Drop The Puck, It's Time To Go

“And the tyrants fell again! HOORAH!” Tyler cried out in glee leaping and fist pumping the air in triumph as we all clambered into the locker room after a 2-1 win of the Flyers. My heart again, wasn’t in the win though for Tuukka was still silent to me and Giroux’s hurt and embarrassed face just dug into my heart the entire game.

Sean’s little self-satisfied smirk helped nothing.

“Thank god for Thomas!” Ference exclaimed, grabbing the grinning guy in a giant hug, everyone following suit. Man hugs, they were priceless.
“Thank god for Marchand and Horton as well!” I called out, pointing to the two forwards.
“It’s nothing new with Horton.” Lucic said, the locker room nodding heads in agreement. “But Marchand on the other hand…”
“Finally I’m appreciated!” The guy cried out instantly lost in the sea of all the other guys crushing him in another hug.

I laughed at the scene, peeling my sweaty equipment off of me, eyes drifting to Tuukka. Our eyes met but neither of us smiled, still reminiscent of the fight we had gotten into before the Rangers game. It was the longest silence we had gone through and it needed to end now.
“You did a crazy ass job as well, you.” I was met with a chokehold from none other then Johnny Boychuk himself.
“ACK! Thanks!” I choked out.
“You’re welcome. Now are you going to tell me what has made you look like your about to collapse into hysterics and cause a huge scene that the media gobbles up?”

I turned slowly and stared up at the grinning Boychuk, my glare not fazing his cheer.
“If I wasn’t tired your ass would on the ground.”
“And I would scream rape!”
“And no one would help you.” I threw my dirty clothes into the hamper and looked around to notice that Tuukka was MIA and I sighed in agony.
“You look like you need a therapy session…seriously.” Boychuk stated, turning and grabbing the back of the t-shirt of an unexpecting Marchand.

“ACK!” He cried out. “What is that for!?”
“To grab your attention. Go get Bergeron and tell him we have a Micky Therapy Session tonight.”
“Boychuuuuuk.” I hissed.
“By the sounds of it I think we have a Micky tranquilizing session.” Marchand said, indicating my glare.
“If she flips, it’ll most likely be you so we’re safe.”
“Oh thanks asshole.”

I sighed and went to getting the rest of my equipment off.
“Guys, there is no reason to be alarm.” I stated, ripping a sock off my foot that smelt so bad it could have been used as a WMD, Weapon of Mass Destruction.
“Dear god! Your sock smells worse then mine!” Boychuk stated, making exaggerating gagging noises and I flung the sock at him, causing him to stumble back so fast, he knocked into Kaberle and like a domino effect, half the Bruins fell to the ground.

“Smoooooooooth.” I stated as the group of grumbling, swearing guys got off the floor.

*****

“Everything is fine.”
“Bullshit, as your adoptive father I know something is wrong.”
“Recchi, I’m fine!”
“More ice cream?”
“NO MARCHAND!”
“French fries?”
“Okay, fine Bergy.” Bergeron slid the plate of French fries across the booth to me and I stuffed one of them in my mouth, chewing with angst. Marchand timidly stuffed a spoonful of chocolate ice cream into his mouth after my outburst at him.

There were about ten of us total squashed into a booth at Boston Beer Works back home, a place we haven’t been to in a long, long time. Ben, being a hard worker as ever, was servicing out table and keeping at bay unwanted attention. He was join us soon enough though, for he could see the frustration in my face.

“Alright, so let’s get down to business. Roxanne. Spill your guts. Now.” Krejci stated, stabbing the tabletop with his finger. I looked over at the Czech. “Don’t give me that look you.”
“Roxy, there is not reason to be freaking silent okay? You don’t hide your feelings that well.” Lucic stated before looking back at the table to grab his beer, confused expression on his face. “Fuck, which beer is mine?”
“Not the one with the straw, that is poor, little underage Seguin’s root beer.” Boychuk stated, poking at the glass filled with ice and dark liquid in front of Seguin.

