Gone Too Soon

We were friends the moment we met.

"Don't worry about me." He would always say
"I'll always worry about you." I would always say back
"Why?"
"You're my friend and I-... You're my friend" I never told him I loved him.

I remember that day so horrible.
I was right there with him, he was scared and he felt alone even with me by his side. Funny how we can feel alone in a room full of people.

"I'm sorry Mr. Hart you have leukemia."
"What?" Numbness filled his body
"I will be here to answer any questions you have." The doctor looked at us with a sympathetic gaze
"I don't believe you! Do the test again!" Joel demanded.
"Joel calm down please!" What a stupid plead, I know, how can you tell that to a man who just discovered something like this to calm down, but I wanted him to be okay I was scared.
"Shut up Ada!" He said, I looked at him with shocked eyes, he had never said something like that to me.

The doctor got me out of the room and said
"I think it would be best if you two went home now, and come back when he has calmed down, we can discuss treatment options then."
"He can be cured right! His going to be okay right!"
"We'll do everything we can, but right now he won't listen to any of that."

I held in the tears threatening to fall, as I walked back in the room. Joel was sitting there just staring at the floor, his eyes unfocused.
"Come on Joel." I said touching his arm softly "Let’s go home."
He said nothing but stood up and followed me to his car, I took the car keys and drove him home.

"Do you want anything to eat?" I asked, trying to do something, anything to get his, and my mind off of it.
He didn't say anything instead he sat on the couch.
I wanted to cry but I had to try and be strong.
I made food, I made pasta it was always his favorite, when I gave him his plate he finally spoke.

"How can this happen to me? I'm only twenty." He said tears in his eyes
"You'll be okay, you can get through anything you're the strongest guy I know!" I said, tears finally spilling over the edges of my eyes
"I still want to have kids, and marry someone."
"You can do all that! You will do all that." I said "You have to get better so that can happen."
"What if I die?" He wasn't speaking to me but I kept responding.
"You won't, don't think like that." I said crying harder and finally hugging him.
I felt his body shaking as tears left his body.

This guy who I had known since second grade, I had never seen him cry. This man had been reduced to his younger self, all the strength left him as he allowed his tears to flow for the first time in front of someone.
He had always been there for me and now it was my turn to be there for him.
Through all his problems he had said don't worry about me. He was finally letting me be there for him, but this time was the hardest time, I couldn't fix it.
I don't know how long I sat with him but in the end my shirt was soaked with his salty tears.

"Are you alright?" I asked when I felt his body finally calm down
"Not really." He admitted
"Let me get you some water." I hurried up off the couch and poured him a glass of water, he drank before saying those words I hated
"Don't worry about me."
"Oh stop saying that!" I yelled angry, how could he tell me that at a time like this
"I'll be fine."
"This is not fine! Don't tell me to not worry. How can you always say that!"
"I'm not worth it." That stung me.
"You are worth it. You're my best friend you mean everything to me, I care about you, don't you dare tell me you're not worth it!"
"This cancer is proof, I don't deserve to be happy, there is no use trying anymore."
"You can't give up just like that. You still can get better, you just need treatment."
"I'm going to bed, please lock the door on your way out."
"Joel!" I yelled as he walked away from me "Joel don't be like this there is plenty of hope."
I sighed, how do I make him see that he can overcome anything.

I drove home tears in my eyes.

The next day I arrived at Joel’s house at ten am I wanted to make sure he was alright, but he was still sleeping, that’s when I heard the phone ring.

"Hello?"
"Hello this is Doctor Moore."
"Oh hello, it’s me Ada."
"Is Mr. Hart there?"
"His sleeping, I was the friend that was with him yesterday."
"Oh, well when Mr. Hart wakes up tell him to call me I need to see him as soon as possible." He sounded sad.
"What? Why?"
"I'm afraid I don't have very good news?"
"What do you mean?"
"I'm sorry but I cannot share that information with you, just have Mr. Hart call me when he can. Thank you." He hung up

What? What isn't good news?
I started shaking. I tiptoed to his room as I tried to quite my sobbing, I just stared at him, he looked so peaceful in his sleep, he can't be ill, he just can't!

I put my hands together, I don't believe in a God but I had to try.

Please, please, please if there is a God please don't let me friend die! I'll do anything! I'll go to church! I'll volunteer more, I'll do anything, just please don't let Joel die!

I ran out of his room I couldn't control my tears any longer, so I do what I always do when I'm sad, I cook and bake.
I cook waffles, french bread, banana bread, cookies, by the time Joel wakes up the house smells like a bakery.
"What’s wrong?" He asks immediately.
"Nothings wrong?" I lie
"You're baking and your eyes are red and puffy."
"I don't know but your doctor told you to call him."
He looks scared but goes to the phone anyways. When he gets off the phone he looks terrible and he walks up to me.
"Will you come with me?"
"Of course. Eat something though."
"I can't eat. I'm too scared." He admits he goes and gets dressed and we arrive at the doctor’s office.

"Hello Mr. Hart." Dr. Moore looks at us with sad eyes.
"What’s wrong?" Joel asks terrified of the answer.
"I- I'm afraid your cancer is terminal."
"What! It can't be! What about bone marrow transfusions!" I yell out
"It won't help."
"The strongest treatment you have! There has to be something!" I yell out desperately
Joel sits again in shock
"I'm sorry there is nothing I can do."
"How long?" Joel ask quietly the words barely above a whisper
"A month."
"How can he have so little time! He can't have had it that long."
"Actually from the looks of it, it's been there for a while."
"What?"
"I was scared." Joel says.
"Are you stupid! If you wait it just gets worse." I know I'm horrible.
He looks down in silence.
"I'm sorry." I hug him
"No you're right I am stupid." He says
"Stop this Joel! You're not stupid."
"I'm very sorry." Dr. Moore says again
I look at him, "Then we'll be leaving?" I say unsure
"I will be here if you have any questions." He says standing up

We walk out of the office and go back to his house.
Last night is a repeat sitting in silence and lots of tears falling.

I can't lose him I cry so much I feel like my heart might burst.



Joel passed away, he suffered but I tried to make his last days better. I still can't believe his gone, I miss him more than anything.
His parents and I have started to clean out his house so more people can move in, I don't want people to have this house this is Joel’s house!
I know it doesn't matter though.

I look through boxes and see pictures of us from when we were younger, my heart aches more and more. Going through the box of our memories, I see a little black velvet box, with a note attached to it, it reads:



I laugh at how childish he is, before I realized what the words say.
The sink in my head and fresh tears fall from my face.
I grab a pen and check the yes.
I love you Joel.