Reaching You

I feel like I’ve gained a million pounds. But here I am, four months later, weighing about one-ninety. Every once in a while, I’ll feel really fat and then Haven reassures me that I look great. It’s strange to get compliments like that. He says I look healthy and not like a skeleton.

Perhaps I’ll always worry about my appearance, maybe that’s the way I’m programmed. But Haven’s been with me every step of the way. He helped me rediscover that food was good and enjoyable. I was sure as hell a lot happier now than I have been for a couple years.

Haven and I have spent so much time together but with that time, I let my feelings grow. I know I can’t tell him, but it’s nice to wish he liked me too. Though, I was beyond happy when I found that we were going to the same college. We even planned to live together while we were in college.

He and I were having a party to celebrate my weight gain and my induction back to normalcy. As soon as we got to my room, he unsheathed a gift-wrapped item from his coat pocket.

“I have cupcakes in the bag,” he said, pointing to the bag he was holding.

As much as I wanted to say, You didn’t have to get me anything, it’s enough just to have you here, I couldn’t. That’d be way too obvious of an outlet of my feelings.

“You know, I probably wouldn’t have gotten better if we hadn’t met,” I told him, smiling.

He chuckled. “Yeah, I’m just glad to see that you’re not longer a skeleton.”

“All thanks to you,” I told him, giggling a little. But I was completely serious. I wouldn’t have gotten better if Haven hadn’t been there.

He handed me a chocolate cupcake. I happily bit into it. Thanks to Haven I now remember how great sweets are.

“Skyler…?” Haven called out to me, seeming like he was hesitating. I turned to him, giving my attention to what he was saying. He was looking away, like he was ashamed. What could he possibly be ashamed of? He’s helped me so much in the past couple of months. I feel like the atmosphere of the room shifted when I looked at him.

“I know this little party is about you but I couldn’t find any other time to tell you. But I needed to tell you first because, well, you’re my best friend. You know things about me that no one else does.”

There was such a fear on my shoulders now, I was terrified. It sounded like it was something really bad. What if he found a girlfriend and I was the first person he wanted to tell? What if he was moving? Whatever it was, I didn’t want it to distance us.

“Skyler… I… for a few years now, I’ve been on speed,” he said, cringing away from me like I was going to hit him. “I know it’s stupid, but… it kept me awake, let me do the homework I needed to do, let me study the entire night. I’ve been taking it less and less but… the fact of the matter is that I still do it at all and that’s… what I was afraid of telling you.”

“You’re… on drugs…?” I said in utter disbelief. My previous fears were dispelled and then replaced with a new panic.

“You know how my dad just… dismisses my papers like he does?”

“I… always thought that was really strange. You get such good grades too,” I said, trying not to ask him a million questions. I wasn’t mad at him. Maybe this is what he felt like when I told him about Laine and my eating disorder.

“I wanted to be good enough to fill the void that Mom left. I tried so damn hard to make him proud of me. Taking AP classes, getting high grades. I mean, hell, I’m graduating as Valedictorian, I don’t know what the hell else he wants!”

“I’m not going to Harvard, I know, but… that’s because I want to get off this shit. And I’m afraid that when I do, I won’t be able to handle the work because I can’t stay up all night studying. That’s why I’ve never invited you over on the weekends. That’s when I crash; I’m asleep nearly all weekend.”

“I… how much have you been doing?” I asked, trying to get him to look at me.

“I really cut down after we became friends. I didn’t want to be high when I was with you. I took just enough in the morning and a tinier dose at night to stay awake. I wanted to help you with your problem before I told you about mine.”

“So you’re not high now?” I questioned, looking at his eyes.

“No, I haven’t been high around you for a long time.”

That made my heart jump, I know he cared about me, but it was nice to hear that. That I was special enough for him risk withdrawal just so he could be sober around me. I feel like I’m hoping for too much though.

“I’ll help you get over it, I promise,” I said, before wrapped my arms around him. It was strange for me to start the hug, I know, but he hugged back anyways.

“Skyler… that wasn’t the hardest thing to tell you today,” he said. There was more? Was it something worse than speed? “I didn’t want to tell you until I told you about the speed.”

“The truth is, I’m scared to death of your reaction,” Haven said. He pulled away a little bit. “Skyler, I… Ugh… this is weird. So not used to this. Ilikeyou, there I said it.”

He said it almost too fast for my mind to comprehend. But… what? He… likes me? Okay, God, joke’s over, you can wake me up from the hellish dream anytime now.

I don’t know how long I gawked at him like he was an alien but then he finally said, “Okay, you probably don’t like me back, that’s fine, I just… thought I needed to tell you. I want us to still be friends though, okay?”

It seemed like I finally gained control over my mouth again and said, “No! No, you just… surprised me. No one… has really ever said they liked me and… I just… I didn’t know how to react.”

It was strange, foreign to hear someone say that to me. It was beyond me that someone could like me.

“I like you too…” I barely managed to get out.

Do I finally get my happy ending? Do I really get to be with the person I like? Despite my body, despite my imperfections, he still wants to be with me? He still likes me? He really wants to be with just me…

Then he showed me this huge smile before leaning in. And it such a strange feeling, seeing someone coming that close to your face if you’ve never experienced it before. But then his lips touched mine, making my cheeks hot. It made me feel not so alone. Just feeling that warmth, is this what it felt like to be loved? To be special?