Wake up Under the Sun

I woke up the next morning sweating and hungover. My eyes hurt, in the overly tired sense, and it didn’t help that being wrapped up in John’s arms under the hot covers caused me to feel like I was suffocating. I pushed myself away from him, careful not to wake him in the process, and crawled out from our cocoon. I inhaled deeply, my skin burning against the air conditioning blasting into his room.

I stretched my arms above my head, taking in the remains of last night. Shoes were haphazardly kicked off across the room and articles of clothing were slumped in sad piles on the carpet. I noticed my phone glow with life, then the default ringtone cut through the air. I grabbed for it before it could wake John, answering softly.

“Hello?”

“Hey Delaney, it’s Natalie,” I heard my boss on the other end. She was cheerful as usual.

“Oh hey, Natalie, what’s up?” I asked, stifling a yawn as I glanced at the clock: 10:30, the store had just opened half an hour ago. They couldn’t be busy already, and I wasn’t scheduled at all this week.

“I got a call from your mother a few days ago,” she told me. “I just need you to come down to the store so we can talk about it in private.”

“My mom?” I inquired. I saw the comforter moving as John stirred in his sleep. “She doesn’t even know I work there.”

“I don’t know, Delaney. I just need you to come down later today. I know you aren’t scheduled, but I’m leaving at 4 today so if you could come by any time before then, that’d be great. It’s nothing major, so don’t be worried.”

I sighed, thanked Natalie and told her I’d be there later, then hung up. This, of all the things that have happened in the past day, was the most baffling to me.

“Laneyy,” John groaned. I looked up in time to see him force the blankets off his head. I smiled at how messy it was now that he had lazily dragged the thick fabric over his hair.

“What?” I replied, catching my lip between my teeth.

He twisted around, eyes locking on mine. He gave me this look that asked what I was doing out of bed. His eyes squinted, his lips pressed together, and his eyebrows tensed slightly. I tossed my phone onto my pile of clothes before crawling onto the bed with him.

“I have to go to work today,” I told him as he ran his fingers through my hair.

“I didn’t think you were scheduled?” he asked curiously, then kissed my cheek.

“I’m not. I’m not really working. I have to go down there to talk to my boss,” I explained. He raised an eyebrow. “My mom somehow found out that I work there and called them. I don’t know how she found out or what she said to them, but now I have to go talk to them about it.”

John shook his head. “Your mom sure is a piece of work.”

I laughed softly. “Tell me about it. But hey, it’s almost 11, so I think it’s time to get up.”

He groaned as I rolled away from him. I changed into my clothes from last night and waited for him to get out of bed. He sighed heavily, pulling himself out of bed and dragging his feet toward the closet. He dressed in record time, and his hand found mine as we headed downstairs.

We walked the couple of blocks back to Kennedy’s house to get to John’s truck. There were still a handful of cars left in the drive and along the street, meaning there were definitely people still passed out inside. John made a comment about how Kennedy would love that when he woke up, and I laughed with a shake of my head.

“You’ll have to help him clean up when I go to work,” I told him.

He grumbled a response and I laughed, knowing he was just as hungover as I was and helping clean up a huge house wasn’t on his to-do list at all. I watched him as he drove to my house. The sun was high in the sky but it still made him glow, the same way it had when we stood at the canyon in those early morning hours. His lips moved slowly with the words to a song on the radio, his hair blew into his eyes with each gust of stale wind blowing in through the wide-open windows. He squinted against the sun as he felt around for his sunglasses.

I handed them to him, and his eyes briefly met mine. His lips curved into a half smirk as he pushed the glasses onto his face. Then his hand fell onto the seat and his fingers danced over to mine. I smiled, turning my head so I was looking out my window. We reached my house all too soon. As I was sliding out of the truck, John tugged my hand.

“Call me when you’re done with your work stuff, okay? I’m going to go help Kenny clean up, then round everyone up for a last practice. But call me when you’re done – I want to see you before we leave,” he told me. I swallowed, my lip between my teeth. I nodded, it was all I could do. He smiled, freeing my hand so I could close the door.

“Laney,” he called as I walked up to my front door. I turned to look at him. “It’ll be okay.”

Even though I wasn’t sure which “it” he was referring to, I offered him a small smile while the idea of him leaving was hitting me like a freight truck. He waited in the driveway until I was safely inside with the door shut behind me. I inhaled sharply, bracing myself against the door. I could do this. It would be okay.

