Right Through Me

“So how have you been?” Fernando asked as we casually walked down the streets of London.

I shrugged, “Okay, I guess. Had a few bumps on the road but nothing I can’t handle” I lied. I hated that I wasn’t being completely honest with Fernando but he didn’t need to know. I couldn’t handle the things that have been thrown my way, and I couldn’t stop but think of Noah and Alan when I told Fernando.

The Spaniard was quite for a moment, looking at me with a small smile before he shook his head in laughter. I furrowed my eyebrows at his random laughter, “What’s so funny Mr. Torres? Care to share?” I asked with a hint of happiness in my voice.

That made Fernando smile even more before licking his lips, “After all this time… I still know when you’re lying to me” I tensed realizing that I couldn’t hide anything from this man; I peered up at him to find that he has been staring at me.

His eyes consisted of such intensity that I had to back away from him a couple of steps not knowing how to react to his constant gaze. Ever since I have bumped into him at the Chelsea/Arsenal game he has been giving me the same look most of the time.

It kind of scared me how powerful that one look was and didn’t like when I was the person he gave it too. The pit of my stomach twisted when his gaze was on me again and I tried to smile brightly at him as we continued to walk when I saw that I stopped when he stared at me.

“Not surprised that you can still see right through me. You always did, ever since I first met you” I murmured honestly.

It was true, even when we first met and we had a language barrier between us he still knew when I was lying. He would scrunch his face when I told him something, not knowing what the hell I just said he would tell me I lied in broken English.

‘You lie. You lie’

I smiled softly at the memories, still amazed that after months of not being around each other. Not seeing each other or even talking to one another he still knows me like that back of his hand. Five months. It’s been five months since the break up and my heart still bled from when he first told me he couldn’t handle me anymore.

Biting the inside of my lip, I grew curious. I blew out a foggy breath, “How are you and Li? Going strong I assume?”

I knew that it was probably a touchy subject to start off but I didn’t want to be pondering about this subject for too long to the point where I’m going crazy only thinking about that and not concentrate on what he might say later on during the day.

Fernando’s eyebrows furrowed, “Li and I? What do you mean by still going strong?” confusion was written all over his face, something that I wasn’t thinking he would have.

I thought he might be angry and start yelling, possibly stomping off in rage but no, he just stood still staring at me in the middle of town asking me what I meant. Brushing my light blond hair back I answered, “Like you know” I gestured with my fingers trying to get him to understand without me explaining further.

I wanted to throw myself under the bus when I still saw the same expression on his face. It didn’t work in the slightest. “You and Li…as a couple I mean.”

We stood there for the longest minute of my life; waiting to see how he would react to something like this. My mind started to reel at the possibilities of him doing something like rolling his eyes and mumbling how unbelievable I was being.

Or that I haven’t changed a bit, putting Li and him in the spotlight. A couple other scenarios plagued my mind as we just stood there like complete buffoons before Fernando’s lips creased into a small smile as a chuckle tumbled out of his lips.

Suddenly that small chuckle continued to a full blown laugh, bending over his hands on his knees shaking his head. I think he has lost his mind. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea coming alone, but Cesc was long gone by now and the only way back to Cesc’s house was either walking or Fernando driving me.

I blinked. Maybe I should take Fernando to get some help since he thought that asking him and Li were just sending him into chuckles. He stopped laughing wiping the tears that fell down his eyes blowing out a long breath smiling widely at me.

“My dear Kit, still having the same ideas in that crazy brain of yours” I mumbled something about him being crazy since he has been laughing for no damn reason. He continued “I’m not with her”

I whipped my head around with huge grey eyes, “Come again?” my mind went blank staring at the tall Spaniard that stepped closer to me with a soft expression on his face. Fernando took my hand dragging me somewhere more private as he puts it so we won’t be front covers of some tabloid magazine.

Finally we reached some isolated corner around a building as I leaned on it to regain my composure; maybe whatever he said to me was all in my mind. Fernando was right when he says I’m crazy, hell. I do believe that I might be slightly crazy from the way I act.

Fernando crossed his arms before he repeated what he said before he dragged me away, “I’m. Not. With. Her.” he replied slowly yet strongly wanting to know that whatever I made up in my brain was completely and utterly false.

“You’re not?” I croaked “Not even a little?”

He shook his head, scoffing slightly “How can I be with Li when I’m still head over heels in love with you?”

My heart stopped at his mere confession, seeing that he was telling me the truth. My lips started to quiver letting out a watery laugh. It’s too good to be true that someone like him would be still in love with someone like me.

“How is that possible? You still being in love with me? It doesn’t make any sense” I murmured hitting my head on the brick wall.

“Love never makes sense Kit. It never cares about what type of person you are, what you do, what you wear. Love comes naturally and I strongly believe that you Kit are the person I’m supposed to be with not Li. I know you have been pushing me away ever since Li walked in thinking that she was the person I belonged with.” He paused for a minute wiping the tears away from my cheeks.

“She’s not the one that belongs with me… you are. Only you. When are you going to see that Kit?” he questioned with slight hurt swirling in his honey brown eyes.

I pursed my lips sniffling not knowing what to say, I inhaled deeply before letting out a shaky breath. “Because she’s everything I’m not. Someone who can give you things that I can’t; she’s more stable, beautiful, she’s perfect and I’m just… this” responded with disgust.

“I hate myself Fernando. That’s my major down fall; I will admit that it is because it makes me paranoid that you’re cheating on me even when you’re not. I don’t feel good about myself and I do want to change but seeing how I am. I just don’t know” I mumbled at the end, confused.

Fernando pushed my blond locks away from my face as his huge hands were on both sides of my cheeks, “You are beautiful Kit” I scoffed “Look at me” he said softly, he said it with such tenderness that I found myself locking eyes with him.

“I don’t care about your flaws; everybody has them. You don’t think that I have them? Li? Everyone does and no matter if you believe me or not but sometimes I thought that you can do better than me. I was scared that you might find someone else that understood you more and helped you with your problems. That was one of the reasons why I broke up with you, as childish as that sound”

“Why would you want someone like me? I’m so broken. You can have some other woman who has fewer problems and you can live an easier life. That's what I want for you” I whispered feeling his forehead lean on mine.

“Because you’re you. You might be one of the most difficult woman I have ever been with but you couldn’t be more perfect for me. You are more real than any other woman I have been with, you don’t hold back on anything. You are completely honest with me and tell me when I’m a jackass and doesn’t let me walk all over you. You’re a strong and independent woman, someone I can see having a future with.” Our noses brushed

“Can you understand why I wanted to take things to the next level with you? Do you see why I am so certain to have kids with you? To marry you? Can you?” he muttered.

I swallowed hard, this was a heavier conversation than I have realized. Something we both need even if it was the first conversation we really had within five months of separation. It’s like we have never been apart, just talking like this.

I did think that this was a bit hardcore for a first friendly hang out in a long while but who are we kidding? We were lovers; it was inevitable that something like this was bound to happen.

Raising my hand up to one of his hand that were on my cheeks, I took it from my face and laced my fingers together with his. My watery eyes I answered “I do see. Very clearly” I smiled.

He smiled back, “Finally” as he closed the gap between us and for the first time in a long time I have felt complete. When his lips touched mine it dawned on me how much of a complete fool I was being on being so crazy and paranoid around him.

Hopefully I can get a chance to prove that.