Reaching You

I talked to Kiley who was walking with me ahead of Laine, who had his head down and he was quiet. We were just trying to get to the next class we all had together. She was one of the people that I had told what happened between Laine and I. It was only a few weeks after I’d told Laine so the wounds were still new.

And I put on a brave face as I fell back to say hi to Laine. Our first one-on-one talk since I’d told him. And then he just brushed past me, only sparing me a quick glance before proceeding to ignore me. My heart felt like it’d been ripped right out.

Then I let logic take hold. My best friend wouldn’t just start ignoring me after four years, would he? I mean, I know telling him was a mistake, but did I really have to sacrifice our friendship as well? Is that how he felt? Either way, I let myself banish those thoughts and let myself think that maybe he was just tired. He was like that when he was tired sometimes too.

But when I sat down, he started talking to his friend next to him, just laughing and joking around. Was it just me? Was he truly ignoring me? I looked over at Kiley and she immediately picked up on what I was thinking.

But I somehow worked up the nerve to say, “Why are you ignoring me?”

And then he just rolled his eyes at me. And that was it. I knew he was ignoring me. I wanted to cry, really badly. It was like my heart was being crushed not only by the rejection but by the fact that he was also ignoring me, throwing away our friendship.

My feelings were just a joke to him. That was all. I was nothing but a joke to him. I seriously loved him and he cared almost nothing about me. He was the only person who made me really feel special when he complimented me or said anything nice. Like when he said I’d had a nice singing voice or when he said I could draw well.

“What the hell is his problem? What a dick,” Kiley said.

*~*~*~*~*

As soon as I woke up, I felt sick. Did I even eat anything to throw up? God, I felt so fat now, just remembering that. It’s better now. We’re better than we were then when it was awkward. It doesn’t keep me from remembering how much I was hurt or remembering the rejection. I got up and made my way to the bathroom and retched into the toilet.

I remembered exactly how I felt. Hurt and confused and unloved. It had all burned into my memory so deeply, scarring my brain. Laine was the last of anyone I’d like. I couldn’t face the humiliation and rejection of being unloved – romantically – that is.

After I finished throwing up, I brought my legs up to my chest and tried to rub some warmth into them because of the cold linoleum flooring.

I’m just a little afraid of going back to sleep. I’m afraid to have the vivid dreams of my memories.

Either way, that guy, Haven, is coming over with Laine so we can get the writing done then hand over the designing to Amanda.

*~*~*~*~*

“Well, we need to make this unbiased,” Haven stated as he began typing out the first few paragraphs on my computer. I sat kind of awkwardly next to Laine. I let my eyes search his face, which was staring at the computer screen, to see if he was uncomfortable.

He appeared to be okay with me around so I relaxed a little. Laine’s phone went off as soon as he corrected a typo for Haven.

“Yeah?” He paused. “Right now? Christ, Kate, we were just together yesterday.”

What I could hear over the phone was, “Please, baby?”

My heart froze at that. Though, I suppose it was only natural. He didn’t like me, and Kate was a pretty, skinny girl. But I was more bothered by the fact that he hadn’t told me yet.

Did he think it would be awkward or something? Yeah, probably.

“You guys mind if I take off? This girl wants to see me. I’ll do the editing tomorrow, just e-mail it to me.”

“Yeah… that’s fine. Just… don’t forget,” I told him.

And then he left and it felt like all the awkwardness left with him. Haven was silent as he typed, most likely focusing.

Then he suddenly spun around and faced me. “Why did you guys put me in your group?”

I stared, wide-eyed at him. I didn’t expect a question like that. “Well… it was mostly Amanda’s idea. We needed a fourth person and she saw you and thought it was a good choice. Laine was a little against it but… um… I was okay with it.”

“Why?” He looked at me with dead-seriousness.

“Why what?” I squeaked.

“Why were you okay with it?” His dark eye bore into mine, waiting for the answer.

“Well… I don’t know. For normal reasons…? Because we needed another person and you were the only person without a group. What kind of question is that?”

He sighed, deeply, his eyebrow furrowing. “I don’t know. Sorry for... whatever. I’m just tired. And don’t take that sorry lightly. I almost never say that.”

I gave a tiny, tiny smile at that. I guess he’s okay, even if he is kind of audacious in his actions.