Right Through Me

I sighed as I left Noah’s house in the morning, not wanting to deal with him since he wanted to talk last night about what has happened to me. I distracted him long enough for him to forget about what he wanted to talk about to participate in other activities.

Hugging Cesc tightly as I inhaled his scent feeling the tears prickling from my eyes as he stroked my back soothingly. I felt him tense underneath me, knowing that he had let me go already but I wasn’t about ready to yet.

Being the incredible friend that he is, he stayed in my embrace as he murmured soft encouraging words to me. I couldn’t help but have my grey eyes look back to the spot where I saw Fernando and Li swapping saliva.

Would it be weird to say that I wanted them to still be there? Even though he wasn’t with me at the moment it would make my day just to see him a little while longer. I sighed, letting go of the Arsenal captain.

“Things will get better Kit” sending me a small smile. I forced a smile feeling my mouth stretched in an uncomfortable way since it wanted to stay in that infamous frown that I have been wearing from some time now.

I nodded stiffly as I was ready to turn to walk to my car I heard Cesc say “Promise me that you will keep in touch? No more of this disappearing act with you Kitty”

I gave him a genuine smile before I promised him that I would see him more often. As long as I don’t confront Fernando, as much as I want to see him and talk to him. My ego is making it hard for me to let that wall down so I can actually talk to the Spaniard.

Suddenly as I climbed in the car my heart couldn’t take it anymore. Feeling it burn and ache even more so now than ever. This always happens. When I have no one to distract me from the pain, it always comes back with so much force.

I ached for a man’s touch and I knew where to get it. Driving in a fast pace to get to Noah’s house, seeing his house made my heart feel elated as I quickly got out of the car. Sprinting to the porch I pounded on the front door, cursing that I didn’t have a key to his house.

He finally opened the door with a curious expression, “Kit” he trailed off as I pushed him inside slamming him into a wall forcing my lips onto his. He gently pushed me away, “What the hell is wrong with you?” he wiped his mouth.

I was hurt that he did such an act, “Don’t worry about it” as I tried to kiss him again but he quickly evaded me. His blue eyes sparkled with curiosity wanting to know what was actually wrong with me. He didn’t like it when I had things on my mind at the time we have sex.

He rather has me not so emotional when we do since I am not as great of a lover as he puts it. “Something is the matter with you. What happened?” he asked with concern.

For the first time in a long time he showed true concern for me just like back when I would escape to his house when I saw my parents fighting violently. This was the only time I didn’t want him to be the concerned fuck buddy.

I didn’t want him to be understanding; I wanted him to fulfill my needs as of right now. “I said it is nothing. Just drop it” I said sternly.

I was growing annoying at the older man’s persistence of asking me what the matter with me was. I knew what was wrong and didn’t want to voice it at the moment. I never did and that’s why I am so complicated I guess.

I was always a closed lid never letting anyone in on my true emotions until Fernando came along. I became the opposite. I was a little too open with him and speak to him about my every concern and worry that soon turned into paranoia.

Pushing him to the wall, “All I want is to have sex with you. No talking, no sharing feelings. None of that” I replied.

Pressing my lips onto his as my hands trailed down his chest to some place where I knew that he would at least for the night forget about what I said. Feeling him giving in to what I want, I couldn’t help but smirk as we sunk down to the floor not bothering moving to the bedroom.

As I arrived at Katie’s house I heard my phone ringing for the thousandth time that week. So many friends were calling me from Alex to Pepe asking if I was okay since I suddenly fell from the face of the earth.

I didn’t want to associate with them at the moment, they all connected to Fernando in some form or another and I didn’t want any part of it. Pressing on the ignore button when I saw Pepe’s name pop up again when I didn’t answer the first time.

A pain in my heart throbbed when I decided to cut all contact with my friends just because I’m not with Fernando anymore. But I was being selfish and trying to save myself from insanity. I knew that I would ask nonstop about Fernando if I were to talk to them.

I wanted to save myself from going to a full blown sex addict. Having sex with Noah constantly already is draining enough and just seeing Fernando for the first time in months had sent my mind into over drive. I hated that I was so miserable and he looked so happy with her.

All smiles not a worry in the world as Li wrapped her arm around his like the perfect couple. My lips quivered a bit when I opened the door. “Kit?” Katie’s voice echoed throughout the voice. Her brown locks bounced when she entered the room.

Her brown eyes light up in relief “Where the hell have you been?! I have been looking all over for you? You’re barely around! When I do see you, you’re always on the move saying you have gone somewhere. Where do you go? Are you alright? Please tell me you’re fine” she rambled.

I did feel horrible that I sent Katie into cardiac arrest for my disappearance. Grabbing onto her shoulders shaking her a bit “Relax I’m fine. I just have been spending time with a friend. He’s been helpful” I said helping her calm her nerves.

She soon relaxed as she smiled back at me “Oh” she replied “That’s good I guess” she was pretty quite after that saying that she was ready to go out and asked if I wanted to go.

“I don’t know if I should”

I was a bit hesitant since Katie does hang out with the a couple of friends that knew some of my own. I didn’t want to run into them but she pleaded with me saying she barely saw me and wanted to spend some time with me.

