to. So its not like I don’t know that either.” It sounded like she was seriously downplaying Jake and that made me bubble in anger. Bitch you have no idea…
“You say Sean was bad? Funny, because you looked so happy with him the time I ran into you, shit was I jealous of your happiness.” I was looking at her with my arms crossed.
“That was before everything went to hell. What would you know? We all put on fucking façades to hide our sadness. It’s our defense mechanism, to fool the whole world into thinking we’re all ok. I would think you would know a lot about that in recent past, wouldn’t you?” I opened my mouth to retaliate but I stopped. She had such a valid point. I did do that at points. Sure, I was a very emotional person but I used it to hide the depression and hatred I felt deep inside.
“Yes, I would know that very well.” Sighing, I kicked the table that was near me. “But what could Sean possibly have done to make you feel so afraid?” I fell my mouth running on autopilot right now. “Did he beat you? Rape you? Run your whole life? Did the one boy who helped you through all of that die after saving your fucking life right before your eyes? Did your mother run away with all your money leaving you with no place to live? Did you live a fear of running into your ex again, or falling victim to the same shit you had run away from? Have you spent your whole life running away from everything and everyone?”
“Yeah, I get it. Your life was shit. Ok, so what? You think mine wasn’t? All you do is feel sorry for your fucking self, instead of trying to move on from all of it! I learned to move on from all my pain, unlike your sorry ass! And I dealt with my share of shit, so don’t go preaching to me like I know jack shit on the subject of pain!” I felt like I was punched in the goddamn gut, felt so numb as to not know how to fucking feel about all of this. She had a point, she just took who I really was and threw it out into my face in plain sight. But I guess it’s time to turn the clock and do it to her in return…relentless bitch.
“Ok, fine, I get it. I’m a self-centered bitch with nothing to complain about. But listen Erika Harper; before I was brought into this crazy hellhole that’s the NHL, you were my idol. I loved hockey and when I saw that you had broken the barrier and entered this realm, you instantly became a model for me, someone who took that extra step and pushed them self to get here. I felt proud of the person who did what I didn’t do, I never had the determination to push myself that extra yard and I regretted that I didn’t. And every interview, every show, and every game I continued to see someone who didn’t let their fame get to them, someone who was kind and opened to her fans. You were the perfect athlete, someone deeply connected to their sport, team, fans, and everyone in the league. But when I finally played against you, I discovered an ugly truth. I couldn’t wait to play my first game against you, I wanted to see how I matched up with you and I wanted to meet you as equals, I felt that if anyone else was going to open up to the second woman in the league, it would be you. But no. You rejected me and scorned me for stepping into your fucking ‘territory’, your fucking ‘spotlight’, your fucking ‘rink’. You became totally opposite of what you see on TV, you weren’t this caring athlete. You were a nasty, cold-hearted bitch! Someone jealous that there was another one equal to her skill, thinking that there couldn’t possibly be anyone else in this world that could possibly reach your level, someone who ‘didn’t suffer to get into the league’. Listen, I might not have busted my ass like you did, but I suffered! I suffered till I got into the NHL! You have a family that isn’t split and you managed to get through college! What happened to me? My father is dead, he never got to see me play a game at all, I don’t have him in the stands watching me and cheering me on. Neither with my mother! She’s a raging drug addict and alcoholic that ran away leaving me with no way to pay for the rest of college, forcing me to drop out broke and homeless! I had to call my brother crying to be able to find a place to fucking live! You also didn’t have to suffer through a one year abusive relationship either! You spat at me saying how I had nothing to complain about my ex, well I’m sorry! Did Sean beat you and rape you? No, I don’t think so! When he does, then you have something to say to me! Then you have something to complain about! You might have suffered through practice and getting a spotlight to get in the NHL…but I suffered too, just a different way. We’re so alike Erika Harper, but you chose to hate me when we could have been friends. You’re not the star player everyone thinks…” I stood there, blinking a little in shock at how much shit I just spewed out. Erika seemed to be stunned, tears emerging into her eyes as she seemed to struggle to come to terms with what just happened. She then opened her mouth.
