One Sexy Mother ***er

I didn't have anyone i could talk to, go to for comfort, it was just me and all the people who pretend to be my friends for the fame and money. But i guess it was kind of my own fault really. After i got back, i pushed everyone away. I was broken, in many ways. Mentally from the lack of my meds, physically from the booze and drugs i had been drowning myself in, and most of all, my heart was broken.

Not long after my return to Cali, I was hanging out with the same old group of 'friends' again. Just two days after i got back though, tragedy struck if you could call it that really. Sasha over dosed on whatever drug was in with the group. I wasn't actually aware of what i was putting in my body around then.

Things went downhill from there. Asher killed himself when he got extremely drunk after her funeral, driving his car, with Fillie and the other group member Jess in the car, into a river.

I was completely alone after that. I literally didn't have anyone. I was poor as shit, and basically homeless. I played guitar on street corners during the day, and then worked them at night for money. One day while i was playing and singing on some random corner, a man approached me.

A week later I was in a studio working with a rapper who wanted me to do backing vocals for his new song. That was the start of my music career. I started making my own album soon after with all the party songs i had written years before. It wasn't what i wanted, but its what the media wanted.

~~

I stumbled back into my high class apartment, dropping my shoes as i walked over to massive reptile tank i had for Draco, setting him inside before i went into my room. I collapsed onto my bed in tears, letting out all of the pent up emotion i had from years of holing in my pain and longing.

Seeing Bam last night, how good he looked and how happy he seemed, it was torture for me. He was doing just fine without me, and i was a total wreak all the time. Sure to everyone around me i looked fine, and happy, but as soon as i was alone, thats when my real self came out.

I just wish i knew what he was doing....

BAM

Last night, that girl, the drunk fall over girl, she reminded me so much of her. It was stupid, and I was just getting myself set up for pain and even more longing. I wanted her back so much. Back in my arms, so i could hold her and protect her again. I needed her back with me. I can play it off most of the time. Hold things in. But it hurts.

Every night i have these dreams, dreams where i find her again. But i know that all they are, are dreams.

She's gone.

No one knows where she is.