Reaching You

Three bites into the fish and I was starting to feel sick so I had to stop. “I’m sorry Haven… I can’t… eat anymore.”

My stomach churned a little but eventually quelled. I was just happy that I wasn’t throwing up this time. I was so tired of throwing up by now. I truly wanted to get better.

“Baby steps, Skyler,” Haven said, placing his hands carefully on my shoulders. I froze at his touch. Why did it seem so strange to me now, so nice, comforting even. Haven’s really softened from that first time we met in the bathroom. That sounded weird, actually.

I wonder how many people actually get to see this side of him. No, I can’t start thinking that I’m special. Most likely I’m not. And just that thought made me… actually quite sad…

What if I start liking him? I don’t want to like anyone. I don’t want to be rejected either. I’ll misinterpret his actions and then start thinking he likes me. He probably doesn’t even like guys. I’d end up getting skipped over, tossed aside for a girl. It’d be best if I suppressed any feelings I might have right now. I won’t feel like I’ve been left behind when he chooses someone else.

“Do you want to wait and see if you can eat anymore or should I pack it up for you to take home?” Haven asked, removing his hands from my shoulders and sitting back in his seat.

“I think I can take another bite…,” I said, taking my fork to the fish again.

“You don’t feel pressured, do you?” Haven questioned. I shook my head and bit my lip as I surveyed the meat. The fish was good but... it felt foreign in my mouth and I wasn’t used to it. It upset my stomach because my stomach’s always been empty. Throwing up had turned into a reflex. Like food was a poison, a toxin to be expelled from my body.

I pushed the fork in my mouth, the food staying on my tongue for a few moments before I started chewing it. I let the taste stay on my tongue for a few more seconds before carefully swallowing, trying to hold that flavor. It’s been a long time since I actually tried to enjoy food. I remember a few years ago when food was amazing to me, like I ate so much back then as compared to now.

I was afraid of being fat again. Not that I had to be fat, exactly, but… what if I did and Haven thought of me differently. Though, he did say that people could she through my appearance. I just hoped he was counted amongst those people.

After that bite, I gave up eating because my stomach was starting to churn uncomfortably. Haven began putting the fish in a container for me to take home.

“Thank you,” I said as he handed me the container. I looked down at the package in my hands before saying, “You wouldn’t think of me differently if… I were fat, would you?”

I didn’t want to see his expression. “You’re kidding, right? Skyler, I’ll be friends with you no matter what.”

I felt a smile form and I even let out a chuckle. “That was cheesy.”

“Yeah, and? It’s the truth.”

“Haven, I really appreciate you helping me with this… and you know, for not telling anyone.”

For the second time, his arms wrapped around me. I was only able to put one arm around him because the container was nestled in the other. And I found myself wanting this hug to be more than just friendly.

At the realization of what I wanted, I pulled out of the embrace and told him I needed to get home and muttered another thank you before leaving the house.

Not only did I not repress any feelings I may have gotten for him, but I let them grow. I let them grow so much that I could now legitimately say that I liked him.

And that’s what scared me. I didn’t want to like anyone. I don’t want rejection, and I was pretty sure that’s all I’d get.

I just won’t tell him, I won’t ever tell him. And I’ll just let my feelings fade.