“Ok, you got your spiel and now I’m giving mine. That crap you spewed at me, its all true. It kills me to admit it, but you’re right ok? I never wanted to be that way. I never wanted to be that kind of person who shuts someone out just because they intimidated me. I didn’t want to be blinded by my success and fame. And honestly, I couldn’t see how someone could just waltz their little ass into this league like you did. It offended me, especially after I barely made the draft cut last year. I was the first. I’m territorial. It’s just my nature. It never occurred to me that some other woman could come in and match my ability. I was comfortable, and you came in and ripped that comfort from right out under me. You took away the world I knew so well, stole my security. I don’t like that kind of change, get it?” Tears began to pour out of Erika’s eyes. “So I lashed out at you. I became like a fucking guard dog, I put up walls. I didn’t think of you as a person who went through so much. I judged. I didn’t look at you as a person with a suffering past. I didn’t see it from an outside perspective. And didn’t see you like a real person would. I fucked up, and I let my competitive side cloud my mind. And that’s why I couldn’t be what you built me up to be in your mind. But you don’t understand where I’m coming from either. Sure, I had a family, but I had a horribly fucked up family too. Yes I still have my father, but still to this day I question why he let my mother do what she did to me.” A sob escaped her lips. “Every day I dealt with verbal and emotional abuse from my mother. Hockey was an escape from her and from my problems. You brought my problems back to the rink when you created this conflict Roxanne. You rehashed old feelings of not being good enough that my mother implanted in my brain from a young age. So you might not have had your parents, but at least you weren’t bombarded with horrible words every single day, and you weren’t the reason your family was hanging by a thread to stay together. You weren’t the one that cause daily problems at home because you weren’t good enough. And yeah, maybe Sean didn’t rape me so to speak. But you don’t know what he did to me. I agreed, but when I backtracked, he didn’t stop. I begged, pleaded, but he didn’t stop. He took my virginity and he took it ruthlessly. I was sore for weeks because of his relentlessness. And it’s affected my relationship with Sidney because I was afraid that he was going to hurt me too. And he stalked me last year. Do you know what its like, going somewhere and fearing that he’s around the corner, ready to spring and take you away from everyone you love? You’ve never had to live with that fear, have you? So maybe I’ve done wrong by misjudging you Roxanne McGregor, but you’re not exactly an angel in this situation either. You can’t put all the blame on me for this.” Erika’s response hit me home like mine probably did with hers. It was just as beautifully orchestrated as mine…but one part at the very end made me feel angry on the inside.
“Erika, I wasn’t putting all blame on you. I know I’m not the perfect angel myself. I’m anything but and I know that. I have flaws and I have issues myself. But you pointed out well that…I have nothing to say when it comes to who has the better life. We just don’t know do we? But I have to say one good thing, about how I never had to live with such fear of my ex. Do you have any idea what abusiveness does to you? You live in fear 24/7 of your life. The rest of your life. When he came back, it scared the shit out of me. I thought he was going to take me back. He still was able to beat the fuck out of me. He raped me too…I didn’t want to give my virginity to him the second week of dating but he forced me to comply. He beat it out of me. I know how you feel about the relentlessness. It hurts not only physically…but it hurts mentally.” I pointed to my head. “Especially when your aggressor gets away with it all and is still at large and you now have no way of locking him away.” I watched as Erika’s eyes softened and her fists unwinding.
“Believe me, I’m still waiting for Sean to give me a reason to send him to jail…maybe we just got off on the wrong foot. I don’t want to hate you, Roxanne. I just felt like it was an obligation. I wasn’t ready to have someone else with me. I was always one of the guys, but I was the only girl that was one of the guys. Me and girls, we just don’t mix, and we never have. So I guess I just felt like I had to hate you for that reason… I don’t know, sometimes I’m not logical at all.” I felt my anger slowly fizzle away at the softness of her voice and chuckled a little at the ending.
“No one is when their under tremendous stress. Look at me, I do some irrational shit too.” I held up my arm and pointed to the scars. “I wanted to be friends with you Erika Harper, like every other hockey chick out there in the world. You’re an amazing person, but when you rejected me I got pissed. I was sick of rejection and hatred from other people that I lashed out too cause I wanted it to stop.” Erika ran a hand through her hair.