I dragged myself into my bedroom to gather up a change of clothes. I showered and toweled off, tying it around my body snugly. I wrapped my hair in a towel, knotting it on top of my head. I checked my phone as it charged on my nightstand, then looked at myself in the mirror.

John leaving would not ruin me. I wasn’t going to cling to him and I wasn’t going to be upset when he left. All of it was stupid, especially for how little I’ve known him. I would never be the girl that becomes a hopeless mess. I wasn’t clingy, I wasn’t needy, and I wasn’t desperate.

But, I guess, who I thought I was, really, was a lie. I never thought I’d sleep with a guy so soon after meeting him. Granted, it didn’t exactly happen the way I imagined it would when the timing was right, it still happened all the same.

I wasn’t the girl I dreamed up. I couldn’t be her anymore. Dreams were completely different than real life. And at this point, I had no idea which one was more appealing.

I sighed, realizing I was getting nowhere with these thoughts, and dressed in undergarments. I tossed my towel toward my door, then gave my hair an extra toweling before I tossed that towel toward the door too. My hair was stringy and sticking to my cheeks and neck. The longer I studied myself, the more apparent it became that I had changed last night.

I shimmied into a pair of jean shorts and slipped into a black tube top. I slid some bangle bracelets on my wrists, a clock necklace around my neck, and slicked on some lipgloss and eyeliner. I ran a comb through my hair, and laughed. Yeah, I had definitely changed last night.

I stepped into a pair of shoes as I searched for my Ray-Bans. I just hoped it wasn’t as easy to notice to anyone else. Even through my breakdown, I had lost my innocence. There were so many telltale signs, including the mysterious gleam in my eye that I couldn’t make go away no matter how hard I tried. And there was the cliché glow my cheeks held.

I grabbed my phone, wallet, and keys, shoving things into a random red bag I found lying on the floor. I figured Natalie would be at lunch by now, so I would stop by to see my mother first to hear from her what she thought she was doing interfering in my life like this.

“Delaney,” she said when she saw me. I was pretty sure she could tell from the way I carried myself that I had found out about her phone call. Or maybe she knew I had had sex.

“Why’d you call my work? And how did you even find out I had a job?” I asked before she could say anything else.

She sighed heavily, setting her coffee cup down. That was the one thing I never understood about her. She drank coffee all day and somehow, she still remained tired. “I just know these things.”

Creepy. That was definitely creepy. “What did you tell them?” I asked.

Dad walked into the room at this moment and answered for her. “You know we donate annually to Arizona State, Delaney, right?”

“I- I mean, I remembered you guys doing that years ago when- when I thought about going there,” I stammered.

“Well, honey, we didn’t know what your plans were for this fall,” mom said slowly, her eyes meeting mine. She waited to continue so she could gage my reaction, but I was giving her nothing more than a severely confused look. “We secured a spot for you in the Early Childhood Education program.”

“I- I don’t understand?” None of this was making sense to me. I didn’t even know anything about early childhood education. I hadn’t even applied or sent any transcripts.

“We aren’t that generous of donors, but we worked a deal out with the board, and they allowed you the spot. Delaney, it’s a free education, and you’re only required to fill the education spot for a year, so if you don’t like it you can switch,” dad explained this time.

“I don’t know what to say,” I muttered, my eyes focused on my shoes.

“You don’t have to say anything,” mom said softly. “We can never make up for what we did to you, Delaney. This is something we were planning on doing, even if you hadn’t gone to live with Grandma and Grandpa. We just hope you can put our pasts aside and think about this opportunity for what it is.”

I couldn’t lie and say I never panicked about college plans, because I sure did have my share of panic attacks up until the first day of my last high school winter break when I decided I didn’t need to go to college yet, but this was all so shocking. So shocking, in fact, that I almost forgot why I originally showed up here in the first place. “So why did you call my work? I have at least three more months until the school year starts.”

“I just thought you had more important things to be thinking about instead of being wrapped up in work at such a young age,” she said simply.

“I’m not being wrapped up in work, mom. I have to pay rent,” I reminded her. “I’d appreciate it if you stopped meddling in my life so much. You gave up those rights when you pushed me aside.”

I left the house before either of them could say anything else. Flying off the handle like that was a little extreme, even for me, but it was irritating and confusing and frustrating that she had found out about my job and then to hear she told them I had other things to do besides work? Unbelievable.

I drove to the mall, stopping to get a smoothie before heading into the store. I said hello to a few coworkers before disappearing into the back room. I knocked on the office door, sipping the smoothie.

