Crushed

My boyfriend’s death had been etched into my mind. It was all I could think about, all that I could concentrate on. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep; I couldn’t function. I went through the motions of everyday life, faking a smile for my parents and peers. None of them cared enough to delve deeper, to inquire, to ask me if I was all right. Of course, I wasn’t. How could I be, after seeing the only boy I ever loved pushed in front of a train? How could I push past the guilt, knowing that I should have been the one shoved in front of a freight train? How could I live, when Demetri was so hopelessly lifeless now?

I couldn’t live without him, and I don’t mean that in the way that most young girls do. I wasn’t just a little sad that he was gone. I ached with every fiber of my being for him. Each cell in my body, every inch of skin, every last hair follicle, my fingertips, every last piece of me ached for Demetri. I could not live. My heart would not beat without him. To live while he slept beneath the frost-covered ground was more than the sickest of tortures.

I was slowly killing myself.

A soft knock whispered at my bedroom door. I could perfectly picture mother on the opposite side, her hands curled in fists around her dress, her wispy brown hair pulled up in a lopsided ponytail, and her makeup haphazardly done as usual.

“Aspen?” Her tone was gentle, like fingertips brushing through the hair of a loved one. She waited patiently for me to answer, but when I didn’t, couldn’t, Mother opened the door and stepped carefully inside my room.

“Aspen,” she tried again, moving across the room and seating herself at the end of my bed. I was curled up at the head, my fingers clenched tightly around the teddy bear Demetri had given me for Valentine’s Day earlier in the year. “It’s Christmas, sweetheart. Your brothers and sisters want you to come open presents with them.”

I shook my head before she had even finished her plea. Christmas had been Demetri and my favorite of the holidays. When he had passed away a few days ago, I had vowed never to celebrate Christmas again. Not without him, not as long as I lived. If I was honest with myself, I knew that I wouldn’t live much longer. There was only one thing left I had to do before I could be with him. I planned to complete the task before it was dark, and then I would do it. I would kill myself.

I wasn’t scared. That split second of physical pain would come as a relief; it couldn’t hurt nearly as much as living without Demetri.

“Okay.”

Mother stood up and walked out of the room, making sure to shut the door behind her. Her voice carried from the living room, where she explained to the little ones that “Aspen was too sad” to enjoy Christmas presents right now, and “maybe she’ll feel better soon.” My mother was so brave for trying. She was the only reason I hadn’t already killed myself.

I forced myself to sit up, my body aching with the pain of absence. I reached for a pen and a piece of notebook paper, and I quickly wrote down the words I had been planning for hours. When I was finished, I folded up the letter and slipped it into an envelope, leaving it in my place on the bed. I slipped off the mattress, pulling on a yellow dress over my naked body. I wouldn’t have bothered, but I knew that if anyone saw me, naked out in the snow, they would stop and ask questions. I didn’t want questions. I just wanted that calm, coldness of death. Death and my Demetri would take me hand in hand tonight.

I climbed out the window, landing feet first on the newly fallen snow. Sharp, wicked cold bit at my bare feet, but I ignored it, walking instead toward the train tracks behind my house.

I wouldn’t have to wait long. A schedule hung up at the train station, telling me the exact time when the next train would pass through. Six o’clock through Danterbery, the schedule read. The clock above me read that it was just five minutes ‘til.

I stepped onto the tracks, waiting patiently until I felt them start to rumble. The train was finally approaching with my death. A serene smile crossed my face as the train came into view, its bright light shining through the dark. The moment before the train struck, I held out my hand to Demetri. Our fingers twined together, and, hands clasped, we passed on into the next life.