“Yeah, I really fucked up my reputation with you, didn’t I? It must have been such a let down when I got all defensive… especially when you had the best intensions. I’m sorry I ever did that, and I really would like to be friends too… I don’t like having so many enemies. I’ve dealt with that enough in the past.” Erika gave me a genuine smile. “Friends?” Her smiled healed all the anger, frustration, and sadness still within me. I held out my hand.
“Friends for sure Erika, I know it will do us and our friends good.” Erika swatted my hand away and pulled me in for a hug. I obliged and hugged her back, feeling great inside. Hugs made everything better, they really do.
“I think you’re right about that. But wait… what happened with Tuukka? I mean that’s what started this whole argument.” I loosened the hug and sighed, sitting down on the bed.
“Got into another fight, he’s mostly frustrated with what I’ve been doing with myself and then over the stress of him possibly being…traded.” Erika nodded her head as she listened to me about.
“Yeah… I’m sure that’s stressful. I mean shit, I’m always separated from Sidney but I think it would be worse if we were together then had to rip apart. Have you guys talked about it? It always helps to talk it out.” I blinked.
“Well, we tried but yeah…we sort of exploded on each other.” I rubbed my head. “Yeah, that’s a good way to put it. You know Erika, it’s funny how we both have the two extremes of relationships. You’re in a long distance one while I’m with my own boyfriend together 24/7.” Erika laughed.
“Yeah, but its clear the problems with both kinds of relationships. You guys will work it out, you always do. You should go find him now that you both have cooled down.” I sighed.
“Yeah probably should, but I have all day to do that. Shit, I don’t know where to look first. Shit, feels so weird now that we’ve settled our shit out…” I had a small ADD moment right there.
“I know, its weird. I mean after my constant love fest it’s a little less so. Anyways, we should head back. I’m still hungry and I still need to see the guys.” I stood up.
“Agreed, I need to eat a shit load too, need to go to Tuukka with a full stomach to put that stress off his shoulders. Poor guy…all the shit I’ve put him through.” I followed her as we left the room and walked back down toward the lobby.
“Eh, we all sacrifice for our loved ones. God knows what Sidney’s dealt with when it comes to me.”
“I’m glad you guys haven’t split, despite being rival captains you’re a really cute couple from what I’ve seen.” I gave her a smile. “Doesn’t it feel great to have a guy like that in your life?”
“Oh man, sometimes I wonder what I’ve done to deserve a boy like that one. I’m so happy that I found him, even if he is a filthy Penguin.” She said seriously. I put an arm around her shoulder.
“I hear you, I think the same about Tuuk. It helps that he’s on my team too, dating an ally of mine.” I said jokingly, giving her wink in a response to her Penguin comment. “But in all honesty, look at all the shit you’ve had to deal with. Both you and I have dealt with shitty men and shitty circumstances. We deserve to have luck like this now.”
“Amen brother!” She agreed, laughing and slinging her arm around me too as we burst through the doors. “So true though, so true!” All heads turned in time to see us laughing with arms around each other.
“GUYS!” I cried, getting the whole room to pay attention. “Guess what? We’re no longer on a truce!”
“Oh shit.” Tyler stated.
“Shut up Seguin, let me finish!” I said. “Instead, we’re actually friends.”
“You better not be lying.” Timmy said seriously as Team Canada both looked at us with the same bewildered expression. Everyone else couldn’t seem to figure out if we were serious or not.
“We’re not!” Erika defended. “WE’RE FRIENDSSSSS!” Everyone was looking at her like she was nuts.
“Not just because you got laid?” Duchene asked.
“No Matt, not just because I got laid.” I piped up.
“Really Duchene, neither of us have had anything in the past…shit, how long?” I pondered.
“This morning.” Erika answered.
“Roxy, please keep pondering, I really don’t need to know you and Rask’s sex life. I’m better off with out it. And I really don’t like knowing Harper’s either.” Chara snapped.
“AGREED!” Marchand piped in.
“Oh stop complaining Shrimp.” I snapped at him.
“Well I’m glad!” Backstrom exclaimed. “I didn’t really ever hate you that much.” He said to me.
“NICKY! Way to be a sellout! Thanks for placating me that whole time!” Erika stuck her tongue out at him. “Now that this is settled, let us all have a nice breakfast before the game!”

