My Way Home is Through You

I stormed out of the house after my father had explained why he was home. He wasn’t back to stay, he was only back to sort out a few things with my mother and file for divorce papers. How could I be so blind and not realize he was just an asshole. I crossed my arms over my chest and walked faster in the direction of the Way household. I needed to see Gerard, every muscle in my body ached for him. I turned the corner and walked up the stone path to the porch.

I knocked on the door and waited there until it was pulled open. I could feel the heat from the house brush against the frozen skin of my cheeks; I smiled until I looked up and caught the icy glare from Mikey.

“Is Gerard home?” I asked sheepishly.

“He’s in the basement, what do you want?” he asked harshly as he crossed his arms over himself, probably an attempt to keep warm.

“May I see him; I need to talk to him.” Mikey’s harsh expression softened a bit and opened the door wider so I could walk in. I began pulling off my winter stuff and placed it in the appropriate spots. I felt awkward as Mikey watched me as I did this. I turned and began towards the stairs until I was jerked back by a hand.

“Mackenzie. Please don’t hurt him.” Mikey pleaded, the hand finally loosened around my arm and I nodded slowly.

“I’m not here to hurt him, trust me that’s the last thing I wanted to do.” I turned and walked to the stairs. I pulled open the door but I heard no laughter explode from the depths. I slowly made my way down the stairs not sure what I was going to find. I stepped on the ground floor like there was a million shards of glass spread along the surface. The basement felt a lot colder as I stumbled around the furniture to Gerard’s room.

I stopped momentarily at the door and hesitated as I raised my arm to knock on the door. There were two possible outcomes after this discussion. One, Gerard will forgive me and we could go back to the way things were, or two, Gerard will still be upset with me and… I didn’t want to think of the rest of that sentence. I shook from my thoughts and tapped lightly on the door.

“Mikey, go away.” I heard from the other side of the door. The voice sounded broken; nothing like the happy go lucky voice I was so used to hearing. It broke my heart even more knowing that I had caused that pain for him.

“It’s not mikey,” I said barely above a whisper. I waited outside the door for some sort of reply, soon light flooded from under the crack of the door.

“Come in.” the voice said timidly. I turned the handle slowly and pushed open the door. I stood awkwardly at the door, first I just stared at the floor but soon my eyes began to travel around the room. I noticed the leather jacket hung neatly on the back of a chair and the scrapbook I made was placed on the floor right next to Gerard’s bed that he currently occupied.

Gerard finally motioned for me to shut the door and to come in. I did so and walked over to the side of his bed and sat down gently. I studied his features slightly, from his slightly greasy hair to the horrible black bags that stuck out from underneath his eyes.

“What have I done to you?” I asked as I slowly raised my arm and touched the side of his face. He closed his eyes and leaned into my caress, his hand resting on top of mine. Tears started to form in my eyes. After a minute or so Gerard pulled my hand down and intertwined our fingers.

“I’m sorry for the way I acted.” Gerard’s voice cracked as he said this. He sat up and wrapped his arms around me. I crushed my body against his and wrapped my arms around his neck.

“It’s alright; I know why you acted that way.” I said. Gerard pulled away slightly and stared into my eyes.

“You do?” He asked. Curiosity radiated from his eyes.

“I went for a walk with Benji today,” I started; I could feel his body tense as I said this. “Nothing happened. He just wanted to explain why you both acted strangely.” I waited for his body to relax but it still remained rigid against mine.

“What did he say?” Gerard asked I could feel the wall he was building between us.

“Just that he knew how much I cared for you. He’s going to stop making me feel uncomfortable.” I said. Finally Gerard’s body relaxed and he pulled me back into his arms.

After a little while Gerard had lied down, pulling me with him. The silence in the room was becoming unbearable, I needed to do something. After I was sure Gerard was fast asleep I pulled his arm from my waist and slid to the floor. I glanced around the room, the lamp on the floor was still on, which was a good thing because Gerard had a blanket covering his window not allowing any natural light into his room.

I grabbed the scrapbook from the floor and flipped through the pages again. I sighed when I got to the last page, I really hoped things would continue between Gerard and I. I was finally happy with myself and with my life; I couldn’t bear losing the one thing that made it all happen. I was about to place the scrapbook when I noticed another book. I know I shouldn’t snoop but I was curious, I picked up the book and flipped to last page Gerard had written on.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. Surely Mackenzie will find out sooner or later. I should just tell her, spare her from finding this out from someone else. Maybe it’s a good thing she’s upset with me. It will make this so much easier.
I love her so much but I would never be able to live with myself if she found this out. I wish someone could just tell me what to do.

I had to stop reading there; I didn’t want to find out whatever he was keeping from me through this book. Gerard stirred and I quickly placed the notebook underneath my scrapbook.

“Hey,” Gerard said, breaking the silence his voice seemed so much louder than it was. “What are you doing down there?” he asked casually.

“Nothing much,” I glanced at the clock near Gerard’s head and noticed that it was time for me to leave, my mom still needed help with things for tonight and I’m sure my dad was out of the house by now.

“Do you want to go watch a movie or something?” Gerard asked and he began to run his fingers through my hair. I wanted to pull away and ask him about the secret he was keeping from me, but I knew if he found out that I read his notebook he wouldn’t be to happy. I’m sure it was underneath the scrapbook for a reason.

“I would, but I have to get back home. I need to help my mom finish getting ready for tonight.” I said.

“Oh right,” He leaned over and kissed my cheek, slowly getting closer to my lips. Soon his lips were pressed against mine. I don’t know if it was the fact that I just found out Gerard was keeping something from me, but right now it just didn’t feel right kissing Gerard, like there was something missing. He pulled away and looked into my eyes, could he tell something was wrong?

“I really got to get going Gerard.” I said and got up from the floor. I left the room quickly and ran up the stairs. Once upstairs, I quickly walked over to the foyer and slipped on my winter clothes. It was a relief to be out of the Way house. I thought if I stayed in there one minute more I would crack, the cold air helped me clear my mind. I decided I would wait for Gerard to tell me his secret, good or bad I was going to have to accept it. By the way the words were written it didn’t seem like it was a good thing.

When I got home the hours seemed to fly by as I helped my mom finish preparing for tonight. I concentrated all my thoughts on chopping and stirring, trying to keep my mind off of what I read, and the way Gerard was acting. I couldn’t understand why he was acting so normal, but the words in his journal were so full of stress.

“We did it!” my mom exclaimed as she placed the last tray of goodies in the fridge.

“You did most of the work mom,” I said as I wiped off the counter. We had an hour to get ourselves ready before anyone showed up. My stomach was twisting in knots. I thought going to resolve things with Gerard would make tonight so much easier, but since I was so nosey I had to read that notebook and made it worse.

“I know, but you still helped a little bit.” She smiled and hugged me. “Okay let’s go get ready.”

We both went upstairs and quickly got ready; I decided to wear something much more casual. A pair of skinny jeans, a t-shirt, and a sweater, my hair was still straight from earlier. I walked out of my room and bumped into my mom.

“Why didn’t you change yet?” were the first words out of her mouth.

“I did change,” I said and looked down again at my clothes. I didn’t see anything wrong with them.

“Honey, don’t you have anything else, something more formal?” she started walking into my room and opened my closet door.

“Really mom, I’m not in the mod to dress up tonight, can’t I just stay like this?” she looked at me and then to the closet and sighed in defeat.

“Alright,” she closed the closet door. “I should head downstairs and get everything set up. I’ll call you when people start to get here.” I smiled at her as she left the room.