Don't Let Me Go

I don’t know how long I’ve been here for. How long I’ve been sitting on this dirty stool and chucking shots after shots. The sky is dark, few drinks have appeared and disappeared from my sight and the crowd is getting smaller. It must be late already. I used to be a regular drunk here, coming every day after work and staying till closing time. But it’s been exactly a year since I last walked through these doors; a year since Jack broke up with me. I haven’t seen him since that night. I guess it’s better that way. It’s easier to move on when you have nothing to hold onto. Except that I didn’t move. As pathetic as it is, I’m still in love with him. I’ve been with a couple of guys over the last year but everyone seems so empty next to Jack. Maybe it’s just another excuse to not commit to anyone. I wish I could say that I changed but it’d be a lie. I want to believe that I’ve learned from my mistakes and that I will not do them again but the truth is that I still don’t know how to put my heart on the line and give my all to someone. The only difference is that I’m not afraid to do it anymore as long as it’s with the right person. I tried to find him. I called everyone he knew from his friends to his mother but he didn’t want me to find him. Someone once told me that if two lovers were meant to be together, then nothing would ever be able to keep them apart. I believed it for a few weeks; believed that he’d come back and I’d be able to make it up to him. But the harsh reality of life is that when you break someone’s heart, you never get a chance to mend it.

“I knew I’d find you here.” Jack’s voice fills my ears but I don’t turn around. It happened so many times before. I know now that it’s all in my head. I’ll look over my shoulder to see strangers’ talking and laughing together. He’s not here anymore and he’ll never come back.

“Whisky, the only thing you never had a problem with committing to.” He jokes and I sigh. It sounds like something he could say but not something I could think of. It’s not in my head this time. He really is here, taking a seat right next to me. I feel the need to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming but the fact that he looks so different from the guy I used to date is a good enough reality check. He looks happier than I remember; which must be normal seeing I’m no longer making him miserable.

“It’s been a while.” I state the obvious. His smile disappears for just a second, his eyes flicking to the empty glasses in front of me. His sister told me that he’d moved back to Baltimore after the break-up. It didn’t surprise me. He’s never felt right in California; always been a little homesick. He only stayed here for so long because of me. I only get to realize now just how much he had given up for me and how little I thanked him for that.

“I miss you.” I confess with the weakest voice ever heard. I could have opted for small talk; could have asked him what brought him back to Los Angeles. I could have questioned him on his life now but I didn’t want to know the answers. I don’t want to know that he moved on and is now happy with another guy.

“I miss you too.” He responds. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I know that it doesn’t mean anything. He may be in a happy relationship with a lucky pal. Either way, he’ll probably never take me back. Not after the last few months of our relationship. I could have saved it but I didn’t even try. It took for him to leave for me to realize everything I should have done but didn’t.

“Do you believe in second chances?” I ask quietly. The words coming out of my mouth before I could even think them. The answer won’t change anything, will it? Even if he does believe in second chances, it doesn’t mean he’ll be willing to give me one. How could he trust me again when I hurt him more than I ever wanted to? No, I don’t deserve a second chance with him.

“I believe that everything has to be alright for it to be the end.” He says with a smile and I feel his hand on my knee, discreetly resting there without as much as a squeeze. I think I understand the underlines of it. Things might never get back to how they were before. We may never get back together or be as good friends as we used to be. But it doesn’t really matter because we can start fresh. We can be different. Better.