*****

Chatting with everyone I was able to make friends with this weekend at breakfast, I was able to put away better memories in my head to overlap the ones needed that needed to be forgotten. The shameful ones that never needed to happen. It was hilarious right now to see Giroux and Marchand to relive World Junior memories; apparently they were together during that. Just as Boychuk’s helicopter started to buzz in front of my face (yeah, my idiot “brothers” brought them), I got a text from someone I was subconsciously wondering about.

Meet outside, I want to talk with you

I quietly excused myself from the group of people consisting of Team Canada, Team Sasha, Giroux, and Erika wondering what Rask was planning on saying.
All I knew was that I was the one who had to apologize.
Stepping outside into the chilly, February air of Raleigh I saw my Finn leaning against the cement wall outside the revolving doors looking sharp in dark jeans and jacket. I felt a stab at my heart at looking at him, thinking about how much I loved him.
And how much I was hurting him.
I stopped from walking over a little and he turned to see me, pushing himself away from the wall and approached me.
“Roxy-” I put my fingers to his mouth.
“Tuukka…don’t speak. You have nothing to say. It’s all me.” I bit my lip and paused for a moment. “Tuukka…you’re the most amazing guy I’ve met. You might not like to hear it but you’re like Steven brought back to me. You’ve done so much for me and you’re so sweet and caring to me. You smile makes me go weak and your eyes are just fucking gorgeous. Not to mention you are a fantastic goalie. Don’t listen to the asshole haters and doubt yourself. Your talent is there and always shows up and not everyone can win a game. It’s not about winning that makes a goalie or a team the best in the league. It’s about the players and how well they play and what it takes for them to get where they are. You, Tuukka Rask, have come such a long way and have done so much for not only the Bruins…but for me.” I stepped back a little. “I’m so…so…so…sorry for making you stressed out, make you frustrated with me. I don’t’ want to do that, I love you, but I do it unknowingly and it kills me.” I sniffed a little before looking at the ground. “I don’t deserve you.” I whispered. My tears completely leaked out of my eyes and dropped to the pavement.
“Roxy…” Tuukka said softly and I felt a hand pull my face up and an arm snake around my waist. “Don’t punish yourself like that. If your thinking I’m going to break up with you, you’re overreacting. I’m not even close to even possibly doing that because you’re too amazing to let go. You’re crazy MassHole attitude is just too freaking hot to let go.” He threw a smile at me as I blushed dark. He kissed me at that before continuing. “Fights happen in relationships. We see each other a lot and we’re bound to snap at some point. We’re both just frustrated and confused and found each other the best outlets apparently. But what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and as long as I can still wake up to your red-hair and green eyes every morning, the fight means nothing. He flashed me one of his knee buckling smiles and kissed my forehead. “Look, we’re not in Boston, we wont be instantly recognized so let’s wander the city and go get food like a normal couple, forget that we play hockey, forget about the world. I haven’t had that chance with you…” I felt tears pick the corner of my eyes.
“Tuukka Rask, I swear to God, if you keep melting my heart there won’t be much left of me!” I joked, both of us chuckling and me sniffling a bit. Tuuk sighed and bushed the tears that started to drip down my face.
“Kaikki laittaa hymyä naamasi.” I tilted my head to the side. Yeah, that was downside of dating a foreigner, they sometimes broke out in their native language. But…shit, it was so god damn sweet at the same time. “Anything to put your smile back on your face…” Tuuk translated, leaning down and kissing me again. He then took my arm and together we went walking down the sidewalk of Raleigh, me leaning my head on his shoulder.

*****

I didn’t really care for seeing the game, walking around the city with my boyfriend like a normal freaking couple healing our fight was better off then going to cheer on my new friends in the stadium. This was better off for long term and they had to understand, I knew Erika would. The one thing that really plagued me as I walked around the streets though was the thought of Jake just coming out of nowhere despite having Tuukka with me.
That’s when the idea hit me.
When I was able to get back to the hotel later that night and said goodnight to Tuuk (not staying him was very hard to resist but I had to), I called up Erika, wondering how she would feel about this. Calling the woman up, I felt relief that she actually answered her phone.
“Hello?” I heard her ask.
