Right Through Me

Loneliness.

That was the strongest emotion I was feeling at the moment. I could feel myself slipping away bit by bit every time I sleep with Noah. Staring at the white ceiling always brings back memories and when I close my eyes I always picture Fernando right next to me not Noah.

Clutching the blankets closer to me as I felt Noah snoring loudly, it’s been two months since the last time I have saw Fernando. Two agonizing months without being with him and it’s slowly driving me insane. But for some reason being with Noah made me feel slightly better.

All the want and need that I actually want from a man is given to me, the problem was the person who was giving it to me. I didn’t want him. I wanted someone else. No one knew about what I was doing and I wanted it to keep it that way.

I needed Noah to help me keep me sane; I couldn’t do this without him. I craved him so much just like when we were teenagers except it has been getting stronger every day I go without the Spaniard. I sighed before I got up shivering as the cold hit my naked body.

Walking towards the shower while gathering new clothes to dress in I waited for the water to get warmer I looked at the mirror to see what my body has become. All the flaws that I see. My thighs have become slightly bigger and my hips were bruised from my previous activities.

Hickies were covering my chest and inner thighs knowing that he wanted it to keep it a secret as well so he never gave me love bites around my neck. While taking my shower my body started to break down as I started to cry again.

Tears wouldn’t stop coming and it was becoming so unbearable I never knew that you could miss someone so much. He was so close to me, yet so far. I knew that I couldn’t talk to him; my pride was getting the way of that.

Blowing up at him for having Li in is house; it was a stupid thing to fight over since we weren’t together anymore and he was right. He can have anyone he wants at his house and do whatever he pleases. He sounded so happy without me when he picked up the phone.

Maybe this would be the best having two lives without one another. Hugging my form I suddenly felt two arms wrap themselves around me, turning me around so my face was up against Noah’s chest. He let me cry for a bit before he started to kiss my neck.

My sobbing turned into quite moans as I tilted my head up to see the lust in his blue eyes. Latching my lips onto his hungrily I jumped on him as my legs wrapped around his torso as he instantly slipped right into me.

I moaned as he filled me, the familiar feeling was overwhelming and my lust was into over drive as I gave in as he thrust into me. He was quick and fast, it wasn’t loving like Fernando’s. It was completely different and that was the one thing that was a downfall in forgetting about him.

I always compare Noah to Fernando but that was pulled into the back of my mind as I felt my lower regions tighten. Reaching my climax I arched my back as my chest was pressed onto his as he groaned spilling his seed into me.

Out of breath I detached myself from him and lightly pecked him on the lips, “Thank you” he nodded before giving me a smile. He cupped my face as he whispered, “I’m the only one that truly loves you Kit. Don’t forget that”

He always said that after we had sex and I was starting to believe it. He didn’t have to start this twisted relationship we have again. He would have found someone else so easily with his good looks but he came back to me and I was glad he did.

I smiled as we washed our bodies and I left with a little smile on my face. Driving around in the town that I now live in, I unknowingly drove to London. Parking, I got out of the car realizing that I was in London when I saw some familiar shops.

This gut feeling made me want to run for the hills but I slapped myself out of it. It was highly unlikely that I would run into Fernando here. London was a huge city and I doubt he would be in this part of town anyways.

Throwing my hair into a side ponytail as I walked around I windowed shopped to see if I would buy anything. Intrigued by a couple of the stores I gave in and bought some of the clothes that my eyes were caught on to.

I couldn’t help myself and it made me feel slightly better and helped relieve the pain that I always had on my heart. Going through the racks I heard someone call my name and I froze still, thinking that maybe they were calling a different Kit.

I rolled my eyes at the stupid thought, Kit wasn’t a popular name. I doubt there was another Kit in this store. I turned to see one of my closest Spanish friends that I haven’t seen in a while, Cesc Fabregas. I blinked to see if he was really standing in front of me.

“Ay dios mio. It really is you.” He whispered and a smile crept on his face and he walked over to me embracing me in a tight hug that I returned gladly. My lips quivered trying to get rid of the happy tears of seeing him again.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

He let go of me and raised a brow, “Kit. I live in London.” He said in the most obvious tone. I smacked myself for being so forgetful; I totally forgot that Cesc also lived in London. Suddenly wishing that I knew this before calling Katie to take me in.

Cesc was the only other person other than Pepe who actually talks to me regularly deals with all the drama that I add into their lives. He listens to me and gives me advice when I need it. He is an incredible man and Carla is a lucky woman.