“Nothing wrong with root beer. At least it has the word ‘beer’ in it! Let me try and somewhat be apart of this social gathering?” Seguin defended, pulling his soda closer to him.
“America is strange when it comes to their drinking age.” Kaberle commented. “And people for the matter.” Me and Tim Thomas both slowly looked over at the Czech defensemen. “Do give me those looks, you’re outnumbered by foreigners at this table.”

“Alright guys, enough! Not the point of being here! The point is we all know our friend overhear is not in the game at all and we need to fix that if we want to go to the finals.” Recchi stated, putting a comforting hand on my shoulder as I gave him a weak smile.
“It’s Erika isn’t it?” Tyler asked.
“Nah, I think its all the news about her being suicidal.” Krejci said to Tyler.
“That or the fans are giving her shit.” Lucic stated, then looking at Roxy. “Are the fans giving you shit? If so, ignore their asses.”
“Nice Lucic.” Kabby said.
“What? It’s good advice.”
“You got in a fight with Rask.” Thomas stated matter-of-factly. “I know.”

I sighed in aggravation.
“Guys, if this is what you call a ‘therapy session’ consider yourselves fired.”
“Roxxxxyyyyy.” Bergeron and Boychuk both whined. “We want to help!”

Eighteen pairs of eyes were what stared me down, waiting for me open my mouth and start talking.

“Alright, fine, I’ll vent.”
“Should I flag down your brother for this?” Bergeron asked. I shook my head.
“No, I can tell him later.”
“Too late! I need to flag him down for more French fries anyways.”
“BERGERON!” I snapped.

My brother finally came over, ripping off his work apron and collapsing into the booth next to Kabby.
“Fetch your own French fries Bergeron, I’m finally done with work.”
“Dammit Ben! You let me down!”
“And I was hoping for ice cream.” Boychuk stated. “Marchand refused to share.”
“I was hoping to get more cause you ATE half of mine when I went to the bathroom!” Marchand snapped back.
“You honestly think I wasn’t going to snag some?”

“Okay Roxy, please tell me why you and your game has been so off?” Ben asked, ignoring the bickering over food and staring me down. I sighed.
“I’ll finally vent now.” All the guys finally shut up as I began to vent out what had been troubling my head. Everything from with Erika, the suicide scandal, to the fight with Tuukka and how I hated dragging him down with all of this as well. After my vent, I allowed my head to rest on the table.
“I think Roxy is clearly the guinea pig in finding out why you should not date within the team. Even Harper was smart with that.” Lucic stated, receiving a glare from Recchi, Thomas, and Kaberle. “What?”

“Thanks for the support Milan. Thaaaanks.” I grumbled into the table.
“No problem!”
“I think bringing him along was a bad idea.” Krejci stated.
“Yeah, but you two are as connected at the hip as our goalies are. He was bound to come.” Recchi said.
“Hey, its not a bad thing that our goalies are close.” Bergeron said, pointing at Recchi. “It could be worse, they would hate each other.”
“Yeah, but that is not the issue here!” Ben cut in, ceasing the chatter. “The problem is, is that I’m hear to help heal my sister’s distress. Not listen to you bicker about bromances.”

That got a small laugh out of me, lifting my head up from the table.

“Now Roxy, do you have any idea who has insight to all your private issues that could be feeding the media?” Ben asked. “I’m going to address this first cause Harper is in her own shit right now and that goalie from Finland can wait too.”
“You don’t like him, do you?” Timmy asked, head in his hands and staring at Ben intently.
“Uh oh, the Tank is moving in to defend his fellow Brother of the Net.” Marchand stated, leaning into the table, Tyler following suit. “This could get interesting. We all know you don’t mess with Tim freaking Thomas.”