“Erika, its Roxy. I just had an idea that I need to talk to you about concerning the spawns of Satan. AKA, our exs.”
“Oh shit… and what would that be?” Erika asked.
“We’re friends with Giroux now. I don’t know what the fuck Jake is doing and where he is and also, you have extreme worries about what Sean could be up to. Giroux could be our double freaking agent. Him and Briere both. Briere warned me about Sean being sketchy earlier in the season…remind me to find him an thank him for that too.”
“Shit, you’re right…gotta love Danny. Such a genuine guy. But with Claude, I think we need to tell him. I mean he’s got to know something is up, especially since he’s hanging around Briere all the time. I think we should tell him everything.” I smiled.
“Glad you agree, come to my room, you know where it is right? Come to it and we’ll figure out how to attack Giroux and get him to listen to us.”
"Alright, I'm on my way."
“Great. See you soon.” I hung up the phone and collapsed onto my bed, head spinning around. I reached over and grabbed the bag of Doritos I got. Ever sicne my appetite came back I had a craving for this junk food that tasted so goddamn good but killed your nutrition.
I felt like a freaking college student with the munchies.
I heard a knock on the door and I quickly ran over and opened it, licking the heavily processed, probably-could-kill-a-grown-cow-before-chemically-made-safe cheese off my fingers to see Erika at the door.
"Bitch, give me some Doritos!" Erika cried, lunging into the room and grabbing some of the junk food.
“NOO! NOT MY FOOD!” I cried, tackling Erika over the bed to release her grip on my bag. “I need that shit!”
“You are so greedy! Would it kill you to share a couple?” She asked in annoyance, still trying to get the bag from me.
“Actually yeah, it could.” I stated before stopping. “What the fuck, whatever, take as many as you want.” Before sitting cross legged on the bed and sighed with my face in my hand thinking about how I stopped eating for a good couple of weeks.
“Ok, way to make me feel like a bitch.” Erika laughed, grabbing a chip. “Anyway, back on topic. We gotta find Giroux. Like now.”
“Yeah, don’t feel like a bitch. It’s whatever now. But yeah! Giroux, you know of any possible way to call the blonde Flyer who has so sneakily stole our friendship with his adorableness?”
“Well, I’ve got and idea of where to start.” Erika stated, jumping off the bed and moving toward the door. She opened the door and I saw a sight of said blondie and nearly had to die inside.
How convenient.
I jumped out into the hall.
“GIROUX!” I cried down the hallway, causing the curly blonde haired Flyer in his tracks at my cries. “Come here!” I commanded. Claude came walking over.
“What do you guys need?”
“To tell you something. And let you in on a secret. And ask you for help. A lot of shit. Just come here.” Erika grabbed him by his collar and dragged him into my room.
“Shit, if you two were not single I would have assumed that you were trying to rape me!” He exclaimed.
“Shut up, you egocentric asshole! This is serious.” Erika ordered.
“Yeah, sorry Claude but you are not getting any of this.” I pointed at my body. “Only Tuukka can.” Giroux blinked.
“I wasn’t even thinking about it.”
“Bullshit, you’re a man.” I said back.
“SO TRUE!” Erika groaned. “I would know from experience!” Giroux raised an eyebrow at her. “Shut up. Back on track. We have a serious issue to discuss. I think you should sit down.” Pushing him down on the bed, his eyes widened as the two of us stood over him with our arms crossed.
“Are you sure you’re not going to rape me?” He asked innocently.
“Claude! Give it up!”
“You’re lucky your Claude Giroux and on our good side and not Spiderhands Kaner or you would be so beaten down you would be begging for death. Seriously. I think his life goal now is to score a three way with me and Harper, the sick bastard.” I said with a serious expression, grimacing at the last part. “But what we need to discuss deals with Sean and Jake.”
“Ok I’m only letting that statement go because we have serious shit to discuss, but also because you called Kaner Spiderhands.” Erika commented, chuckling at the last part. “Listen Giroux, I don’t know if Danny has ever told you anything while you’re bromancing it up at the house, but we have a serious issue. And their names are Sean Morrison and Jake Ramos.”
“Roxy just said that.” Grioux stated.