“Where have you been? It’s been five months since I have seen you and I thought I would be one of the first people you would call after what has happened.”

I flinched knowing what he was talking about. I averted my gaze, “I knew that if I contacted you that I would see Fernando a lot more often than I would have liked. It’s best if I don’t talk to anyone that is close to Fernando, he was your friend first so shouldn’t you be consoling him first about his problems.”

Just because him dumping me didn’t affect him didn’t mean he didn’t have problems. Fernando let me in a little bit when he said he wasn’t happy with Liverpool anymore and he has been feeling a bit depressed but I know that something else has been bothering him that made him not want to stay in Liverpool anymore.

I told Cesc what has actually happened and told him about what I felt about it, “I just wish that he wouldn’t have blocked me out so much. He never told me he was unhappy in Liverpool until the deal was done with Chelsea. Fernando should know that I would do anything to help him with whatever he needs.”

“He shouldn’t have been keeping it in.” tears started to slip down my face as I continued on my rant, “If only I could take his pain away… I guess me not being with him was the cure of his depression.”

Cesc just stood there listening to every word that I have said and nodded when it was needed. He switched feet as he responded, “Fernando has told me that as well. That he was feeling depressed in Liverpool and needed a change. I never thought he wanted a complete change by not only leaving Liverpool but you as well.”

“Fernando does love you Kit.” I scoffed at his meaningless words. “I’m serious. He does-“

“Really? Because from what I have seen he looks happy in interviews and when he plays matches. He has Li so why would he love me for?” I questioned. My anger flared up again, betrayal was something I never thought Fernando would do to me but he did.

“He has to look happy Kitty. If you looked really closely you would have known that in his eyes he’s unhappy. He does miss you even though he doesn’t vocalize it. He didn’t have to say to me that he misses you, I can tell by his posture.” He explained.

I bit my lip thinking about what he has said but something was telling me not to believe him. That all that he said was to make me feel better and to run back to him to only make a fool out of myself. That evil voice in my head that always gets me into trouble.

He sighed before asking if he could take me out to lunch so we can catch up. I started to decline when my stomach started to growl, sheepishly smiling as the Arsenal captain chuckled at my attempt of hiding my hunger.

We walked out of the store chatting away as we neared the restaurant that Cesc said that I had to try since it was his favorite. “Cesc, every restaurant is your favorite.”

He spun around with a glint in his eyes, “This one is different. I swear.” I giggled at his statement hoping that it is different from the poor quality restaurant that he loves. He was pretty simple when it comes to eating but he said this was an occasion for going all out.

Before we entered the restaurant something caught my eye, my stormy grey eyes moved to the place to soothe my curiosity. I froze as Cesc turned back asking what was wrong; seeing my lips were trembling he followed my gaze.

“He loves me. Huh Cesc?” I said bitterly.

I turned away looking at the man before he “I’m so sorry Kit.”

“There’s no need to be sorry, he can do whatever he wants. I don’t give a damn, he can screw that whore if he wants.” I replied.

Cesc stood quite before softly tugging me inside the restaurant as I felt my heart explode in envy and hate at the sight that was displayed before me. That image was with me throughout the whole lunch get together with Cesc.

Fernando holding Li as he kissed her, the way his arms circled around her was the same way he used to do with me. Maybe she was the reason why he moved over here, it would be closer and more convenient by giving us a break.

What I didn’t see was that Fernando was surprised by the kiss and quickly detached himself from Li asking her what she was doing. He was shocked that he best friend would do something like that and never knew that she felt that way.

Fernando didn’t know what to do as a lump was caught in his throat as he heard Li confess that she has been in love with him even when she knew that he was with Kit. That name alone left a searing pain that never went away, that name was forever branded on him.

Quite literally.

He remembered when he first has gotten it so he can show to Kit that he did love her enough to have her name inked on his arm permanently. She was on cloud nine when she saw it and was teary eyed; he softly touched the three letter name that he loved so much.

There was a new tattoo that he got before all the Chelsea drama that was surrounding him. He was going to show Kit the new tattoo but he had a fight with her. It was on his calf, the day that they met in roman numerals.

He sighed telling Li that he didn’t feel the same way for her, that he still loved Kit. Li looked devastated but she understood she apologized to him feeling horrible of forcing herself on to him just because he was single.

If only Kit knew how Fernando truly felt about the break up, everything would be fixed.