Reaching You

I didn’t understand. I seriously loved him and yet he couldn’t even give me a chance? All I really did the next few days was lay around and stare at my computer screen, playing some game.

I should have never told him.

I should have never loved him. But how could I not? He was beautiful and wonderful. I loved his smile, I loved his smooth hands, his dark, coarse hair and his astoundingly bright blue eyes. And those were just his physical traits.

He also had this nonchalant way of caring that made you know he cared without being fake about it. It made it so much more meaningful when he asked if anything was the matter. Not to mention we shared a passion almost all the same games and a lot of anime. Not to mention I was comfortable around him. Well, besides my weight problem. When we talked if was always natural and we understood how the other felt and he had a great sense of humor that always made me laugh.

All I could really think about was being with him, being able to call him mine, loving him openly. All I wanted was a chance.

Being the coward I was, I texted him, Who did you want it to be that liked you? I wasn’t the type to ask directly so I couldn’t very well ask why I was un-dateable.

Can’t tell you. It’ll make things awkward.

Like things could already be anymore awkward. I just wanted to know. I wanted to know who was so much better than me. I thought I deserved at least that.

April? I’ll set you up with her if you really want. Okay, I didn’t send that. I want him to be happy, I know that much. But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t let her just win. Though, perhaps I was hoping that maybe it’d make me seem selfless and as the more caring person. The one that’s obviously better than anyone else for him.

But, instead I just asked if it was April.

Well, she’s hot, so I guess I’d go out with her if she liked me.

I almost couldn’t keep texting after that. Like I was getting my heart broken again. It was my appearance. I knew it.

It didn’t matter how smart I was or how nice I was, or funny I was. I just needed to be skinny and have a nice face.

For the next while after that I couldn’t stand it when she talked to him, when anyone talked to him. I was jealous, way too jealous. I couldn’t help it. I felt like I was entitled to having him that he was more mine than anyone else’s. That I was the best for him.

But that quickly went away as I ended my feelings for good. This happened every time. I’d like someone and then get rejected whenever I worked up the nerve. And being in love with my best friend for years and then not even getting a chance killed me.

I was tired of it. I didn’t want to be rejected anymore so I just… quit.

*~*~*~*~*

“Hey, love, how are you?” Amanda greeted at school. She looked just as cheery as ever. Senior year has really made her shine. She used to be a total outcast until senior year. Then people noticed how amazing she really was.

“I just have a final in AP Bio, otherwise I’m fine,” I told her. We walked to the only class we had together, AP English.

I really immersed myself in schoolwork since Sophomore year. I took the hardest classes I could just so that I could distract myself for any romantic longings I could possibly have. I didn’t need those kind of feelings weighing me down. The only time I’d really loved anyone it wasn’t good enough because I was fat.

I shook my head quickly to rid myself of the thought. “Sky, baby, you’re so skinny. What’s your secret?”

“You say this everyday. I’m not skinny and I never will be, remember?” I said, chuckling, like it was no big deal. But I knew it was true. I wasn’t skinny, I never would be.

She pouted. “Fine, don’t tell me!” She stuck her tongue out at me.

Later at the cafeteria, I sat next to Amanda… and across from Laine. He glanced up at me and started talking to both of us.

I know it seems like everything’s the same. But it’s not. Laine and I aren’t best friends anymore. I know it’s my fault. I started the rift and now I can’t seem to mend it because I always remember the scars that were caused by my own feelings.

But it’s fine. I won’t fall for someone again and put them in that position.

I ate the peanut butter and jelly sandwich on my plate and then the ice cream. After that, I froze as I realized what I was doing. I suddenly felt sick.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” I told Amanda before getting up and putting away my lunch tray. In the bathroom, I locked myself in a stall and bent over the toilet, emptying my stomach. This was the norm. I always got sick after I ate and did this.

“Go to the nurse’s office and do that,” I heard from above me. I quickly looked up at where the voice had come from, my eyes wild and horrorstruck. What if he knew this was what I was doing after lunch everyday? Would he tell the school? The fat kid throws up his lunch everyday.

I stared at him, my terrified gaze staying with him until he scoffed and left the bathroom.

I don’t want anyone to know this horrible secret.