Reaching You

As soon as I got home, I slept. Slept straight past dinner. The temptation to eat was still there, but I couldn’t give in.

I don’t want to be fat anymore. I thought as a pang of pain made its way through my chest. I don’t want to be hurt again.

*~*~*~*~*

”What do you mean you’ve been throwing up your food everyday?!” Someone yelled at me. “That’s so gross!”

“Your teeth are gonna fall out, then you’ll be fat and toothless,” someone else said. All I could see were shapes and distortions of shadows. These weren’t real people; they couldn’t be. Please don’t let them be.

“I’m glad I didn’t date you,” I heard the voice I’d recognize out of any crowd. I didn’t want to look up. Facing the rejection again was too much. I didn’t want it. I can’t do it. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.

But I did. Straight into the face of Laine. His disapproving stare bore into me. I couldn’t look away. Like watching a train wreck it was fascinating how quickly all his thoughts could be told to me from his eyes. That I was too ugly for him, too fat, too untalented.

The truth, I wasn’t good enough.

*~*~*~*~*

I woke up in a cold sweat, for good reason. A few tears made their way down my face. It hurt, it hurt a lot.

I know I put an end to those feelings but it still hurts to know that I was unwanted– unloved- by the only person I’ve wanted this badly.

It’s not like I haven’t liked anyone before I have… just… not this long or this much.

I know throwing up isn’t good. But it’s only every once in a while. I swear. I clutched at my hair, pulling on the locks, shaking.

I just want to be skinny, I just want to be good-looking, passable. Anything. That’s all.

I’m so disgusting…

*~*~*~*~*

“Please… please don’t tell any of my friends,” I pleaded to the boy who’d seen me throw up yesterday. My dream had scared me that badly. What would Amanda say if she knew? She’d scold me, definitely. I don’t want that. I don’t want to possible lose or even distance myself from my best friend.

He made a strange face at me, like it was the weirdest thing he’s ever been asked. “Don’t tell them that you got sick?”

I froze, shock overtaking my face. That’s what he thought it was. Then a new fear took over. What if he told now, what if he held it over my head?

“O-Oh yeah… th-that,” I stuttered, trying to lie. I pleaded with everything I had that he wouldn’t find out. But I felt the color in my face giving me away and I trying to walk away. But he grabbed me, halting me.

“Wait, what are you talking about?” He almost kind of sounded concerned. It had to be a lie with the way he was looking at me. He was looking at me like I was disgusting. He’d probably found out already.

“Nothing, it’s nothing,” I tried to tell him. I just wanted out.

“Fine, what-the-fuck-ever. I don’t give a damn what you do,” he growled, letting go and sighing.

I ran off to my next class and took my seat next to Amanda.

“Hello love! I missed you!” She squealed, hugging me. “Where’d you run off to? I thought you took a little long in the bathroom but I couldn’t follow you because of my ‘woman parts’.”

She chuckled before we got into our group to finish a project.

I don’t want to lose another best friend because of my stupidity. I can’t.

So I just hoped and prayed that that guy wouldn’t tell anyone.