My Way Home is Through You

I was in the hospital bed with my eyes shut, slowly taking in breaths to make it look like I was sleeping. I didn’t want the doctor and my parents to know I was listening in on their conversation. The IV in my hand itched and I longed to scratch it.

“Anorexic?” My mom inhaled a sharp breath, I could picture her starting to cry and latch onto my father’s arm.

“I’m afraid so, Mrs. Woods.” The doctor was trying to be as sensitive as he could to my mom. But the fact that your only daughter is starving herself, just because she thinks she’s too fat, is a little bit difficult to put lightly.

“But, she was eating or at least she was telling me that she was.” I heard the sadness in her voice. “She’s never lied to me before.” That part was true, well mostly true. Despite the fact of what I was doing to myself, my parents gave me absolutely no reason to hate them.

Could it have been the voice in my head that caused me to harm my body? I don’t like to think that’s the reason, but whenever I think about it, my mind always wanders to it. Look at what you’re doing to your mom; you’re practically ripping her apart. I shut my eyes tighter and finally moved my hand to itch the one with the IV in it. I couldn’t pretend to sleep forever.

“Mackenzie?” I heard my dad’s voice and opened my eyes to look at him. My eyes got caught in his deep blue ones and the sadness in them was enough to break my heart. I didn’t need to look into my mother’s because if I did, I would most likely start crying.

“What are you doing to yourself?” All seriousness in his voice, I couldn’t stand it any longer. It’s like the flood gates opened in my eyes and the tears rolled down my cheeks and soaked the pillow beneath my head. The doctor excused himself so my parents and I could talk.

“I don’t know,” I answered them. To be completely honest I couldn’t even think of an answer for that. Why was I doing this to myself? Has vanity gotten to my mind so much that I can’t stand to eat because then I won’t look pretty?

“I don’t know how I didn’t see it.” My mom said with a tinge of disappointment in her voice. “How long? How long have you been doing this to yourself?” She asked, some anger rising in her voice.

I pulled back and looked away from her; I couldn’t stand having my parents know. “I’m sorry honey that came out wrong.” She wiped under her eyes and I could still feel her gaze upon me.

“It’s been about a month now.” I said now looking down at my crossed fingers, I barely spoke above a whisper. “It’s not like I didn’t eat at all, when I got hungry enough, I would eat something small.” I tried to tell her that I wasn’t completely lying. She didn’t look like she believed me.

By now a nurse had poked her head in the room and told my parents visiting hours were almost up. My dad bent down and kissed my cheek and so did my mom, only it didn’t feel right. It’s like they thought I was a failure, I didn’t deserve to have parents like them. I let more tears slip from my eyes when someone else entered the room.

“Are you okay?” Gerard asked me as he walked over to the bed I was lying in; he sat down gently near the end. I took one look in his eyes and the tears began to fall fast once again.

I shook my head no and placed my head in my hands and felt myself let go. My body trembled from the release of tears and I had to move my hands away from my mouth so I could breath. I soon felt arms wrap around me and heard the whispered words that it would all be okay.

I leaned into Gerard’s chest and just let the tears fall. I couldn’t believe that a guy I barely knew could be so caring. So open with me, and is willing to comfort me in a time of need. I finally could breathe properly and pulled out of his arms. I could feel my face burning from crying so hard.

“Why are you being so nice to me? You barely know me.” I asked him as I grabbed a tissue from the side table and wiped my nose. He just shrugged his shoulders and placed his hand on my back and began rubbing it. This caused a rush of ease to run though my body and I let my body fall back onto the bed. Gerard also leaned back and grasped my hand in his and rubbed circles around my knuckles.

I let a heavy sigh and looked up into his eyes. “Shouldn’t you be judging me right now? Or yelling at me? Something?”

“Why would I do that?” He asked in a calm and relaxed voice, still tracing circles on my hand.

“If I were you, I wouldn’t want to be my friend.” I said and let out a little yawn. Why was he acting so calm and collected? He shouldn’t be sticking around, he should be running away. A crazy girl with an eating disorder wouldn’t classify as a best friend.

“Last time I checked this was a free country.” He let out a chuckle and finally let go of my hand, placing it across my stomach. “I’m sure I can pick and choose who I want to be friends with.” He slowly started to get up from the bed and turned to look down at me.

“Now get some sleep, I’ll be back tomorrow.” Another yawn escaped my mouth and I nodded. Gerard turned off the lamp on the bedside table and placed his hand on mine.

A nurse came into the room and said that visiting hours were over ten minutes ago. Gerard looked back at me, said good night and slipped out of the room. The nurse checked everything and once she was satisfied, she left the room too.

My eye lids slowly drifted shut as I thought about everything that had happened today. Do my parents really think I’m a failure? Why was Gerard acting so weird? My last, seemingly pointless though, before drifting into nothingness, seed to quiet the voice…

Was Gerard in my life now just so that he could save me from myself?