Right Through Me


“Cesc” I whispered while having my eyes transfixed on the television screen. He hummed continued to watch Eva Longoria’s character get all emotional when a gay couple kept ranting on and on about their adopted daughter.

I gulped hard as the emotions that I have kept in flooded out, “Do you think Mai hates me?”

I bit the inside of my cheek when Cesc finally flickered his dark brown eyes over to me with a confused look. I was glad that during the time I started spending more time with my best friend I came clean about my past.

He wanted to know why I was so distant when it came to discussing kids and marriage. The older man wouldn’t say anything about it when he poured out his feelings of wanting to marry and have kids with his ex.

Cesc saw how tense I was whenever he went into those topics and decided to ask why I would avoid the subject even if it didn’t pertain to me. It’s still a touchy subject for me to discuss but along the way I started to wonder more and more about what my baby girl was up to.

“I don’t think Mai will ever hate you for giving her up”

“Why not? She probably thinks that I don’t love her enough to keep her and thinks I’m a horrible mother. Better yet she probably thinks I’m not even considered her mother since I turned my back on her” I sobbed

I didn’t think I was going to break down like this; I kept my composure for so long after I let her go. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make and yet I couldn’t help but wonder what she looked like, what her personality was.

Did she have light blond hair and grey eyes like me or did she take after Noah?

So many questions buzzed into my head when I saw Eva Longoria’s character get teary eyed at the mention of the couple’s baby girl.

“You didn’t give her away because you didn’t love her Kit. It’s the opposite of that. You did it because you love her” he grabbed my hand as I bit my lip looking away from him “You made sure she went to a loving family because you knew at the time you were incapable of taking care of her”

“She will understand one day that you did it all for her and not for being a selfish mother you assume you are” he whispered to me.

I sniffled with blurry vision feeling his hand lower my head onto his shoulder as tears trickled down my cheeks in trails.

“I never thought you can miss someone so much without even knowing them. The instant she was in my arms I fell in love. I knew I loved her with all my heart and that scared me. It scared me so much that I doubted that I could let her go” I confessed

“All these feelings coming back to me, first Mai now Fernando; it’s all tiring after a while. Fernando wants to hang out one on one soon. Do you think that’s a bit weird?” I lifted my head up looking at the Spaniard that was deep in thought.

“First off, it’s normal to have those feelings about your daughter. She’s your flesh and blood of course you’re going to love her once you held her for the very first time and you will always love her. As for Nando…” he trailed off

He shrugged, “I don’t know what’s going on in that head of his and I don’t want to sound like a broken record but mi amour he still loves you. Always has. Stop being so blind about it, if you look closely you can see the light in his eyes when he looks at you” he tapped my nose gently

I scrunched up my nose as the itchy feeling crawled up from the tip of my nose to the bridge of it before I let out a sneeze. Cesc scooted back when I didn’t cover my mouth in time.

“That was gross; cover your mouth next time”

I rolled my eyes, “Not my fault I’m allergic to your bullshit”

Cesc sighed as he lifted his arm onto the top of the couch leaning forward a bit. His mouth grew stern as he replied, “It’s not bullshit Kit. It’s the truth. The truth you keep running away from, don’t go back to the old Kit. Let out the real Kit and stop hiding behind this façade you built around yourself to shield you from people.”

“None of us are going to hurt you Kit, let down your guard once and a while. It’s okay to let someone in completely” he finished

I crossed my arms turning in my seat facing him, “It’s easier for me to have my guard up. That way when people let me down I won’t be so heartbroken all the time”

“You let me in” he intervened “and I haven’t hurt you. You know I never will even if you won’t admit it to yourself. Fernando hurt you even if you didn’t let him all the way in. That itself is proof that your walls have cracks that you let him sneak in without even knowing. That’s why he knows you so well”

He grabbed the box filled with donuts he took one, taking a huge bite out of it “That’s how I know you so well” with his mouth full. I scrunched up my nose in disgust.

“Eat with your mouth closed” trying to close his mouth when I saw him sticking his tongue out showing me the mashed deep fried bread that covered his teeth and tongue.

Unsuccessful I couldn’t make him do it but he smiled at me making his mouth finally close. He patted my shoulder, “Let’s just forget about all the issues that you have and continue watching the episode”

“You’ve seen this a hundred times”

“But it’s my favorite one” he whined

I couldn’t help but have a giggle escape my lips, “Fine but we better paint our toenails after while sharing more of our feelings” wiggling my fingers at him.

“I promise” he wiggled his eyebrows before focusing on the show.

“Maybe I shouldn’t go”

“Kit for the last time you’re going and that’s final” Cesc said sternly

I huffed, “What if it’s all awkward like the last time! I can’t deal with awkwardness and you of all people know that”

Cesc and I were sitting in the car as the sun shined lightly today while waiting for Fernando to show up. He offered more like forced to drive me to the destination that Fernando and I were going to meet up.

“It won’t be that bad, just talk about random things. You’re pretty good at that” he teased

I refrained from smacking his arm from being so stupid but I went into a panic when I saw Fernando’s Porsche parked near Cesc’s car. My heart started to race when I saw him slide out of the car and walked to the spot where we were suppose to meet.

I snapped my head to Cesc, “I changed my mind! I don’t wanna go. Please don’t make me go!”

“Just go Kit, it won’t kill you”

“What if it does? Then it’s all going to be your fault” I pointed a finger at him

“It’s a risk I’m willing to take, now go before I drag you out of the car by force”

I humped muttering how much of a jerk he was, unbuckling my seatbelt getting out of the car I heard him say “You still love me!”
Closing the car door I flipped him the bird as I saw him laugh and shaking his head at my childish ways. He waved at me before he took off knowing I might want to get back in the car after I calmed down.

He was getting pretty good at predicting my mood swings.

Looking at the brunette Spaniard that was looking away from me before glancing at his watch I couldn’t help but feel bad about thinking of ditching him.

Swallowing my pride I walked towards Fernando with fake confidence and when I was in his sight range his honey brown eyes moved over to me as a smile brightened up his face.

Just with that one smile my heart stopped, still walking over to him I shyly greeted him with a small smile of my own.

“Great to see that you made it” he said as he pushed himself off the wall with his foot.

Tucking a strand of my blond hair behind my ear as a blush crept up on my face, “I’m glad too”
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Awww, Nando is being so sweet so far and I'm so pumped for the next one. Something huge is going to happen that might take things up to speed. Thank you for your comments and hope you enjoyed this chapter. comment and subscribe