Choice

Cloudy, hot and muggy; the worst kind of weather.

I could feel the sweltering sun pushing in on the blanket of thick grey clouds covering the sky.

I couldn’t help but laugh as I realised the sky was symbolising exactly what I was feeling and how cliché that sounded.

I had an immense amount of anger pushing and beating down on this blanket of guilt and regret.

I couldn’t be angry because in essence the beginning was my fault but the result had nothing to do with me and that’s what I was angry about.

But instead of unleashing my angry I escape to here.

My favourite hill top over-looking a little quant township; a town that belongs to parents, their children and the grandparents.

My saying about this town was that no one comes here unless they wanted to breed or die, but I was stuck here.

I was stuck on this hill fuming with anger and wallowing in guilt, I don’t know how it happened and I don’t want to remember because that would just make me feel worse.

Seeing him with her had just made me fume and there was no legitimate reason for me to.

For one they weren’t doing anything, they looked like they were just harmlessly discussing their marks on an essay we had just gotten back.

Two he had pronounced his like, or as he said love for me and I had practically rejected him in a heartbeat so I shouldn’t care anyway, should I?

Three I didn’t think I had any real feelings for him but friendship.

Last but not least I was pretty sure I had already found the guy for me and he was sitting outside my house waiting for me to meet him and spend the afternoon with him.

So there is no reason I should be so angry, guilty and have this enormous amount of regret.

But still I sit here angry and in great denial not wanting to know the reason for these feelings and yet the reason is slowly slipping into view.

He was great, one of my best friends, always there for me.

Still I didn’t think of him as attractive, or well I didn’t think I did. He wasn’t that obvious kind of attractive and nothing like my boyfriend, not my obvious type.

Yet I couldn’t help but remember moments with him where my heart skipped a beat or stopped completely.

Those fairytale moments when the two of you get into a situation where you are both extremely close and there’s that tension and both of you can’t think of anything but the other’s lips, those beautiful moments that every girl waits for.

I’ve had those moments, I’ve felt that tension and only with him and yet in those moments nothing had happened because I had frozen myself in place as I could feel it coming.

I knew in those moments if he had kissed me I wouldn’t have moved away from him.

I have to be honest and say that I wanted to know what it felt like, to be kissed by those soft lips, held by those strong hands and against his slightly muscular warm, soft chest.

I didn’t understand this.

Last week I could have said without a moment’s hesitation that he was just my friend but after he had confessed his attraction to me my mind has been working against me.

I couldn’t help but notice how much he smiled every time I came into the room, how he always made me feel better and how he made me laugh.

Sure my boyfriend does that too but he never seems to lift my spirits as much and when we fight he always seems to make me feel absolutely miserable.

I didn’t love either of them, I knew that much but I think I liked one more than the other but it was becoming increasingly harder to tell which one.

Being with someone romantically for a year and yet having so many fights didn’t compare to being best friends with someone for four years.

Growing with them, learning with them, standing side by side with them through the hard times and knowing that you’ve both made it through so many things because of that person standing beside you.

But when you’re with someone romantically you share so many intimate feelings and experiences with each other that you grow so close and so tight that you become bound to each other.

My head was reeling and I couldn’t figure anything out anymore.

That’s when I saw a head of brown tussled hair approaching the top of the hill.

It was him.

“Hey, are you okay? I got worried waiting outside of your house and came looking for you. For some reason I knew you would be up here” his smile was amazing and I never knew he paid enough attention to me to know where I would go when I needed to think.

“Alex” I heard a familiar voice call my name.

Now on either side of me they both stood.

They looked at each other not knowing what was going on in my mind.

Not knowing that I was going to make a choice.