“Marchand, shut it.” Everyone said.
“I hate you all.”
“I don’t Thomas, really, I do like Rask. Of all the guys Roxy has dated he’s by far the best one out of all of them.”
“Easily beats Jake.” Marchand growled.
“By a long shot.” Ben growled as well, the two of them giving each other glares meant for one man. “But c’mon, I am still her brother and overly protective.”
“You can get that right.”

“Oh the shit I could say that could get Ben pissed…” Lucic muttered. I glared the Canadian down.
“…Anyways.” Ben stated, eyeing Lucic suspiciously. “Roxy, who else knew about Super Skills besides the Bruins?”
“Yeah, Erika and Kane.” I mumbled back into the table.
“Kane? As in Patrick Kane?” Ben said slowly.
“The one and only.” Thomas stated.
“Oh wonderful, the one who has the most loose tongue in the world knew!” Ben said exasperatedly.

“Loose tongue? As in, someone who would easily ramble off shit that shouldn’t be rambled off?” Kaberle added in.
“Erika ensured that Kane would keep his mouth shut and she’s true to her word.” Thomas said. “I know she wouldn’t have said anything.”
“I don’t know Timmy. She’s been angry and we know she is highly irrational when she’s angry.” I added in, looking at the senior Bruins goaltender.
“Even in extreme anger, she wouldn’t do that.” Tim said seriously, staring me down.

“It just leaves Patrick Kane.” Ben said. “The damn kid gets drunk nearly every weekend and when you’re drunk all rationality just blows out the window and your mouth goes on autopilot.” My hands balled into fists as I envisioned the business about my instability tumbling out of the careless Kane’s mouth like he was discussing the weather. Shit like this never bodes well for a player, for a team, for a franchise. I was tarnishing the Bruins name with this.

“Depression is a selfish disease. You do things you’d never think you’d do, and at the time they happen you’re never thinking about the people who love you. That’s the problem. I can see it in you; you have a strong will. But you have to use that will, push yourself to stay strong under pressure.”

The words that Erika spoke to me so long ago after the end of Super Skills when she found me alone on the ice ran through my mind.
“Roxy looks like she’s about to kill something.” Kaberle commented.
“Yeah, Kane.” Bergeron said.
“And what convenient timing too.” I said. “We play them tomorrow.”
“Yeah, the Blackhawks will have a death on their hands.”

*****

I stared into my mailbox at the small envelope sitting in the box and nearly screamed “FINALLY” to everyone walking past going about their business. I grabbed the envelope and carefully opened it, peeking inside to make sure everything was there.

Yup.

Two thin tickets that meant everything. Sure, Tuukka and I had the fight and had yet to make up but now I had an excuse and the courage to go up to our apartment, dropkick the door open, scream I’M SORRY nearly five hundred times, and then throw him his very belated birthday present that TOOK TOO DAMN LONG TO GET HERE.

Slamming the mailbox close I ran to the staircase and ran all the way to our floors. I had too much ice cream at BBW, needed to work it off! I finally managed to reach my apartment door and barged right in scaring the living daylights out of Finnegan, his claws scraping the floor like crazy trying to get away from me as fast as possible.
“Finny, you dumb cat, it’s just me!” Finnegan just stared at me from under the coffee table, his short legs completely covered up by his body.

“Are you yelling at the cat?” Tuukka came around the corner, looking down and plucking shit off his Metallica shirt he was wearing.
“Yeah, because the silly thing darted the minute I came into view.” I quickly forsake the cat under the coffee table though and walked over to Tuukka. “What are you doing?”
“Picking cat fur off the shirt. Damn thing discovered that my shirt draw was open and made himself at home on my shirt.” He then began to walk away and I quickly walked over to him, touching his arm.
“Tuukka, can I talk with you? Please?” Tuukka shrugged my hand off of his arm.
“Depends.”

I pushed the hurt inside at Tuukka not wanting me to touch him.
“Babe, please listen to me, okay? I’m sorry I blew up on you, really.”
“You say it all the time Roxy.” I sighed in annoyance.
“I mean it this time Tuuk.” I grabbed him and forced him to turn and look at me.

