Never Ending Equation

I was seventeen when I realized I was in love with her.

I didn't plan it out; it just sort of.. happened, in an instant.

It was just a normal day. Cars flying down the highway, pouring music out onto the road. The wind was blowing and wrecking everyone's hair. Baseball games were heading into extra innings. People were busy at work, either cleaning tables or giving presentations. It was just another day in Thunder Bay.

There was no destination in my mind when I left, but I stopped at the arcade window when a familiar figure caught my eye. She was standing over an old Pac Man machine, one hand directing the joystick as she bit her lower lip in concentration. Nicolette was always good at this game. She refused to move from that spot until she had beaten the high score, ultimately drawing crowds. But she still looked the same since I last saw her a few months ago. Her hair got a bit lighter, I think, but that was all.

As I stood there with my hands jammed in my front pockets, blatantly staring at her, I figured I had two options.

One, walk away and act like I hadn't seen her. Things would be fine, I'm sure. We'd go on living like the other didn't exist, even though she was constantly on my mind. I'd go on with my life wondering what could have been. I actually think I thought about her more when we weren't talking than I did when we were talking.

Two, knock on the window and and say hi. Maybe she had missed me as much as I missed her. It was a possibility, right? The chances were slim, but still. Something good could come from it, even something great. Who knows, things could have completely changed from a few months ago.

Instead, I chose option number three: continue to gawk at her. My feet were stuck there. It was like I was in quicksand, slowly sinking to the bottom as I drank in her appearance before I was completely beneath the surface and couldn't breathe.

About sixty seconds ticked by before she threw her arms up in the area and danced in place. She had finally beaten her high score, probably by a considerable amount.

She stopped mid-spin, though, when she caught sight of me. Her face was blank, her jaw slightly ajar. But that only lasted a moment. She was quick to recover, sending me a wide grin and a little wave. She tucked her hair behind her ear then turned back to the game.

It was simple, but it made all the difference in the world to me. That was the moment I knew I was in love with her. Right there. It came and went in a flash, no more than fifteen seconds. But sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.

Too bad there was no room for me in hers.

With a sigh, I took one last look at her and turned away. I knew it wouldn't be the last time I saw her, but from then on I would look at her differently. She wasn't just some girl to me anymore. She was the girl.

Falling in love with her came as a shock to me. I knew I had liked her for years, but the idea of falling in love at the age of seventeen.. I just couldn't quite grasp that. It was so foreign to me, but I never wanted it to end. It filled me up from head to toe and was so overwhelming. It was unexplainable, unless you were fortunate to fall in love with someone and experience it for yourself.

I wanted to tell her about this new discovery, but how could I? She'd laugh in my face, run away, or tell me I had no idea what love was. But a part of me didn't care. I just wanted to get it out and tell her the truth, except I wanted to hear her tell me she loved me too. There was no way she could love me, though. I guess it's a good thing I was already a block and a half away from the arcade. I don't think I could handle falling in love and having my heart broken all in one day within ten minutes.

"Jordan?" I heard a voice say. "Hey, man. How's it going? It's been a while since we last talked."

I turned toward the voice and nodded, recognizing Mathieu. "Yeah, it has. Haven't seen you in a year or so. How's school going?"

Mathieu graduated last year then headed off to Concordia. He came home for breaks and stuff, which explains why he was home now, but I had drifted away from the Bernards in that time.

"Pretty good. What about hockey?"

"Not bad. It's more intense than ever now."

He let out a little chuckle. "I bet. Hey, are you doing anything now? Because I was just going to meet Nicolette at the arcade, if you want to come."

"Um," I trailed off, trying to choose my words carefully. He didn't know that his sister and I hadn't been talking since about the time he went to Montreal. "I'd love to, but I was actually going to head back home and sleep or something. I'm not feeling so great. Maybe next time."

"Rough, man. Hope you feel better," Mathieu said as he started to head in the direction of the arcade. "Give me a call sometime, we'll all hang out. It'll be like nothing ever changed."