Reaching You

For half of our summer, Skyler and I were busy moving things into our new apartment near our college. My father was paying for all of it, as he agreed when we’d reconciled. My withdrawal symptoms had nearly disappeared as speed was replaced with the new drug in my life, Skyler.

It’s remarkable that we’ve been together all this time. But I still feel like since I haven’t said I love him yet, that he may leave any day. I know that’s not true, because he said I could take as long as I needed. I think since I stopped doing speed, memories and hurtful things my mother had done just came to the surface. Before, it wouldn’t have mattered, but now, it’s a whole new pain. Skyler’s been incredibly supportive through the whole thing though, so I don’t want to say those three words until I’m certain they are completely true.

I pulled Skyler into me so we could stare happily at our apartment. It was just the way we wanted it. It was strange to call a place our own. I guess college really is a different experience, and I haven’t even started yet. Skyler wrapped his arm around my waist and leaned his head against mine. I kissed his head and then took his hand.

He quickly let go, though, and looked away. “Um… I… don’t be mad.”

Instantly I turned him around to face me and put my hands on his shoulders. I was terrified that he was going to say something catastrophic, something that would ruin life we’ve built. “What?”

“I found your mother.”

I froze, almost not sure of what I’d heard.

“Please don’t be mad! I… just want you guys to talk,” he said quietly, his voice breaking slightly. I hated that he was stepping in here, but I see what he was trying to do.

“I… don’t know what to say. You shouldn’t have done this Skyler,” I told him, my voice just a little too firm.

“I’m sorry,” he squeaked. He looked down and it seemed like he was going to cry. I didn’t mean to do this. But I needed to let him know he… kind of overstepped his boundaries. I didn’t, however, want this to cause some stupid rift between us.

“No, it’s fine, just… I understand why you did it, but I’m just… not ready. I can’t talk to the woman that abandoned me. She probably doesn’t even remember me. Or if she does, she won’t want to talk to me.” I sat down on the couch we obtained from a rummage sale.

“There’s more…,” he whispered. “I… talked to her. She says she does want to talk to you.” He was biting his lip, looking terrified and ashamed.

“I don’t know what to say Skyler. I can’t meet her. I don’t want to,” I said that last sentence roughly, which he flinched at.

“Okay…” he whispered.

“I’m going to go lay down,” I growled before turning down the small hallways and into our room. I felt bad about making him sad, but he needs to know where I stand on this issue and that he needs to stop pushing.

It was strange to think of the room as our room. But it was. We could share a bed freely now, we could do whatever we wanted here, in our home, together.

I turned over and clutched a pillow to my chest, sighing deeply before falling into sleep.

I didn’t want to see my mother because… I was scared. I was afraid that she’d reject me again, that it would change things. That my relationship with Dad would deteriorate. That everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve wouldn’t be good enough for her, for Dad. If that was understandable. Would I have to hide my relationship with Skyler from her?

I found myself wondering all of these things about what it would be like, imagining conversations we might have. Possibilities. But if I met her, every delusion I’ve ever fed myself about her would halt, and I’d be faced with the truth, or even more lies. I had made her out to be this horrible monster of a person; what if I had been wrong this entire time? She must have had reasons. No, what reasons could she have for leaving her husband and her young son unexpectedly, and for another man.

I felt the bed shift, waking me up. I groaned and looked up, seeing Skyler’s dark form at my legs. One could guess what he was thinking as he pulled the covers around me up. He had to have known I was awake and his hands went to work on my pants.

Quickly, I put my hands over his, stopping him from undoing my jeans. “Skyler, what-?”

“I’m sorry,” he squeaked. “I don’t want you to be mad anymore. I want to apologize.”

“And you thought this was the best way?” I raised an eyebrow at him. “Are you taking tips from Amanda?”

He gave a small smile but it quickly disappeared. “I won’t bring up your mother anymore. I’m really sorry.”

I leaned up and pressed my lips to his. “Don’t worry about it.”

I brushed his hair out of his face and left my hand on his cheek. “Now, what exactly were you planning to do?” I chuckled.

It was dark in the room, but I know he was blushing incredibly bad. That’s just how he is. But I don’t want him to do that until I can tell him that I love him.

“Listen… I think… maybe it would be best if… I met with her,” the words were coming out before I could process them. But I knew if I didn’t meet her, I’d always be wondering like I had been earlier.

“Really? You’re not just saying that because I want you to, right?” He asked, biting his lip again.

I pressed my lips against his before whispering, “Yeah, I’m sure.”