Reaching You

“I’m just glad I can’t see your ribs through your clothes anymore,” I chuckled, poking Skyler in the side after he got out of the bathroom from getting dressed. He squeaked and jumped backwards, away from the offending finger.

Even though we were living on our own together, he still didn’t like me to watch him get dressed or undressed. He was so self conscience. It was cute, in a way, but what if we ever wanted to… do more? And, quite honestly, I’m a man; he can’t expect me to resist him forever.

I pulled my jacket over my body before wrapping my arms around him from behind. I kissed his neck before nuzzling it and smiling as he shivered at the touch. But I let go of him unwillingly. Perhaps I could’ve started something at that moment, but I knew I shouldn’t. We had to go see my dad.

I had to apologize for the drugs, tell him I’d seen Mom. I saw what the drugs had done to her and Dad just… didn’t want the same thing to happen to me. I don’t know what Mom was on, but it had to be something heavy, like meth, or heroine. I’m not saying speed wasn’t heavy, because it was. It made me do unnatural things, like stay up for days on end, I’d hallucinate every once in a while. But I quit. I ended the drug’s reign on me. All thanks to Skyler and my own willpower.

Mother would always be a slave to the drugs; she would always looking for her next fix, never having a job or a fulfilled life. I would. So it didn’t matter what she could have said to us.

“I love you, Skyler,” I said. It felt quite foreign on my tongue. But if also felt right and amazing and beautiful. I couldn’t describe it. Years of not saying that to anyone had a great effect on me. I wasn’t even able to say it to Skyler for months. It was my mother’s fault. She took away my father for quite awhile and she made me unable to tell Skyler I loved him. It was because of her I wasn’t able to lead a normal life. I blocked people off from me because I didn’t want to be left alone again.

And I had done all of that without even noticing. I let everything, everyone, slip past me. Except for school work. It kept everyone else out, everyone away, it barricaded me in.

Now I have a fairly good relationship with my father, I have a boyfriend that I love, my own place to live, and I’m starting college in a week. I made something of myself and it was all without my mother’s help. In fact, I may have even grown up more resentful of my parents if she had stayed.

“I love you, too,” he said, smiling, his eyes crinkling and his teeth showing. I bet Skyler was quite happy too. He had someone who loved him unconditionally, who didn’t care about his appearance (even though I found him to be quite cute), and he also had the comfort that Laine could never give him.

I kissed him, just a quick mingling of breath, our lips barely touching. I just wanted him to know and understand that he was beautiful. He never deserved what he went through. What he deserved was a chance to be with the person he loved. But… even so, if he had gotten together with Laine, would we even be dating right now? Would we love each other like we do now? Probably so. I felt like that’s how it would happen, no matter what.

I climbed into the driver’s seat of our car and shifted into gear.

“So, what’s with the sudden road trip?” Skyler chuckled, smiling over at me.

“I have to apologize to my dad. For the drugs, for cutting him off, for… being the anti-social dick I was,” I told him, giving a soft laugh.

“You were only a little anti-social! Okay, a lot…” he admitted before laughing.

“Damn right,” I said, a smile spreading across my face. But it quickly vanished as a question came to my mind. “How long were you trying to find my mom?”

Skyler looked down at his hands and messed with the hem of his shirt. “Umm… awhile… why?”

“And… she just contacted you a few days ago?” I asked.

Skyler nodded carefully. I slumped back in my seat. A few days ago, her boyfriend, or whatever, left her out on the streets. She really only did want a place to live. Not just to meet the son she left behind, not to rekindle a family bond between mother and son.

“I really thought she had good intentions,” Skyler said, as if reading my mind as he put his hand over mine. His tone was almost apologetic.

“It’s fine Skyler. I kind of figured it would be like that,” I told him, shrugging. It actually didn’t feel like a big deal to me now. “I suppose I always figured my mother would be a failure. But there was some part of me that didn’t want that. However, she did leave my father and he makes quite a bit of money.”

Skyler laughed a bit at that. “I’m just happy you’re okay,” he whispered into my ear before pressing a kiss to my temple.

We pulled into my father’s driveway before I put it in park and walked up to his door. I didn’t know if I should knock or not… I mean, it wasn’t my house anymore, but it was still my father who lived here.

I knocked anyways, just to be sure. The door opened a minute later. “Haven? Why didn’t you just walk in? I could barely hear the knocking from upstairs.”

He chuckled a bit. It was strange to see that because I always thought my dad was a hardass who couldn’t smile. I was really beginning to see him in a new light. Perhaps it was because I was out of high school and he didn’t have my grades to press me about. That, and I was off the speed now.

“I… met with Mom,” I told him, just cutting straight to the point.

His smile disappeared and his face fell before he invited us in. Perhaps he could tell that this was going to be a long talk.

“How… how is Elise?” He asked carefully, as if avoiding verbal landmines.

“Well, she’s… she’s coked up, or whatever drug she’s on…” I said, shrugging.

“I… never really wanted you to see her,” he sighed, placing his hands on the counter.

“Well… I just… why did she leave you?” I questioned, just putting it out there bluntly.

“Elise and I were married well before she started doing meth. But, quite a while after she had you, she developed symptoms of PTSD. She didn’t want to do anything anymore and she would sleep quite a bit.” Dad looked down, guiltily, at the floor. As if it were his fault. “One night, I arranged for her to go out with some of her friends. At the nightclub they went to, they convinced her to try some cocaine.”

“Cocaine? I thought you said she was on meth?”

“She was doing cocaine… for a time. And then she found that she could make meth out of basically anything we used to clean. I kicked her out when she tried to convince me to let her cook meth, goddamn meth, in our house where we were raising a toddler.”

“You told me she left though,” I said.

“She may as well have. She already had someone else to pay for her meth since I never gave her the money,” he told me.

“I feel like such a horrible son,” I mumbled. “I should’ve never done speed. And I’m sorry I put you through that. You must have felt like you’d lose me, too.”

I almost felt like crying. My dad was to incredibly strong, and he stayed strong because of me. He raised me all by himself.

“But you quit. And you’re a good kid. I always afraid that I would mess you up like I messed up Elise.”

“You think that was your fault?” I said boldly, standing up. “She chose it. She knew the risks.”

“The guilt won’t go away that easily. I know it was her fault, but the blame is shared. But I’m glad I feel like I truly have a son again.”

He rose up to hug me. I, too, wrapped my arms around him and pulled Skyler, who gave a small yelp, in as well.

It was nice to have reconciled completely with my dad. I felt like I had family, a complete, whole family again.