Friends With Benefits

I never asked Will what he had done on Halloween. Even though I knew the odds were he had attended Kelly’s party and gone to bed with some random girl whose name he couldn’t remember, I had to imagine him staying at home in his room all evening just to hold on to my sanity. Halloween also marked two weeks until Will’s eighteenth birthday and so, the following morning, I basically bribed Fletch to take me to the mall to go shopping. Fletch had driven me home the night before when our movie marathon finished around two in the morning, and he hadn’t been keen on the idea of birthday shopping for Will. I promised to help him pick out his own nice but reasonably priced gift as well as pay for a snack at the food court. Fletch only agreed to go once I promised I wouldn’t wake him up before noon to go.

I called Fletch at exactly one o’clock to remind him he had to come get me and, after a sleepy and somewhat muffled reply, he hung up. I had to call three more times before Fletch was sufficiently cognizant enough to get up off his lazy butt and pick me up. He wasn’t very happy when his car pulled up in front of my house and he made a really catty remark about if Will had ever texted me back. We drove in relative silence to the mall, occasionally slapping each others' hands away from the radio dials. I was about ready to tear Fletch limb from limb when we arrived in the mall parking lot because of his facial expressions to every song I picked out on the radio. I hopped out of the car just as he did the same, slamming the driver side door shut.

“What are we doing this for again?” Fletch muttered.

“Will’s birthday present, you dolt!” I snorted.

“Why should we get Will a birthday present?” Fletch grimaced.

“He always gets us a present,” I pointed out. “And you loved that Xbox game he got you for your birthday, didn’t you? Will always gives good presents and we would be awful friends not to attempt to do the same…”

“Got any ideas?” Fletch asked me.

“I’m working on it. And no, you can’t take my present idea again this year,” I glowered.

“Maybe you should buy some sexy lingerie and tell Will his present is getting to see you in it,” Fletch mused. “Oh right, you want to get him a good gift, not one that would make him throw up…”

“Well, it’s good to know you’d never think about me in my underwear,” I snorted to Fletch. “I’ll definitely think twice before letting you anywhere near me in any state of undress if it’s going to make you ill. It’s actually a real relief, not having to worry if you find me attractive…”

“Quit twisting my words,” Fletch hissed at me.

“Maybe I should get myself something sexy to wear to Will’s party,” I pondered. “You know, something low cut and tight… something that might show off all of that lingerie that would make you sick…”

“Cut it out, Lenny,” Fletch demanded. “It isn’t funny any more…”

“Will’s favorite color is green… I bet something with black lace would go really well with that… don’t you think?” I continued. “Maybe I should pick out some stilettos of leather boots to complete it all… let Will know I really mean business…”

“Shut up,” Fletch ordered.

“Why? You’ve given me the perfect idea,” I said. “I feel stupid not thinking about it before…”

“So, what? You’re going to give will your virginity for his birthday?” Fletch snorted.

“What makes you think I’m a virgin?” I asked Fletch pointedly.

“Please, Lenny,” Fletch rolled his eyes. “Name the last guy you let get passed second base…” He paused for a minute then added in a whisper: “Excluding me, of course…”

“Now you need to shut up,” I hissed at him.

“You know, it doesn’t matter if you buy sexy underwear for Will anyway,” Fletch sneered, “considering I’ll probably be the person who ends up taking it off anyway…”

“Can we just get this over with? We’re getting nowhere fast,” I grimaced.

“Whatever,” Fletch rolled his eyes.

Fletch ended up finding his present for Will first, picking out a CD and some fuzzy dice for Will’s car. I commented to Fletch that his gifts were lackluster at best, not exactly deserving of someone who was supposed to be your best friend. Fletch told me I was putting too much thought into something Will probably wouldn’t use all that much anyway. After a hour of shopping and a fifteen minute snack break to stop Fletch’s whining, I still hadn’t found anything I thought would be a perfect match for Will. I even contemplated making him something myself, but knew that would most likely end up disastrously. I was utterly frustrated that I couldn’t find anything and my ire was only compounded by Fletch annoyingly slurping his soda straw every five minutes right behind him.

“Get him a Chia Pet,” Fletch suggested. “Or a Snuggie… What about a one of those perfect omelet makers…”

“You need to quit watching infomercials,” I snorted.

I ended up picking out a new watch for Will, knowing his old one had busted a few days ago during football practice. The old one had just told time, but I found an atomic watch that included a calculator, stop watch, barometer, thermometer with wind chill factor, a compass, and night settings. Since it was on sale, I managed to get it for a little over thirty dollars, though Fletch chastised me for spending so much money. The real cost of the watch was just under sixty dollars and I was proud of myself for getting Will something so expensive, even if I hadn’t paid full price.

“Why’d you have to get him something to expensive?” Fletch muttered. “It’s not like he deserves it.”

“I wanted to get it for him,” I replied tersely.

“Yeah, but it’s that a little much to be spending on something he’s just going to break in two weeks?” Fletch shrugged. “You never get me anything that expensive for my birthday…”

“What are you talking about?” I snorted.

“Well, you got me gum for my last birthday,” Fletch shrugged.

“Only because when I asked you what you wanted for your birthday, you told me not to bother because I’d end up getting you something lame like a pack of gum,” I rolled my eyes. “You know, maybe I’d get you better gifts if you weren’t such an ass, if you were someone I actually enjoyed being around…”

“You enjoyed me an awful lot Thursday night…” Fletch smirked,

I hated him for bringing up two nights before when, nervous about Fletch again choosing Kelly’s party over me for another year, I decided to distract myself with Fletch’s lips. We were only supposed to be working on homework together, but it turned into us ordering a pizza since our parents were out and eventually turned into me sitting on the kitchen counter with Fletch standing between my spread legs, kissing me and ever so lightly feeling up what was under my shirt. The sound of his parents’ car and Kristy whining about having to go to open house night at her school broke us apart and sent us back to doing what we were supposed to be.

