Almost Easy

For many nights after my mother’s untimely death I'd dream, as mundane as that sounds. I'd dream of my mother, she'd sit and just talk to me whilst I tried so desperately to get my mouth to open and for speech to come out but it never would. Some nights she would hold a tiny baby girl in her arms, the baby was a lot like Mischief in her features but she looked so much more like myself, it made my body ache with the need to touch her, hold her and place kisses all over her face, but again I was never aloud too close to her.

I'd wake up in a cold sweat, whispering 'Alani' and clutching the quilt tightly. It was safe to say I had freaked Jimmy out and he had told me he was considering taking me to a therapist, but at the same time he'd always been worried about the fact we never mentioned Alani, like she never was. Truth of the matter was I feel as if dwelling on something like that was a waste of time.

Opening my eyes on the first day of the fourth week since my mother had died I felt empty. I looked next to me and noticed Jimmy had moved Isaiah into the bed with us and he had his arm protectively around him. My baby boy looked so content as he snuggled with his dad and sucked happily on his pacifier, my heart ached for my own father figure, I hadn't seen Matt the last week or so, he only ever wanted to be alone.

Deciding in that moment I wanted to go see him, I pulled myself out of bed, sliding on the pyjama pants that lay on the floor before walking silently out of the room, down the stairs and out of the house. The cool January air nipped at my bare skin and I shivered as my body slid onto the cold leather seats of my car.

The roads were empty as I drove, I guess because it was 8am on a sunday. I hadn't cried much since Mom died, I didn't want Jim to see me as weak... Even though I knew very well he wouldn't. I wanted to be with my brother right now, not in a weird way, but just because I needed the comfort of being near him.

Ever since I can remember Matthew was there, being a brother and a father, he taught me a lot of life lessons and made sure I had a safe place with him and now as I pulled into his driveway I felt like a child. Getting out I walked briskly over the grass, it was wet from the rains and felt surprisingly nice on the bottom of my bare feet.

Knocking three times, I waited and eventually Val opened the door. She looked slightly concerned as I quietly asked to see my brother 'Upstairs babe, in bed'

After checking he had clothes on, I nearly ran up the stairs and to his bedroom, stopping at the doorframe I saw him laying staring at the roof, my guard fell down and tears were starting to fall 'Matt?'

He sat straight up, I'm assuming as my tone sounded broken 'Kyler...? Are you crying? What's wrong? C'mere!' He spoke all at once holding his arms out to me, I wasted no time falling into his embrace, feeling content as I felt them around me and my head was buried in his chest, his scent was calming.

I let myself cry as hard as I wanted, letting it all out. Matt didn't say a word, kissing the top of my head; he sat and let me cry myself to sleep.

-

The second time I opened my eyes from sleep today, I was sprawled out in Val and Matt's bed, Matt was gone out of it, but Mischief replaced him. I sat up and pulled him into my arms, marvelling at how heavy he was getting and how big he looked in general.

His blue eyes fluttered open and he gave me a grin that nearly made me burst out in tears, how could he be so precious to me when in the last four weeks I've nearly spent no time with him at all? Guilt rolled through my body but I pushed the feeling away as I grinned back at the miniature Jimmy and Matt that lay in my lap. He whinged pushing his arms up at me and I lifted him, his little arms found their way around my neck and he just lay with his head on my shoulder.

Rocking, I told him stories about my mother, I knew he couldn’t understand but it was nice cause I knew he would listen... if only not to hear the sound of my voice.

'I'm worried about you Sanders' Jimmy's voice flooded my ears, turning I spotted him at the door frame 'I know your mother died, but I feel like yourself and I do not communicate anymore'

'What?' I snapped at him a little, I was sort of dumbfounded at this sudden attack. I hadn’t seen it coming.

'We. Don’t. Communicate.' Crossing his arms over his chest, he was nearly snarling at me.

His body language told me I'd get no reasonable conversation out of him, a life time of having to gauge my father’s body language had at least taught me that much, Jimmy was closing himself off to any other opinion other than that of his own.

Swinging my legs off the bed, whilst not taking my eyes of my fiancé’s cold blue ones, I tried to leave the room, taking Mischief away from this tense environment was what was best for him. But Jimmy put his arm out to stop me.

'So help me god' I whispered under my breath 'Move your fucking arm James'

'Talk to me' He whispered just as harshly 'once in your life talk to me like I'm your boyfriend!'

Looking up I could see the desperation in his eyes and I felt guilty, I had been neglecting him but he hadn't made a move to help me feel better either. Staring at each other for a few long moments I groaned out loud before pulling him along behind me.

Giving Isaiah to Matt, I stormed off out the back door and onto the patio forcing Jimmy to sit down before I pulled one of the chairs really close so our knee's were touching and sat down myself.

'Talk' I muttered.

'What’s the point?' He said, sounding like a child. He pulled out his phone and started messing around on it.

I watched him for a moment before my temper got the better of me and I snatched it out of his hands and threw it over the patio, listening as it smashed on the concrete 'Don't fuck around with me boy'

'I don't think this is working out' He said straight out, causing my jaw to drop 'Maybe it’s time we move on'

'We have a son, a home...and I thought we had each other' I whispered, I could feel a numbness creeping up over me, my initial reaction of heartbreak disappeared, and I felt annoyance. Taking a moment I finally spoke again 'This better not be a game James'

'I'm as serious as a heart attack Kyler. We don't communicate. We spend no time together and frankly I don't think I feel the same about this anymore'

'Please don't do this' I could feel myself starting to beg as I whispered to him 'I love you, I'll try harder!'

'No, it isn’t working. God knows we've tried so hard, so so hard' He looked away and I bit my lip, watching his chest rise and fall as he waited and waited for my reply, to see if I'd fall apart.

Removing the ring on my finger, I grabbed his hand, pushing his long slender fingers open and placing the ring in his palm before I shut his fingers again, lingering for a short moment enjoying the soft warmth of his skin. Eventually I stood, leaning down to be in front of his face 'I love you. I don’t care if you don’t love me, or if you don’t ever love me again but you need to know that it'll always be you for me' Leaning in I kissed his forehead before turning on my heel, feeling my eyes start to sting with the threat of tears as I went back into the house a single mother, with no real purpose.