My Way Home is Through You

I walked along the wet sidewalk, my shoes making a squishing sound every time I took a step. The air smelled of rain and it was quite cool outside. I wrapped Gerard’s jacket around me tighter. I was a few houses away from mine and I was dreading every step I took. I don’t know if I could handle hearing my father’s words.

I told Gerard that he should stay home and that I could walk back to my own house by myself. I immediately regretted saying that to him when I walked out the door, but I needed to show Gerard that I was strong. I needed to show him that I could take care of myself, as much as I wanted to depend on him all the time.

I stopped at the walkway to my front porch; I wanted to turn around and run back to Gerard’s house and just have him hold me in his arms. But I knew that if I waited any longer I would regret not trying to make it up to my dad. I didn’t want to be upset with him forever. I sure didn’t want him to be upset with me. I slowly made my way up to the porch and lifted my legs to go up the few steps. I grabbed the screen door handle and pulled it open.

My stomach jumped up into my throat as I pushed open the other door and entered the house. I could hear my parent’s voices and I saw my mother pass by the opening to the kitchen. I heaved in a breath and kicked off my shoes. My bare feet met the fuzzy carpet and it didn’t feel right, not like I felt at the Way house. Ever inch of my body ached to just run back, but instead I forced myself to move forward to the kitchen.

I don’t think they heard me so I stopped at the corner and just listened. My father let out a frustrated sigh and I heard a cup of some sort being placed on the table. “Here just drink up, I’m sure she’ll be home soon.” My mom’s voice floated out of her mouth casually. I was pretty sure she knew where I went and that I would be fine.

“It’s not like her to just run off like that. She didn’t even leave a note.” My father said, I could hear the fatigue in his voice. He must have been up all night, for a moment guilt rushed over me. I over reacted, I blew everything out of proportion, I should of just listened to my dad. But I soon regained my composure and I tried to listen again.

“I’m almost positive she went to Gerard’s and I know you are too, she is seventeen years old. We can’t keep babying her forever.” My mother’s voice was still calm; no worry seemed to be present.

Before my dad was able to reply back I knocked softly on the wall and pulled my body forward so that it was in plain view. My mother smiled apologetically at me, while my father’s eyes adverted from mine to the coffee mug in his hands.

“I just wanted to say I was sorry.” I said while still standing awkwardly in the doorway. The feeling of being home was swept away and I was just in a house once again. I felt like collapsing to the floor and begging for forgiveness, for disobeying my father. But then I thought about it more and realized that I didn’t do anything that required forgiveness. This was just all a misunderstood situation. It could be easily cleared up with some discussion.

My mother got up from the seat she was in at the table and walked over to the kitchen and grabbed another mug and filling it with tea she had previously made, she knew I didn’t like the bitter taste of coffee. She returned to the table and placed the mug in front of my seat. My father finally looked up from his mug and pointed to my seat, demanding that I sit down.

I reluctantly walked over to the seat and pulled back the chair and sat down in it gently. I wrapped my hands around the mug of tea, hoping that the heat radiating through my hands would spread through out my body and take away the chill I had received from the damp weather outside. I could hear the rain pounding against the side of the house now, and the monotonous ticking of the clock on the wall. My father finally looked up from his coffee.

“I’m disappointed in you, Mackenzie.” He said. My stomach twisted in knots as he said this. I don’t think I was going to get let off that easily. “Running off like that late at night, your mother and I were worried about you.” I looked over at my mom and she was taking a sip of her tea. Her eyes caught mine for just a second but quickly looked away; I don’t think she wanted to be a part of this conversation at all.

“Now I already told you that I don’t think Gerard is a good person for you to be around, and I’m sticking by that statement still. Your mother and I have decided that you are allowed to see Gerard at school and that’s it.” He stated simply but the tone he used to say this was full of power and arrogance. “That means there will be no homework sessions, or going over to the Way house. I’ve laid down some rules.” He took a drink of his coffee and placed his mug back on the kitchen table.

I was biting my tongue so hard to the point I thought I was drawing blood; the tears that were building behind my eyes were ready to spill at any moment. But I wouldn’t let them fall. I had to stay strong.

“You are to come home right after school, and I want to see all your homework. You can not go and see the guys, and you are also grounded from the phone.” He paused again, took another drink of coffee and began talking once more. “And Mackenzie, if you break these rules, the other consequences are worse. Don’t make me not trust you.” He said. I could tell he finally broke I saw the guilt in his eyes for just a minute. But I was far to furious to even speak to him.

I pushed the mug away from me and slid the chair back. The tears that were building behind my eyes had started falling and I couldn’t stop them this time. “I can’t believe you!” I snapped. I was not going to be a prisoner in my own house. I was almost eighteen; I could take care of myself. I needed to learn to make my own choices, to have people around me that truly cared about me. I needed Gerard’s warm words and his arms to protect me. I felt as if the world was starting to crash around me.

I ran to the front of the house in hopes that my car keys were in my jacket pocket, I was going to get away from here. I reached into the pocket but my keys weren’t there. I stopped for a moment about to run upstairs to check my room, but I soon heard the faint jiggling of key at the end of the hall. I turned slowly and saw that my father held my set of keys in his hands.

“I was being serious Mackenzie.” He said as he wrapped his fingers around the keys and shoved them into his pants pocket. More tears started to flow from my eyes and I was close to sobbing.

“I hate you!” I managed to yell before I ran up the stairs and into my bedroom. I locked the door behind me and sank to the floor, the sobs started and I could barely breathe.

I don’t understand how my life could go from being near perfect to this. I wanted to run away so bad, but I knew there was no way. I couldn’t even sneak out my window. I wiped at my eyes and looked over at my bedside table for my phone but to my dismay it was already gone.

I realized that there was no escape anywhere. I remembered my father’s warnings, if I break any of his rules the consequences will be much worse. What could be worse than not being able to see the person I needed so badly. I slowly got up from the floor and walked over to my bed, the sheets were still a mess from my last fit. But I didn’t care; I lay down in the bed and pulled the blankets over top of my shivering body. I soon remembered that I had Gerard’s coat on, I pulled the coat closer to my body…it was the only way that I could be close to him right now.

More tears poured from my eyes as I was lying in the bed, a faint knocking came from the door but I was to exhausted to even answer. I waited silently and there were a few more taps. I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to be Gerard; it was just my mother hoping to come in to comfort me. But I didn’t need her right now, nor did I want her. I only wanted one person, the one person that I was being denied.

The knocking at the door stopped and the steps retreated down the hall and I heard a bedroom door shut. I was finally alone again; I needed to process everything that just happened, to make sure that I wasn’t dreaming. I attempted the pinching myself thing; it hurt so I decided that I was awake.

I stared at my ceiling as my stomach began growling loudly, I didn’t even move, I didn’t want to acknowledge it. Tears began pouring down my cheeks again, at this point I thought it was physically impossible that more tears could form but I just proved myself wrong.See, you can never replace me. Remember I’ll always be here.

No, please not again.