Right Through Me

It’s been a month since I have spoken to Fernando, it’s driving me crazy. I cried every night, the gap in my heart that he hasn’t come back yet. It is a long time since I have seen him, my heart feels heavy. Like I can’t go on, it has been dragging me down after the first few days.

I was starting to think he was never coming back. Noah also entered my mind, thinking that he has found Fernando and told him about what I have been hiding from him all this time. My aching heart feels like it has been bleeding nonstop when I see a picture of Fernando and me hanging on our walls.

My eyes swelled up when I past the picture of Fernando and I at the World Cup smiling like silly teenagers that didn’t have a care in the world. I can’t stand being in the house any longer; feel constricted in this house that keeps haunting my thoughts of my lovely Spaniard.

Grabbing my gray pea coat, slipping on my black knee high boots; I swung the door open feeling the sun that finally decided to come out after all this time. It was like the weather depicted what I was feeling this past month, sad and gloomy.

But I was feeling a bit better, trying to be optimistic that Fernando would come home. My mind started to wander off as to why he hasn’t contacted me after all this time. Was he really through with me that he doesn’t even bother to contact me?

Does he hate me now and moved on? Nibbling on my bottom pink lip as I slipped on the shades to cover my eyes from the sunlight. I wandered into town, just wanting to get away from everything at the time. Pepe, Yolanda, Stevie, and Alex have all been trying to contact me, leaving me messages trying to reassure me that Fernando would come back to his senses.

For some reason, I just couldn’t believe them. In my heart I just felt like something is wrong, something was different about today that would set me off. That would throw me over the edge and into the fiery pits of flames that I called hell.

Walking pass a newsstand, my eyes flickered to a random magazine and didn’t pay attention to it. Once it registered in my mind, my body froze. It went ridged in mid stride as I heard the pounding of my heart in my ears.

Walking back to the newsstand, ignoring the middle aged man that was eyeing me suspiciously. The title of the magazine just threw me for a loop. “Is Fernando Torres moving to Chelsea?” snatching the magazine, I flipped through it to find the page.

It couldn’t be true, but I quickly read it. Explaining how Fernando requested a transfer to the football club but was denied. How Chelsea put a bid on him but Liverpool declined that as well, a thousand thoughts swirled in my mind.

The tingling sensation spread throughout my body, feeling the numbness all the way to my core. He can’t leave, not now. Not ever. Placing the magazine back in its place as I shoved my hand into my pocket and dialed Pepe’s number quickly.

Tapping my foot as I waited, it was taking longer than usual so I started to walk back to my house. It went to his voicemail and my blood boiled that he wouldn’t pick up the phone. In blind fury I ran as fast as I could to Pepe’s house.

Pounding on the door with my fists yelling for Pepe to come out, hearing someone cursing on the other side of the door. Pepe finally opened the door with a blank expression, he looked a bit annoyed. “Kit, don’t pound on my door. We just put Grecia and Alma to sleep.”

He closed the door behind him when he saw my stormy gray eyes get a bit darker, he knew something was wrong. He walked to the steps and sat down, waiting for me to join him. I couldn’t even bear the thought of sitting down, having so many thoughts swirling around.

Leaning on the side of the pole as I looked down at Pepe, “Is it true?” I whispered. Pepe’s brown eyes peered up at me, seeing the guilt that he has on his face was all I needed to see. Leaning forward, placing his elbows on his knees.

“About Fernando leaving Liverpool? Yes.” He muttered. I was glad that he didn’t lie to me, also the fact he knew I would explode if he did try to hide it. He turned his whole body towards me as his frown creased even more.

“He talked to me about it the other day, that he doesn’t feel that happy here anymore. He needed to move on, that he wanted to start fresh-“

“Why didn’t he tell me?” I cut in. He took a deep breath as he shrugged, saying he doesn’t know why Fernando hasn’t told me yet but he has reassured me that he would tell me soon enough. I saw that his eyes were wandering off, and then he stood up from the steps.

Touching my shoulder, “Your about to find out right now.” He nodded behind me and walked inside his house, my eyebrows furrowed as I turned back to see that Fernando has just parked in the driveway. Even from here I could tell how distant he was being, he beckoned me over to him.

Like a lost puppy, I bee lined to him and followed inside the house that felt so empty when he wasn’t here. Even though he was here, it still felt so cold in this house, so lonely even though he was physically here, it felt like he wasn’t mentally here.

He stayed silent as he walked into our room, standing near the doorway I couldn’t stand being in silence. “Is it true that your transferring to Chelsea?” I asked cautiously. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into, he might yell or tell me off.

But he didn’t. He just stood there with this unknown expression on his face, and just nodded. He started to tell me exactly what Pepe just told me, but I felt like he was hiding something from me.

I asked him if he was okay but his dark eyes turned cold and hard, “No I’m not. How come you didn’t tell me?”

Raising a questioning brow at him, waiting for him to elaborate on what he just asked me. He ran a hand down his face, “Someone named Noah talked to me yesterday.” My body tensed when I heard his name, no. He couldn’t have told him.

“Noah told me about your past. How you use to be a sex addict, that you would do anything for it. That you had a child.” He stopped himself when he said the last word, it made him choke up. I knew how hard it was for him.

The knot formed in my throat as I walked over to him, “I was ashamed of telling you that I was a sex addict. I was lost Fernando. I didn’t know who to turn to; having my father being an abusive alcoholic wasn’t helping. I tried to escape the reality by having sex with Noah and others that would give me money for it.” I paused for a second to see how he was reacting to this.

So far his eyes went a bit wide but kept quiet, “I did have a child. A daughter to be exact, but I didn’t keep her. I felt like I couldn’t take care of her and put her up for adoption. I knew it was the right choice even though it was so hard for me to let go.” I muttered.

Tears formed in my eyes, “Do you know where your daughter is?” I shook my head telling him that it was a closed adoption so I have no idea where she is at this time. I didn’t want her to know what kind of person I was.

Finally telling Fernando that I feel like I wasn’t fit for a mother was relieving since now he knows why I don’t want any children. He snaked his arm around me as he asked, “Did you know her name?”

A sad smile appeared on my face, “Mai Valentine” he leaned his head on mine as I softly embraced this feeling of security that he gave to me. But I heard footsteps coming near our room but ignored it.

“Nando, are you in here?” my eyes shot open to see this Asian woman standing near the doorway. Dark brown eyes piercing into mine and quickly looked to Fernando. I scooted away from him as his eyes continued to stay on the woman.

“Li? I told you to stay in the car.” He said sternly. She crossed her arms as she sauntered over to him, “I was worried about you. Are you going to pack your things or not?” she asked softly.

I couldn’t even process what was going on in my mind, but I asked “Who are you?” The woman turned towards me and smiled “I’m Li Gomes, nice to meet you.” I just nodded my head as she introduced herself.

But I really wanted to know why she asked if Fernando was going to start packing his things. Praying that whatever she was talking about wasn’t something I was hoping that would never happen.