Right Through Me

After that confrontational lunch that I had with Alex and Yolanda, I decided to head back home and not hang around them at this time. It was too depressing on my part since I have revealed what I really wanted or did not want with Fernando to be exact.

They wanted me to be understanding and compromise but I can't compromise with marriage and children. I yelled in frustrated that the never ending confusion that I have in my mind now because of those two women.

As much as I love them, they really pushed the wrong buttons this time around, not every woman wants marriage and kids. You can still be happy without any of that stuff, only if your partner has the same beliefs as you though.

Unfortunately mine doesn't, all he talks about is wanting to start a family, wanting us to be husband and wife. All I do is smile at him and change the subject like I was always do when I disagree with something.

I could see the frustration he has in his eyes when I don't give my input on those serious subjects, shoving a pillow in my face as I heard Yolanda's words echo in my mind repeatedly.

"Fernando will only be there for a certain amount of time, he could give up on your relationship anytime he wants, yet he still stays with you hoping that you will change your mind. It could be a matter of time before he meets someone else who will give him what you won't"

I knew that he could find someone who shares the same beliefs as him and he could leave me flat on my ass, but I don't think he would do that to me. Would he? As I mulled over on what Yolanda said, my phone blasted a familiar ring tone.

Throwing the pillow that was smashed into my face across the room and I picked up the phone with a nonchalant greeting. "Hello?" I was too tired to even pretend that I was having a fantastic day, to hide my feelings like I always did.

Today was draining for me and I didn't care who heard the despair in my voice. "Kitty?" I sat up on my bed as the color on my face drained completely, feeling it pale. Hanging up the phone again as my heart accelerated again.

I cursed at the person who has the guts to call me continuously and pounded on the bed furiously wanting that person to just disappear from my life like they did four years ago. Tears welled up in my eyes, I hated that person.

They put me through hell and back, using me for their own good and dragging me down with them in a downward spiral of my own personal hell. I have never been so depressed in my life at the time.

My teenage years were so bland and hearing my parents fight constantly just made me get out of the house more as my father started to drink heavily at night. Seeing all those liquor bottles on the floor, my father passed out at times.

Others he's yelling at my mother, accusing her of cheating on him when she hasn't. I wanted to forget it all and that one person who made me forget it all, I don't want back in my life anymore. I never knew that person had this affect on me still after all these years.

It sickened me to my stomach, my stomach tightened as the visual of the person entered my mind. Shaking my head to get rid of the image that was displayed in my head, grabbing my head as hot tears flooded down my cheeks.

I wanted to forget, I really did and I was successful until they called me the first time. For the first time in four years, I was actually scared of what might happened if they found me. Found Fernando.

Fernando doesn't know about my past at all, I was too scared to share the details with him when he asked. I just told him that my parents fought a lot and ended up getting a divorce when I was 16.

He doesn't know about what actually happened because I am afraid to see what he's reaction might be. He might leave me on that alone if I did tell him, he knew about my trust issues and still stuck with me.

Feeling the bed sink on one side, I moved my head to see my loving boyfriend looking at me in question. Wiping my tears away, he laid next to me without a word as he stroked my pale cheek looking deep in my eyes.

Those soft gestures was all I needed, it said I'm here for you, I love you. He didn't need to say those words because I knew what he meant with just actions. Pecking his soft lips as a thank you and buried myself into him.

His fingers ran through my hair as I drifted off into sleep. Squinting at the brightness of the room as I checked the time seeing that I was asleep for an hour, Fernando not by my side any more. I got up and walked down stairs smelling an unfamiliar aroma.

Stepping into the kitchen, I saw Fernando serving the food that he made onto two plates. I smiled at the sweet gesture as I took my plate. "Thank you Nando. I'm starving!"

He chuckled when I ran to the table and quickly prayed before I dug in. He sat across from me as he ate his food with me. I moaned in delight at the delicious food that he always makes, giving me a taste of what real Spanish food taste like.

"Kit?" I looked up to see him staring at me with such emotion that it threw me off a bit at his serious face. Wiping the excess food on the corner of my mouth with a napkin "Yeah?"

"When do you want to start a family with me?" I dropped my fork on the plate, as I sighed in frustration at the question. Of course, Alex and Yolanda's conversation with me has come back to bite me in the ass.

"Nando, you know I don't-"

"Want to have kids. I know, but still mi amour. Wouldn't you just consider just having one with me? That's all I ask" he grabbed my hand, knowing I was about to make a break for it. "I love you Kit and having children with you would be simply amazing."

I heard the desperation in his voice but I ignored it and went with my gut "Fernando, you know I don't want any. Our lives are perfect, just the way they are." I put simply, wanting him to see my side for once.

He banged his fist on the table "Damn it Kit! Why are you so against having children! There's nothing with starting a family, you always knew I wanted kids-"

"I know you want kids Fernando, but God we don't need to have any! I just have my reasons of not having children. Can't you respect that?!" I screamed, my blood boiled as the anger continued to build up inside of me.

Fernando's face was beet red with malice as he glared at me "Whatever, Kit" jaw tightened at the words and stomped out of the kitchen and into our bedroom. Hearing the door slam, I sunk onto to the floor.

Tears spilled out, knowing what I just said was so wrong. I didn't tell him the truth, I didn't want to have kids is because I'm afraid of not being a good parent. Having a dark past, I don't think I'm suited for being a mother.

I didn't know what a good mother is suppose to be like since mine was in her own world all the time. Getting up, I headed to bed seeing that Fernando as already went to bed. I changed into my pajamas and crawled into bed.

Timidly scooting closer to Fernando and hugging him from behind "Nando, I'm so sor-" He yanked my arms away from his body. "Just go to sleep Kit" hearing the coldness in his voice.

My mouth went dry at his bitterness and couldn't help but have my lips quiver at his rejection. "Please Nando, forgive me" I said weakly. I wanted to know that we were okay, that nothing was going to tear us apart.

Not hearing a word from him, I turned having my back facing his as I stared at the wall. Scared what was going to happen in the morning and wanting Fernando to stop ignoring me, I never felt so lonely sleeping in this bed.

And it's all because of me.