Reaching You

I let the feeling shoot through my veins, the electric pulse. I can’t keep doing this. But I have my grades to worry about. Wasn’t Skyler more important than my grades though? What if he found out I was on speed? What if he stopped hanging out with me? What if he decided he didn’t want to be friends with an addict. I mean, I thought I hid my highs pretty damn well, though. But I don’t want to be high when I’m with Skyler. It’ll be harder to remember what my time with him was like.

I got to work on my books, writing down equations, vocabulary definitions, theorems, etc. Advanced Geometry was going to kick my ass if I didn’t do this. I liked Algebra better. Usually you like one or the other and I liked Algebra better. I wondered which one Skyler liked more…

I shook my head to rid thoughts of him as I was studying. Skyler was a distracting thought and for good reason too. I mean, I’m not precisely physically attracted to skeletons, but Skyler was kind, gentle, and was… just… how should I put it? He… made me happy, as strange as that sounds. Hell, I wanted to quit speed just so I could remember how it was when I was with him. So I could remember what he said, what he did, his expressions.

I was just happy that no women had found out his secret, girls just love to fix things. Even if I were to say that I… liked Skyler… I don’t think that makes me gay, necessarily. I’ve turned down countless girls though, maybe I am gay. Though, it’s not like I’ve just been like, “that guy’s, like, totally hot, oh-em-gee.”

I shivered at that thought. So just what the hell did any of this mean? I do think I like Skyler… it’s not totally out of the question, I know. I just don’t know if I should tell him.

One on hand, if I did tell him I liked him, I could possibly turned down, which is completely foreign to me and I’d lose the one person I really felt like I had a lot in common with. But if he liked me back, and we actually went out, it’d be harder to hide my addiction. So, I don’t think I should tell him until I’ve told him about the speed and after I’ve helped him eat normally again.

*~*~*~*~*

“That was actually really good, Haven. You’re good cook,” Skyler smiled after finishing about half a plate of slow-cooked seasoned chicken.

It’s been about a month since I began helping him with his anorexia. He’s not over it by a long shot, but he’s now able to eat almost a complete meal without throwing up or feeling sick. I mean, if I could just push him a little more… No, I can’t push him, that’d make things worse. I’d feel horrible for doing it too. But damn, I’m so incredibly proud of him.

He’s still so very skinny though, but not like a skeleton. His cheeks have become a little more fleshed out, but that’s about it. I can still see the bumps and lines of bones protruding from his skin.

“Good, glad you liked it,” I told him before taking a seat next to him.

I’d been eating lunch with him and his friends from the day he told me about his eating disorder. I didn’t want him to brave the hurt of seeing the person he loved for four years be with someone else alone. I also had him leave the table sooner than he normally would have so that he didn’t have to be torn between eating and then throwing up, ruining progress we’ve made or not eating and raising suspicion.

“I hope Laine is treating Amanda right. I mean, he was such a manwhore before… I don’t want to see her hurt.” He looked over at me, his eyebrows bent with worry.

I know he just said that because he cares about Amanda as a friend, but I wished he wouldn’t say it like that. It felt like he put her above me, which made sense, but still… I can’t help but feel hurt. I wanted him for myself. God, I’m so selfish, so selfish it made me cringe.

“Yeah,” was all I managed to say.

It made me feel special to know that I was the only one that knew his problems, to be able to help him.

I know I was a horrible person to say that I was glad that Laine had rejected him. I may not have had a chance with Skyler otherwise. But if Laine hadn’t turned him down, he wouldn’t have the eating disorder, most likely. He’d be healthy.

At that thought, I wrapped my arms around Skyler’s ghost of a figure. I was just happy to have him around, but I wanted more than that; I wanted his heart, as well.

I’ll make a deal with myself right now: as soon as he can eat three meals a day and I’ve told him about the speed, or I’ve gotten off of it.