My Way Home is Through You

Benji and I were pretty much inseparable the night after he stayed. We were finally back in school, a month had passed since all the drama. It still killed me to see Gerard walk around the school. I wanted to run up to him and throw my arms around him and beg him to take me back. I knew I was doing the right thing; I couldn’t stay in that relationship knowing that I was just his rebound girl.

Besides through rumours and gossip, I heard that his Tanya was coming to our school next week anyways. He wouldn’t care about me anymore. I wasn’t the one he had true feelings for anyways. But every time that I saw him in the halls he looked so depressed. My chest ached knowing that I was the one that caused him that pain.

“Mackenzie, is that alright with you?” I looked up from the half eaten yogurt cup I had in my hand.

“Is what alright,” I asked confused. I set the yogurt cup back on the table in front of me and looked into Benji’s beautiful hazel eyes.

“Is it okay if I stay for dinner tonight, my dad is going somewhere and Frank wants nothing to do with me? I won’t really have anyone at home with me,” he grabbed my hand from underneath the table and linked our fingers. Benji and I weren’t officially a couple; there was no way that I could do that to Gerard even though I ended it with him. I just didn’t want people to think that I was using Benji as a rebound and I didn’t want Benji to think that, that would just make me a hypocrite.

“Um, sure, I think my mom has some meeting with her book club tonight. She’s going to be gone too.” My mom decided that she was going to join a book club. She was finally starting to heal from the divorce which would be final in the next few days, and she said that she couldn’t be shacked up forever she had to start getting out more.

“Mackenzie,” someone said harshly behind me. I yanked my hand from Benji’s gripped and turned around to look at who had said my name, it was Mikey.

“Yes?” I said cautiously.

“Here. Gerard wanted me to give this back to you,” he held out the leather jacket I had given him for Christmas along with the scrapbook. A lump started to build in my throat.

“Tell him he can keep the jacket, it was a gift. I’ll take back the scrapbook though.” I gently took the book from Mikey’s hands and hugged it against my chest.

“He also told me to tell you that you can keep the paintings,” I nodded to answer him, afraid that if I did say something the tears that were threatening to fall would come crashing down. Mikey looked at me one more time, pain was evident in his eyes but who was the pain for, me or Gerard? Then he turned around and walked away.

“Can we leave?” I asked Benji just barely above a whisper. He nodded quickly and grabbed both of our trays, he brought them to the trash can and dumped the contents and placed the trays on a shelf. He quickly caught up to me before I even made it to the door. He wrapped his arm around me protectively. I didn’t protest I felt too numb.

“It’s okay Mackenzie, I’m here,” he repeated over and over again as we hurried out of the cafeteria. Once we were in an abandoned hallway I slowed down and collapsed against the wall. The tears that I held in for so long finally broke free and slid down my cheeks.

“I’m stupid!” I cried out and wiped furiously at my eyes.

“No you’re not!” Benji said in protest.

“Yes, I am. If I was smart I wouldn’t have fallen so hard for someone I barely knew!” I dropped the book that I still cradled against my body. “I should have kept to myself like I did for the past three years. I wasn’t setting myself up for heartbreak!”

“You’re a teenager, Mac. Heartbreak is part of the character. Besides, there are way better guys out there for you.” Benji joined me on the floor and took my hand in his.

“Maybe I just wasn’t meant to be happy,” I said and let out an exhausted laugh, I finished wiping away the tears that had spilled.

“Don’t say that, of course you’re meant to be happy, everyone is. We all just have our highs and lows.” I looked at Benji dumbfounded.

“Who died and made you Mr. Guru?” I asked and leaned my head against his shoulder.

“I’m only Mr. Guru when you need me to be. I can be anything you need me to be, I’ll always be here for you Mac,” he kissed the top of my head.

“How ‘bout a paper shredder?” I asked and held up the scrapbook. If I wanted to get over Gerard I needed to start with the small details, I had to remember that I ended the relationship not him.

“Alright, one paper shredder coming up!” Benji announced and took the book from me and got up from the floor and walked over to the garbage can. I watched him as he started to pull apart the book, and then he paused. He grabbed something from the book and quickly threw out the rest.

“This has your name on it, and it’s not your writing,” he held up an envelope. I got up from the floor and walked over to him and took it from him.

“I think I’ll save it till later,” I folded it up and placed it in the back pocket of my jeans. Benji and I started down the hallway as the bell rang.

“Do you want to skip?” Benji asked five seconds after the bell. He knew that I had art class next and that Gerard would be in it. But then I remembered the last time I skipped art class with him, my mother all but ripped my head off.

“I really shouldn’t Benji, I’ll survive,” I said with a less than convincing smile.

“Are you sure?” he asked again.

“I’m sure,” I reached up on my tip toes and kissed Benji on the cheek. “Thank you Benji, for everything.”

“Alright Mac, I’ll see you at break.” He turned the corner and headed in the direction of his locker, I did the same.

I was glad that I had Benji to comfort me, I don’t think I could have honestly made it through this month without him. I probably would have broke down and done something stupid. I was also glad that he understood that I just wanted to be friends with him right now, he didn’t push the boundaries and he could tell when I was feeling uncomfortable when he grabbed my hand or had his arm around me.

I finally made it to my locker which pulled me from my thoughts. I grabbed my art supplies that I needed and headed in the direction of the art room. I wanted to get there quickly so I could get a seat in the back, Gerard still liked to sit in the same spot and if I didn’t get there early I would be stuck near him. As I neared the art room, I also neared his locker. The note in my pocket suddenly felt like a hundred pounds.

I watched my feet as I passed by his locker; I refused to make eye contact with him. I was a coward and I wasn’t afraid to admit it, I felt guilty for breaking his heart, but in the process I also bruised mine as well. I reached the art room and pulled open the heavy door. I walked up the small amount of stairs and quickly slipped into a back seat. I was happy that we still got to do our own thing, I had started a new drawing that I desperately wanted to finish.

“Hey, is this seat taken?” I looked up from my new sketch and saw a girl with peroxide blonde hair and dark brown eyes, she was short and thin. Her clothes were also an attention grabber; a bright yellow t-shirt covered her torso, while blue skinnies covered her legs. “My names Olivia...But I prefer Ollie.”

“I’m Mackenzie, and no the seat isn’t taken,” she smiled at me and sat down, and opened her sketch book.

“I just transferred here, my parents moved me all way from the other side of Jersey. I complained a lot, considering the years almost over.” She let out a laugh and started shading her drawing. I laughed too, it was pretty contagious. We continued to chat the rest of the class, I don’t know if it was her outgoing personality or her yellow t-shirt. But it helped me forget about the person that was sitting just two rows ahead of me…Gerard.