“I always fucking mean it! I know I do dumb shit and it kills me inside at how I can’t learn from my goddamn mistakes. I’m not perfect but you know what? Every time I see your hurt face it eats at me because you're my whole heart and I can’t throw that away with my selfishness so please don’t walk away from me. Because if you walk away from me I might not heal, if you stay I will heal. Heal for you. So that the smile I see every morning comes back and isn’t forced. I will get help for myself for you.” I placed a hand of his face. “Can you please be the one stable thing in my life? The strength I need to get the help I need for myself? I promise you I wont drag you down anymore…please believe me.”

Tuukka slowly took my hand off his face and held it in his.

“You do do dumb shit Roxy, it’s a fact. But sometimes it feels as if your throwing the love I give you away like it means nothing to you. It hurts. A lot. I want to know for sure that I wake up with you every morning. Ever since I knew you had depression I’ve had the horrible, nagging fear that one morning I’ll wake up and find you dead.” He dropped my hand and walked past me. “I want to be the one stable thing in your life, but how can I be stable when the path our relationship is going down is as unstable as the bricks in Faneuil Hall? If you can’t fix yourself, I don’t know how long I can be here for you.”

I felt as if my heart was being grabbed and squeezed hard by an ice cold fist.
“You want to break up with me?” I whispered, needing to know the truth but at the same time wishing not to hear the answer for I feared it.
“I don’t want to Roxy…but maybe we need a break until you’ve fixed yourself. It already feels like we’re on a break.” I felt a lump forming in my throat and my hand letting go of the envelope, letting it drop to the floor.

A break…it didn’t mean separating forever. But it still hurt, hurt so badly. Look at what your stupidity is fucking doing Roxanne, look at what it is doing!

“Please don’t walk away…” I whispered.
“I’ve been asking that of you since All-Star Weekend Roxanne.” Tuukka said seriously, looking at the envelope on the floor then at my face seeing the pooling of tears in my eyes. “While it may feel like I’m going cold, you have been too. Saying you care about my feeling but your actions prove otherwise.” I started to shake, trying to hold back the tears. I quickly turned and grabbed my jacket and bolted for the door, trying not to look at Tuukka so he could see the tears in my eyes. “Roxanne, wait, where are you going?” Tuukka called out, seeing to be coming after me. I quickly got outside and shut the door on him.

“Away from here.” I choked out.

*****

Idiot.
Fool.
Bastard.
Heartless.

That and more were going through Tuukka’s head right now as he punched the door hard with his fist. He had done something irrational and upset Roxanne so badly he didn’t know what it would do to her. He had said the worst shit you could ever say to an unstable girl.

Tearing himself from the door he stormed back into the living room to find Finnegan crouched in front of the envelope Roxanne dropped, paw out and batting it around. Scooping up the envelope, Finny meowed pathetically, irritated that his toy was just taken from him.

Dumping out the contents from the envelope, Tuukka stared down at two tickets for September 14th at Yankee Stadium. They were concert tickets to the Big Four: Metalllica, Megadeth, Anthrax, and Slayer. Without her here to explain it, he knew who it was for and what.

It was his birthday gift from her.

Tuukka collapsed on the couch and let the tickets slid from his hand onto the coffee table. “What have I done?” He muttered, letting his hands cover his face so that not even the empty apartment couldn't see the tears coming out of his eyes.

*****

“BEN!” I burst into the apartment, bawling. “Ben, you have to be here!” Ben came tearing around a corner, completely alarmed.
“Roxanne! What’s wrong!? What’s happened!?” I just crumpled to the floor.
“Ben, I don’t know what to do! Tuukka wants a break! I’m afraid of losing him! What have I done? What have I [i[done?” I just curled into a ball, my brother on the floor before me scared out of his mind and trying to unravel everything.
“What do you mean sister? What did Rask do? What the fuck is happening?”