“Yes, I did, and if we still hated each other I would have punched her. But we don’t so I’m going to let it slide.” I said, not bothering to see what Erika’s facial response was. “But look, Jake Ramos is my ex-boyfriend as you know and he’s…fucked up. Just like Sean.”
“How so?” Giroux asked.
“Uhhh…” I pondered.
“Lets just say he’s not opposed to forcing himself on women. Clear?” Erika said bluntly, I flushed a little at that and rubbed my face.
“Oh… shit…” Giroux said slowly.
“Yeah. I know he’s been hanging around Philly with Sean. Don’t know where he came from or why, but the two of them are up to something, I can smell it.” Erika hissed.
“Ok, might as well be blunt to. Yeah, Jake abused me and raped me in college. There, got it out, BUT DO NOT REPEAT IT!” I cried, shaking Giroux’s shoulders and causing him to shrink back a little.
“I feel so scared!” He whined.
“Sorry, but yeah, he’s a sick, twisted bastard and so is Sean. Look. We need to have you keep an eye on him with Briere. The two of you need to sniff out any suspicious activity in the Wells Fargo Center.” I commanded, still feeling a bit exposed at the fact I told another person about what happened to me in college.
“Yeah. Sean didn’t necessarily rape me, but he’s been causing havoc around here for a year now. Danny’s really trustworthy, and I think you are too.” Erika told Claude
“Sean never seemed like that bad of a guy… except for that whore of a girlfriend he has…” Giroux mused.
“Well he’s horrible. And I don’t wanna fuck up your team chemistry—scratch that, I do. But you’re special and we want you on our side, get it?” I chuckled at what Erika said.
“Yeah, we want you to help us cause I feel like you can. Can we trust you Giroux?” I asked. Giroux nodded.
“Yeah…you can trust. But I’m a bit stunned. How is Jake still walking around free? Shouldn’t he be locked up?” I sighed.
“It’s cause I let him go and all evidence is gone. End of story.” Giroux chewed his lip.
“I’m going to have a tough time acting normal in Philly now.”
“Ask Danny, he’s been pretty good at it hasn’t he?” Erika wondered.
“Well yeah… I had no idea he was being a spy for you.” Giroux replied.
“Yeah… has been since November. No big deal. He’ll teach you the ways of STEALTHINESS!” Erika shouted, throwing her hands in the air.
“Yeah, Briere can be a better teacher in stealthiness then this girl here.” I stated, watching Erika’s jump in joy.
“HEY! I’m stealthy when I wanna be!” Erika defended. “Whatever. Thanks so much for doing this Giroux. We can’t thank you enough, really.” She said, placing a hand on his shoulder. I place another hand on his other shoulder.
“Really, this is going to help put us at ease.”
“No problem guys, your really cool chicks, glad to have gotten to know you better.”
“You too Giroux. Now it’s time to rape you.”
“WHAT!?” I died laughing.
“Group hug. I’m feeling a group hug! “ Erika cried. “Come here!” Erika threw her arms around us and I started laughing as we all stood together in a giant pile of love as Giroux started grumbling.
“Hugs make everything better!”
“Can I butt in here? Actually, I have a right to, cause this is my room, what the hell kind of orgy is going on here?” We all turned to see Skinner standing in the doorway.
“Skinner, you’re too young and innocent to know what orgies are!” I cried.
“They’re actually raping me.” Giroux stated bluntly.
“Its not rape if you LIIIIIKE it!” Erika roared with laughter. “C’mere Bieber, come get some LOOOOOOVE!” She reached out and grabbed the young boys arm, dragging him in and throwing him next to Giroux so they could grumble in misery together.
“Come on, I’m having a movie night in my room. The guys will be showing up soon. All you are coming too!” Erika exclaimed, dragging us toward the door. I piped up.
“Oh! I’m grabbing Team Canada for this too! And Seguin and Timmy. And Lucic and Krejci. AND TUUKKA!” I let go and skipped to the door. “Fine by you right!?”
“YOU KNOW IT! You know where my room is! Grab ‘em and meet us there! As for you Giroux and Skinner, WE OFF! See you in a bit!” I waved to Erika as she dragged poor Skinner and Giroux off to go and snatch other poor NHL souls like I was about to do.
Damn…what is happening this week!