“You’re such a pig,” I glowered at him. “Look, we got what we came for. Just take me home.”

“You’ve got an attitude, missy,” Fletch snorted.

“Yeah, well you must have rubbed off on me then,” I glowered.

“You never seemed to mind me rubbing up against you before,” Fletch whispered into my ear throatily.

“You sound like Luke Garretson,” I snorted. Fletch paled and then stalked off behind me out of the mall and to the car.

Fletch was still mad when we got to his car as evidenced by the way he peeled out of the parking lot, going about eighty in a thirty zone. I hissed at him to slow down before he got a ticket and he obliged, but only after nearly sideswiping a bus bench. He slowed down as he took a curve too fast, nearly knocking his glasses off of his face. I hated that Fletch let his emotions get the better of him when he was driving and I didn’t hold my tongue.

“You’re going to get us both killed. Seriously, you shouldn’t be driving if you’re going to be a complete maniac,” I glowered at him.

“Sorry,” Fletch muttered.

“One day, someone is going to really piss you off, and you’re going to get into a bad car crash,” I glowered. “And then what will you do, huh?”

“I said sorry, Aileen,” Fletch rolled his eyes. “Why do you have to be such a damn broken record?”

“Because I’m in the car, dumbass,” I snorted. “And believe me, I don’t want some story in the newspaper or on TV about how I died will riding in Fletcher Murphy’s car. The last thing I want is your name mentioned anywhere near my obituary.”

“Oh, so if I was by myself, you wouldn’t care if I drove myself off a cliff or anything?” Fletch questioned with a snort.

“If you drove yourself off a cliff, all it would prove to me is how completely asinine you are,” I snorted. “If you did something like that, I’d tell everyone at your funeral that you had it coming.”

“Then I’d haunt you for the rest of your life,” Fletch shot back. “That way, you’d never be rid of me. I’d be the most annoying ghost ever.”

“You’re the most annoying alive person ever, so it wouldn’t be much difference,” I snarled.

“Shut up, Aileen,” Fletch hissed at me as he pulled up to his house.

“Mature comeback,” I snorted.

“Dammit, I said shut up Aileen,” Fletch repeated.

“You shut up, Fletcher,” I glowered.

“Aileen,” Fletch hissed.

“Fletcher,” I shot back.

We glowered a each other, holding our angry gazes as he put the car in park in his driveway. The moment was really tense and then, for some reason, Fletch and I both cracked a grin and started laughing at how ridiculous we were being. The laughter continued as we giddily stumbled into his living room where Kristy was putting stickers all over her new notebook.

“What’s so funny?” Kristy asked us.

“Stuff,” Fletch replied with a shrug.

“What’s going on, Kris?” I asked her with a smile.

“Megan Bartley accidentally opened a locker in Susie Sander’s face and now Susie has this huge bruise and is nervous because she’s going out on a date with Bobby Thurston tonight,” Kristy shrugged.

“Are eighth graders allowed to date?” I frowned.

“Will dated,” Fletch pointed out. “Of course, things were different back when we were in eighth grade.”

“So, who’s Bobby Thurston?” I asked Kristy.

“Well, everyone thinks he’s this total hottie, but I think his eyes are spaced too close together,” Kristy shrugged. “Anyway, Susie is mad because she thinks Megan did it on purpose since Megan totally has a think for Bobby and has been flirting with him like crazy since she asked him to the Sadie Hawkins dance in September and he said he’d love to go, but he was having his braces put on that afternoon and wouldn’t be well enough to come.”

“Oh, the exciting life of middle-schoolers,” Fletch snorted.

“Hey, at least my stories about middle school are actually interesting,” Kristy snorted. “When you were in middle school, all you did was come home every day and whine and moan about you wanted to hook up with…”

“Wow, Kristy, I never divulge information about your personal life to random people,” Fletch cut her off. “It’s not like I’ve ever told anyone you have a huge crush on that Justin Beaver guy…”

“Fletcher!” Kristy shrieked.

“Aileen probably doesn’t even know who Justin Beaver is,” Fletch rolled his eyes.

“Fletch, that’s mean thing to do to your little sister,” I glowered at him. “And I should known. Matt’s put me through an inordinate amount of torture throughout the years.”

“Whatever,” Fletch rolled his eyes before looking at his sister. “You need to shut your trap, Kris, before it gets you in trouble one day.”

“I don’t understand what’s the problem,” Kristy frowned. “I thought Aileen knew by now that you…”

“Kristy,” Fletch glowered.

“It’s okay, Kristy,” I shrugged. “I already know about Ivy.” Kristy exchanged a look with her brother I didn’t understand.

“If she already knows about Ivy, why are you acting like it’s such a big deal?” Kristy asked him with a smirk.

“Shut up,” Fletch hissed at her.

“So, are you guys dating yet?” Kristy asked us.

“What? No!” Fletch growled.

“Why would you think that?” I grimaced at her.

“Well, you looked pretty cozy Thursday afternoon…” Kristy shrugged.

“Learn to mind your own damn business,” Fletch hissed at Kristy before turning to me. “I’m gonna change into my work uniform and then I’ll be back to take you home.”

“Okay,” I shrugged. He turned and then I suddenly realized I was left awkwardly alone in the room with Kristy. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other as Kristy looked at me skeptically.

“I’m glad you aren’t dating my brother,” Kristy said finally. “He’s a jerk.”

“Tell me about it,” I snorted. Fletch then rushed down the stairs, giving the two of us confused looks before I finally suggested he take me home.