I finally choked out what was wrong and that was when I noticed my mom standing there, looking down at me as if she wanted to pull me into a hug.
“That goddamn goalie…he’ll come to his senses Roxy.” Ben pulled me off the floor. “I’ll be right back, talk with mom.”
“I don’t want to!” I snapped, my Mom’s face falling a little at that.
“Just do okay? It might do some good!” Ben said sternly before walking away.

“Roxanne…” Mom whispered. “Can we please let the past go?” I sniffed, rubbing the tears out of my eyes.
“How can I when the future looks too unstable?” Mom came forward and pulled me into her chest.
“That’s life dear, the future always looks nerve wracking and scary when you sit in wallowing misery of the past. I did just that. I did that all those years ago and it got me nowhere but with a broken home and a broken family.” Mom pulled me from her chest and wiped the tears off my cheek. “I was a terrible mother these past few years and all I want to do now is to make up for what I did and be the mother that every daughter needs when going through this stage of life.”

I sighed and looked at the floor, head spinning.

“Mom…”
“Roxy, I know how much I hurt you. I know I did the worst thing imaginable to you and I’m part of the reason for your depression and it kills me. But can I please make right what was wrong? Can I please have a second chance to show you that I can be something stable in your life? Everyone needs family, especially you. The world misses a McGregor family get together. One where there is smiles and laughter.” I started to shake as fresh tears began to pour out of my eyes.

My uncertainty was insane, I didn’t know what to think or feel, if I should forgive or not. Was this how Tuukka was feeling? Is this the sort of place I had been sticking him in? I burst down into fresh tears and ran and hugged my mother.

Hugged her with the acceptance and love that I never had been able to do in the past two years.
“Please be telling the truth Mom. I don’t want to have another heartbreak.”
“I promise with my life Roxanne. I promise with my life.”

*****

“Roxy, where are you going?” Boychuk called out as I stomped to the doors of the locker room. I had been walking around what felt like a dream since everything yesterday. Everytime I saw Tuukka In the locker room I wanted to just punch whatever was near me. It was mostly Marchand and that would not bode well.

One person who did deserve a beating though was sitting in a locker room on the other side of the TD.

“Talking to someone who needs an earful on what he’s done.” I snapped.
“Are you talking about Kane? Shit, Roxy! Don’t kill him!” Bergeron joked. I just glared at him before stomping out of the room. Anger, it was never something good to have. It was poisonous and tainted locker room moral. I sense I was about to do some crazy ass shit tonight and didn’t care one bit.

I got to the away locker room and shoved it open hard, causing the whole room filled with the Chicago Blackhawks to cease their chatter and stare at me. I pointed and glared at one in particular.
“You stupid mother fucker.” I hissed. “Why the hell did you spill my personal issues to the fucking MEDIA!?” Kane’s cheerful smile quickly faded and his eyes went large.
“Whoa, Roxy, calm down there hun-” I quickly cut the blonde off.
“Don’t call me that!” I snapped. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the fact that someone was calling me “hun” but it just tore at my heart for it was always something Tuukka would tell me.

“I’m sorry Roxy! Really! I didn’t mean to tell! I just partied a little too hard!” Kane shrugged with an apologetic smile. “Can you forgive me?”
“Forgive you!? Forgive you!?” I screeched.
“Dear god, I thought Erika on a rampage was bad, but this is topping it!” I heard Brian Campbell say to Patrick Sharp.
“I trusted you with that secret! Erika made you stay silent! This wasn’t something you could go blabbing about to anyone! THAT. WAS. PERSONAL! Now I have the entire NHL breathing down my back waiting for me to do something drastic and every time I pick something up they think I’m going to kill myself with it! And now my boyfriend is pissed off and wanting a break cause of all this shit!”