“Please! You said you have been doing a lot better! We could just have a few drinks and a little fun since you’re single again. I don’t want you coped up in here. This isn’t the funny farm.”

I raised my brow at her choice of words, “Funny farm?” with a hint of a smile plastered on my lips. She playfully shoved me before pulling my upstairs to find some clothes for me to wear. She managed to convince me to wear a short black dress with high heel boots to match with heavy chucky jewelry.

Applying some lips gloss and a little eye makeup we hit the town as my heart couldn’t help but hammer into my chest. I just had this bad feeling that I was going to run into someone and I didn’t want that happening.

Parking at a random club that I wasn’t familiar with, I was relieved that it was a club that I knew that anyone would never go to. They were pretty loyal to most of the clubs they went to and rarely tried anything new.

Easily getting in with a little help with Katie’s persuasion skills that acquired a little cleavage peek show for the bouncer we got in. I was overwhelmed with the scene since it has been a while since I have been to a club.

The last time I was at the club was for Fernando’s birthday, my eyes softened at thinking of the man. I squinted my eyes when I saw a familiar brunette with some build to him. It wasn’t ringing any bells as Katie pulled me to the corner of friends that waved her over.

I sat quietly a she introduced me to all of her companions. As soon as introductions were done everyone continued on with their conversation before they waved us over. An arm was draped over my shoulders as I looked to see a man with dark eyes grinning at me.

“Name’s Caleb. What’s your name” I was a bit irritated since Katie just introduced me to them but I guess since the music was a bit loud they probably couldn’t hear her. Telling him my name I pushed his arm away from me.

He pressed himself onto me, “Why don’t we go somewhere a little less quite” I gagged at his suggestion. He didn’t do anything subtle as I felt a cold hand stroking my leg, slapping it away.

“I’m not interested”

I couldn’t take anymore of his harassment seeing that no one was stepping in to say anything. They were either glancing over to me with a blank expression or too into the conversation to even look my way. I stood up quickly walking to the bathroom.

I felt a strong grip on my upper arm as they spun me around, “I’m not done with you” he said venomously.

I yanked it away from him, “I say we are fuckin’ done” I hissed. “Now get the hell away from me”

Turning on my heels he grabbed onto me even tighter as I heard someone say “Let her go” my grey eyes widened as I heard the voice. My mouth went dry as I saw Fernando walking towards us with a glare.

Caleb looked at him and then turned to me before he removed his hands off of me probably remembering that we were ‘together’. “Sorry dude. I didn’t mean to hit on your woman”

Fernando just stood quite, feeling uncomfortable with his stare Caleb left us alone as I fidgeted when his chocolate eyes turned to me.

“Thank you” I said quietly.

Fernando held a blank expression “No problem” he turned to walk away but seeing his shoulders slump before he turned around to face me again “How are you doing?”

I bit my lip “I’m doing great” trying my best for my lips not to tremble or have my eyes water. I could feel them both coming on but remain cool. I was about to ask him something else to keep this awkward conversation going with Li showed up next to Fernando.

“Nan, we’re waiting for you to cut the cake” with a huge smile on her face. My fake smile faltered for a bit before I reminded myself to lift my cheeks up higher. She turned to me as her dark eyes sparkled under the neon lights.

“Come join us Kit. It would be lots of fun” she suggested. Fernando gave her a look before she nodded and waved to me. Turning around leaving Fernando and I to ourselves.

“You don’t have to come” he responded with softness.

I furrowed my brows, “Um, maybe I shouldn’t” I said slowly. I could have sworn seeing that Fernando looked a bit disheartened when I said that but quickly dismissed it.

“What’s the cake for?” I asked before he had a chance to leave. A chuckle left his lips, “After four years of being together you suddenly forget when my birthday is?”

My lips parted on their own, remembering that it was March 20th. His birthday. I wanted to slap myself for forgetting the day.

“Happy birthday.”

He grinned “Thank you”

“Old man” I teased with a little grin that played on my lips. I couldn’t help but tease him a little of being older than me.

“I’m not that old, 27 is still young”

I rolled my eyes “Compared to me, you still are”

“You’re 22 Kit. That’s old” he retorted

“No I’m not you old geezer” as that last word left my lips I realized that we were playfully bantering like we use to. Fernando’s eyes widened catching on to what I realized. He cleared his throat before he said he had to go back before Li comes back to drag him away.

I nodded, “Have a good birthday” he gave thanks before he left me alone in the corner of the club. Shoulders slumped I walked to the bar, “Give me a tonic” the bartender nodded “and keep them comin’”

I wanted to forget about what I use to have with Fernando and having a civil conversation with him was something that I wasn’t prepared for. I wasn’t even prepared seeing him. Thanking the bartender I drank a huge gulp of my drink.

Hearing people singing ‘Happy Birthday’ faintly I swallowed the drink even faster. Slamming it on the counter when I heard them sing his name. This was going to be a long night. Seeing Pepe wearing a crazy red hat while ranting something I shook my head.

A very very long night indeed.