Right Through Me

Everywhere I went, I saw Fernando’s face. Every time I saw his face in the news or magazines it was like another dagger to the heart. I cringed when Katie was watching an interview of Fernando about his move to Chelsea.

Playing with my cereal as I heard his deep Spanish voice echo from the living room leaving me breathless. I dropped my spoon as I ran a hand through my messy blond hair that was in tangles this morning.

It’s been the hardest month that I have ever endured, moving in with Katie and trying to keep in touch with everyone in Liverpool was more difficult than I imagined. When I talked to Alex, Yolanda or even Pepe I knew they wanted to ask how I was coping with the break up but diverted into something else like the weather.

I scoffed remembering how Pepe caught himself from asking the question by asking how the weather was where I lived which wasn’t far off from where he was. But it was still a dumb question seeing as no matter where you lived in England it always rained.

Slowly I started to lose contact with everyone back in Liverpool. It was too painful to even talk to them since I know they all keep close contact with Fernando and visit him or him visit them whenever they can.

Gazing at the full bowl of cereal that I barely touched, I gave up trying to eat it. I stood up throwing the contents away as I held on to the sink when I heard Fernando’s deep chuckle from the living. Trying to keep the tears at bay, I shook my head to compose myself.

I sighed before I walked quickly up the stairs passed my coworker as her eyes were still fixated on the television screen. Closing the door behind me, I quickly started to get ready for the day so I can escaped from his voice even if it’s just a couple of hours of doing nothing.

I hated that my boss Angela gave me months off of work since she said that my work has been affected by my depression. I denied being depressed but she read out loud the work that I turned in and I cringed at how horrible my writing was.

None of my articles made sense or they were really hostile towards men more like footballers in general. Angela wanted me to get my act together before I started to work again by either talking to my source of problems or go to a therapist.

I wanted neither and reassured her that I was fine and could deal with whatever I had on my own. Jogging down the stairs, I grabbed my purse. “Kate! I’m going out for a while.” She murmured an okay before she sighed dreamily as she continued to watch Fernando smile at the interviewer.

A lump in my throat started to form and bolted out of the door before I lost it. I needed to get away from the house a little while since I knew as I much as I loved and adored Katie I knew she had a crush on the Spaniard.

She wasn’t very good at hiding her feelings and is a very good listener but when he was on television playing or in an interview she drops everything just to hear his voice or see him. Driving around town seems to ease my mind for a bit before I parked at a random spot.

Getting out of the car and locked it I started to walk around as the cool crisp air surrounded me. I breathed deeply and smiled loving the smell of fresh rain. It was the only things that calmed me other than Fernando.

I growled at my weak attempt to forget about him, my mind always went back to him and that damn woman he calls a friend. I knew the look in her eyes that she had deep feelings for Fernando but I couldn’t tell with him though.

He was always a closed book and was hard to read at times, he was so great at hiding his feelings when he wanted to. The one thing I admired about him was that he rarely did, he never really hid his feelings with me.

He always wanted to tell me what he felt and told me about his problems and about his day. It was so right waiting for him to get home as he dragged his way into our bedroom exhausted from a hard workout.

A smile formed on my lips when my mind flashed back to when I use to run my fingers through his hair as he laid his head on my lap telling me about his day. The way his eyes would sparkle when he talked about football and the small grin that was always on his face.

Suddenly my vision got blurry, wiping the tears that I didn’t realize that was running down my red cheeks. My lips quivered as the pain that I wanted to hide was started to hit me like a tidal wave. The pain was unbearable.

The more I thought about him, the more I realized that we had so many more good times than bad. I was so lucky to have a man like that and he never did me wrong. I was lucky enough to have him while other girls would complain about their boyfriends not being open with them. Mine was.

It was too late though. I knew that everything we ever had was gone now and I needed to accept the fact that he moved on. I need to move on now too, he looked so happy talking about Chelsea and the interview.

His eyes sparkled like he was just reborn, he sorted was. Moving to another team, now newly single and can do whatever he wanted. He had a fresh new start that he always wanted since he started to become a bit depressed in Liverpool.

I wish I was enough for him, to feel happy and not have this feeling of restarting. “Well, well, well. Look who I found. Kit-Kat”

My gray eyes darkened when I heard the deep voice that was getting closer to me. I looked at the blue eyed man before me, as a frown appeared on my face annoyed more than ever that he decided to show up or even talk to me about that run in we had over a month ago.

“What the hell do you want Noah?” I hissed.

He pretended to be wounded as he placed a hand over his heart as he pouted, “Aw. Don’t be mean Kit-Kat. I was only trying to cheer you up after the break up and all.” My eyes got bigger at his comment since nothing was ever published that Fernando was now a single man.

He kept it under wraps and was lucky enough that none of the interviewers have talked about me, well from what Katie said anyway. “How-“

“You wouldn’t be wandering around here in a different city if you weren’t. Come on Kit. I know you like the back of my hand.” He scoffed.

Annoyance grew deep in my veins as anger started to boil up just by him speaking to me. He started to get close to me as I started to step back not wanting to be near this man. I hated him for years after what he has done to me.

I hated that he never once tried to help me, the only thing he has ever done was bring me down. I knew I would never forgive him because when I looked at him, he reminded me of Mai. My beautiful daughter that I gave up.

I started to become emotional again just thinking of the little girl that was probably around three years old at the moment. “Get away from me.” I said.

“Why?” he tilted his head to the side like a curious child as he continued to get closer to me. I bit my lip as my back hit a brick wall having me trapped between his arms. He smirked in victory as he leaned in I quickly turned my head to the side as he whispered in my ear.

“I could make you feel so much better again Kit…” his hot breath hit the side of my face “only if you let me. I could help you forget about that Fernando Torres and you can be happy again.”

I shuddered as my body reacted to his voice; I hated the fact that he still had this effect on me. My body actually wanted him as I felt my body curve towards his. I asked how he can help me as the smile that I always use to love showed.

“It would be just like old times.” He stroked my face as it wandered into my blond locks getting tangled into it as he kissed the side of my face. I closed my eyes as I moan passed through my lips unintentionally.

“Me and you.” Another kiss closer to my ear. “No body else.” I turned my head with watery eyes as I felt my mind and body surrendering to him just like when I was a teenager. “Promise?” I whispered. He nodded before he cradled my face in his hands.

“Promise” he muttered.

His plump lips touched mine as a warm feeling started to form in the pit of my stomach and the lust started to build up. I knew that it wasn’t love and it never will be but I needed someone’s attention other than Katie.

I wanted a man’s touch and reassurance of the intimacy that I craved for about a month. He parted from my lips first as I groaned. He chuckled as he nodded his head towards my car, “My place?” I smiled and agreed to his plans.

I gave him the car keys as I climbed into the passenger side hearing my heart thump in an increasing rate at what I have just done. I knew that I was going back to my old ways but old habits die hard. After being heartbroken I felt like this was the only way I could be partially happy.

But the whole time I was with Noah all I thought about was what Fernando was doing and what he had with Li was more than friendship. Something deep in me that they had something that they didn’t want to admit and it was killing me to know that.