Patrick Kane backed up a little, face pale and scared and looked at Jonathon Toews.
“Help me broooo.” He whispered.
“Help you on this? Nah, you deserve it.” The locker room just exploded with OOOOOHS at this.
“What!? C’mon man, she’s going to kill me!”
“On the ice I will.” I hissed, pointing him down. “You better be careful Patrick Kane. Maybe you’ll finally learn your lesson about being a egotistical, fatheaded, alcoholic!” I stormed from the room ready to get on the ice, leaving a petrified Kane and a whole team whistling slowly at what just happened.

*****

I was a freaking machine on the ice. I had power and I used it to my advantage, many times having to see the inside of a penalty box for my roughness. Kane was going to be bruised badly from all the checks I through at him and before long I was finally able to have an excuse to beat the kid’s ass down.

Kane accidentally tripped me in the third period and I retaliated, turning around and dragging the man to the ground before being thrown towards the locker room.
“Your suspended for the rest of the game!” The ref roared as I stormed away, Coach giving me a look of extreme disappointment. He was the first to come back, face made of stone as he exploded on me.

“What the fuck is up your ass McGregor!? This isn’t like you and you were not representing the Bruins in any good way whatsoever tonight! You were probably the worst player I have ever seen my entire fucking career tonight! Get your shit together and actually be a real fucking professional hockey player or I might just rethink your fucking draft!”

I think that right there hurt me the most and stung me worst then ever. I adored Coach and looked up to him for he was great to us and helped us achieve so much. To have him that disappointed in me was the straw that broke the camel’s back, the tip of the iceberg, the last big hit to my heart.

I ran into the shower room before any of the guys came in, I didn’t want to have to face any of them at all right now. I stood in the shower stall and ripped the clothing off my body, hearing a familiar voice call out my name.
“Roxy? You here?”
“Go away Marchand.” I snapped.
“Roxy, what is wrong, I know you need someone to talk to.”

“I SAID GO AWAY!”

Silence. He must have left and I heard the locker room were talking in low voices, many of them silent as they took their showers. A 3-0 win meant nothing at the moment. Nothing matter anymore. I was a failure, a disgrace, and no one deserved to have me in their life at all. I got into the shower and let the water wash the filthy sweat off my body and pour down the drain, wishing I was going with it.

I was done with it.

Over with it all.

Sick of life, sick of reality, sick of living.

I got out of the shower to hear almost silence in the place, signaling nearly everyone was gone. I put on my gym clothes and exited the stall and just fell to the floor. “So you see...When we're running from our past, 
we're just running in circles. Break your own mirrors, kill the noise, drawing your own thin white lines…”

I grabbed my bag that was near me and pulled out the old pocketknife, something I hadn’t looked at in months, popping it open. “To the world, to all my friends, I love you, I must leave now…” Pain was something I had been able to handle, never truly crying out when I had a major injury. Even though I knew my body was screaming, there felt to be no pain rising my arm as I watched my life pour the main artery from my arm and onto the floor.

What brought me to reality was the scream.

“ROXANNE! NO!”

*Recchi’s POV*

Roxanne still hadn’t emerged from the shower and his fatherly instinct was getting the best of him.

Mark Recchi knew something was, terribly, terribly wrong.

Tim Thomas was still there waiting for Roxy too and so was Marchy, the kid’s face looking hurt and anxious. Recchi quickly went to the showers and stopped dead at the sight of Roxanne slumped on the floor with blood pouring out of her arm, a clear incision along the artery.

“ROXANNE! NO!” He screamed, tearing over to her and dropping down next to her. “Roxanne! Why? Why did you do this? How long have you been like this!? TIM! BRAD!” Mark grabbed Roxanne’s arm and put all the pressure in the world to keep it close as his two teammates tore into the room and stopped dead at the sight. “GET A MEDIC AND CALL 911 NOW!” Tim and Brad quickly darted away as fast as they could.

Roxanne started to struggle.
“Don’t Recchi! Don’t! I don’t want ot fucking live! Don’t make me suffer!”

Recchi was nearly in tears.

“You’ll suffer more if we don’t save you. You’ll suffer. Your family will suffer. We will suffer.”