Right Through Me

“So where have you been all this time?” Yolanda asked when we sat down on the couch with the baby monitor next to us. I licked my lips just thinking if I should lie to her, but since I complied to come visit her I couldn’t just tell her the truth.

She was pregnant for crying out loud and it was unhealthy to add more stress and worry onto her, especially since it doesn’t pertain to her. I didn’t want her to know about Noah, Fernando already did and that was one too many.

I didn’t want to risk it so I answered, “I just needed some time away from everyone. It was the break I needed and I’m sorry for not keeping in touch with you like I said I would”

Folding my hands I saw the hurt in Yolanda’s dark brown eyes, “Why didn’t you just tell us? We would have understood because of you and Fer- because of what happened. Instead you had us all worried; Stevie and Pepe were so close to go search for you”

My grey eyes widened at what the older woman told me, I honestly thought they were only nice to me because of my situation with Fernando. That they weren’t really my friends and were only polite to me because I was with Fernando.

Now that Fernando and I weren’t together anymore, I thought they would just forget about me. Not caring what happened to me because my connection with Fernando is no longer valid. But no, they were honestly worried and concerned about me.

Like true friends.

My eyes watered just thinking about how much I sincerely loved this people, I felt so bad not contacting them. It was the only thing that kept me partially sane was to cut off all ties with people who know my ex so I won’t be wounded again.

Yolanda saw my distress and scooted over to me, hugging me as best as she could with her pregnant belly. “I’m so sorry for doing that to you all. I feel so horrible, I didn’t mean to have you all worried for me. That wasn’t my intention” my grey watery eyes peered up at the Spanish woman “I’m sorry” I croaked out.

I kept apologizing over and over again. Yolanda just stroked my back telling me that it was alright, that she was happy that I was alright and nothing bad happened to me. I wasn’t just apologizing just for my disappearance.

I was apologizing for being unbearable. I was sorry for being a horrible friend. I was sorry for being a complete and utter bitch and didn’t deserve them as friends. At but not least I was sorry for not trusting them and cut them out of my life because of my tainted thoughts.

Just talking to Yolanda was refreshing and I felt some relief when I started to talk to her about certain things. I didn’t really talk to her how I was feeling after the break up and what I was doing these last few months but I did tell her my run in with Fernando.

She smiled, “He did?” Yolanda chucked as she mumbled that it was typical of Fernando to do such a thing. She had a glint in her eye that made me a bit worried not knowing what she was going to say. All I knew that she had something in her mind and I wanted to know what she was thinking.

I asked her what was on her mind and why she had the creepy smirk, the smirk grew wider before she tauntingly said, “Nando still loves you”

My heart skipped a beat. That wasn’t possible. It just wasn’t. He is so happy without me, having Li by his side he moved on. Fernando found someone new, better, and less dramatic than I. Someone who can be with him and support whatever he’s doing without being paranoid.

“Yo, please don’t say things like that.” I sighed.

I didn’t want her throwing those thoughts onto me, it was already enough that I went over the edge when I saw him and even spoke to him last night. Look where it landed me, having sex with not only Noah but his friend Alan.

A sick feeling came over me just thinking about what happened, even though I don’t have a recollection of what happened it still sent chills down my spine. Not in a good way.

“It’s true though. Why would he have stepped in?” she questioned, with a raised eyebrow.

“Because this is Fernando we are talking about. He doesn’t have a bad bone in his body and even though we are through he wouldn’t let his ex get harassed by some guy” I retorted.

I seriously didn’t think what the big deal was having Fernando saving me. He was a gentleman and wouldn’t let his friends or ex get hurt even if they hurt him badly. Fernando wasn’t cold hearted to the point where he would sit back and let something bad happen.

“He still cares about you” she added.

Goodness gracious, this woman did not know when to give up. I ran a hand through my untamable blond hair pushing it all to one side feeling the frizz in some areas.

“I don’t think so” I said “Seeing Fernando and Li locking lips told me another story” I cut her off seeing when she wanted to add her two cents in at my first comment. Why can’t she just see that Fernando has moved on and doesn’t love me anymore?

Yolanda’s face held confusion when she replied “Nando and Li kissed?” she sounded unsure when she said it, like she was doubting that it could actually happened. I nodded firmly and started to explain that I ran into Cesc in London and we went to lunch is where I saw Li and Fernando in a lip lock.

The woman’s lips turned into a frown, “That’s weird” I asked her why it was so weird for him to kiss Li, after all she was a beautiful and available woman.

“Fernando doesn’t love or like Li in that way. You can see it in his eyes that he doesn’t, only has a friend Kit” it was her turn to quickly add to her sentence when she saw me about to protest. I crossed my arms not believing that what Fernando felt for the Asian woman was platonic.

“Why wouldn’t he like her in that way Yo? She’s smart, kind, sweet, beautiful, patient. Everything I’m not”

Yolanda bit her lip as she rubbed her belly subconsciously, “Do hear yourself? Why are you so insecure about yourself?” she sighed before she muttered something in Spanish.

“Sure Li is all those things, but so are you. Sure you have some qualities that aren’t so appealing but everyone has those. Don’t look at me like that, you know it’s true. Just ask yourself this. If Fernando really didn’t love you then why did he stay with you all these years? Why would he waste his time with a girl he didn’t love?” she pointed out.

“It doesn’t matter what he thought then. I heard it from his mouth that he was tired of all my bullshit. That’s all I needed to hear to confirm what I was thinking from the beginning, he doesn’t love me” I responded firmly.

Fernando didn’t love me. I know he didn’t. He was only with me because he felt pity for me and wanted to prolong the relationship until he got fed up. He couldn’t take it anymore and kicked me to the curb.

“Is that what you think?” I nodded knowing what I said was completely true. Fernando was awkward when it came to break ups or even talking about things in that nature. That’s why he waits until he’s mad enough so all that emotion can get him through what he wants to say.

“If he doesn’t love you and waited for the right excuse to get rid of you then why did he always bring up marriage? Kids? He had to convince you for months just to move in with him. Why would he go through all that trouble just for someone he doesn’t love?”

This was just too much for me; I stood up rubbing my temples. “Listen Yolanda, I don’t want to be lectured by you. I just wanted to see how you were doing. I will see you later”

Heading to the door, she pleaded that she didn’t mean to pester. “I know it’s not in my right to tell you what to do but I just want you to see that Fernando does love you still. Stop denying that Fernando doesn’t love you because you know he still does. His face lit up when he came back from the bar last night and I know you saw the look he had when he saw you the first time in months. Fernando was worried about you and was so relieved that you were okay. I want you to know that” she said softly.

Blinking back tears that were wanting to erupt from my eyes; I gave her a weak smile before I hugged her. “I’m sorry” with that I turned on my heel and got into my car driving away just as the weather started to change, rain pelted on my windshield.

Just great.

Just what I needed and talking to Yolanda only made me feel better for a little bit until we got into the forbidden subject that I didn’t want to talk about. Sniffing, I heard my phone buzz telling me I got a text.

‘Hola Kitty, I was wondering if you wanted to come to an Arsenal game tomorrow since you have never been to one and it gives us a chance to hang out. :) ‘

I gave a weak smile at the message, he had wonderful timing. My wonderful best friend Cesc, I quickly typed back that I would love to go. I needed someone who wouldn’t pester me about Fernando and just to get my thoughts away from him for a while.