“Hey, Delaney,” Natalie said as she tugged the door open. “Come in. I was just wondering when you’d show up.”

“Yeah, I had to stop at home to change before swinging by,” I told her, taking a seat in a rolling chair. She shut the door before sitting down in her spot at the desk.

“So, your mom called us,” she started. “She told us to take you off the schedule and that you had no availability this summer. Which, you know, I thought was weird but we took that precaution and took you off. But then Dana saw you out at some party, and just casually mentioned to me that maybe we shouldn’t have listened to your mom. So, I looked at your file, saw you had no emergency contact and that your mother wasn’t listed anywhere on your application. I’m sorry, Delaney.”

I shook my head. “It’s fine. I talked to her this morning. Apparently my parents set up this whole thing at Arizona State for me without me knowing. She’s just trying to control me. We haven’t had a good past. I just moved back here after living with my grandparents in another state, so I think she’s trying to regain control and make up for those lost years.”

Natalie nodded. “Well, regardless, I should have looked more into it before taking action. I needed to apologize to you and have you re-enter your current availability so we can get you back on the schedule.”

And that was it. I wasn’t in trouble, and they didn’t hate me like I had thought in a brief paranoid state of mind. I happily put my hours back into the system and told Natalie I’d see her soon. I then spent a few hours shopping in the mall, coming out with a few new outfits I probably could have done without.

It was getting close to five when I tossed my bags into the backseat of my car. I sat there for a minute, wondering if I should call John now that my day had pretty much slipped by me, or if I should go home to see if Lex was there yet. I decided to give Lex a shot first, rationalizing that I could put my new clothes away while at home.

Her car wasn’t in the driveway, just like it hadn’t been when I left earlier, and I sighed, my shoulders falling as I shuffled into my room. I ripped tags off clothes and searched my phone for John’s number.

“Well I didn’t think it’d take this long,” John answered with a soft chuckle.

“I did a little retail therapy after I stopped in at work,” I told him, holding my phone to my ear with my shoulder so I could hang up some shirts.

“That bad?” he asked. He coughed, said some things away from his phone to the guys, then I heard the background noise die down significantly.

“I mean, it’s not bad, per se. Just a little overwhelming,” I sighed. I hung up a dress, the last of the new clothes, and looked over my closet. I guess four shirts, two dresses, and two pairs of shorts wasn’t that bad. It could have been a lot worse, I suppose.

“What happened?” he asked. “Should I come get you?”

“N-no, I’ll have to drive myself since you’re leaving tonight,” I stammered.

I could hear the hesitation in John’s next words. “We’re not leaving until later. I mean, not later-later but.. Can I take you to dinner? Or something?”

“The ‘or something’ sounds good,” I said. “I’m not exactly hungry.”

“I’m picking you up,” he said sternly. “You’re at your place, right?”

I sighed, “John, don’t pick me up. You have to leave soon.”

His chuckle floated through the phone and gave me chills. “I’ll be there in five minutes.” And then he hung up.

John showed up in exactly five minutes, like he promised, and I was begrudgingly sliding into the passenger seat. He leaned over to kiss my cheek before backing out of the driveway and taking off down the street. We were driving for ten minutes before I realized we were on the same road that took us out to the middle of nowhere where the bonfire was all those nights ago.

“Where are we going?” I asked him, taking my eyes off the road to look at him.

He glanced at me with a smile, the setting sun glowing against his skin, more brilliantly than it had at noon. “Just for a little drive. We’ll be there in time for the sunset.”

The sky was a swirl of colors already, the sun lowering toward the horizon. It wouldn’t be long now before it disappeared. We stopped at the side of the road, at what I assumed was the exact spot of the bonfire. There were a few chairs, and the burnt wood left in the little circle pit must have been the remains of that night.

John pushed his door open, looked at me, then nodded to the bed of the truck. I cautiously got out of the truck and followed him to the back. He unhitched the back, and offered a hand to me so I could climb in. I stood there, though, unsure. There was a blanket laid out, and I almost didn’t understand what he wanted me to do until he lifted me up and placed me in the truck.

“I come here to think,” he told me, climbing in beside me. “Especially on the nights we leave for tour and the nights we come back. You can see all of the stars from here, no one ever drives by; it’s the perfect place to lose yourself in your thoughts.”

I lay down beside him, staring up at the sky. It was starting to turn a dark blue now, and a few stars were visible already. The wind kicked up dirt and dust around the truck.

“So what happened today?” John asked. I could feel his eyes on me but I didn’t turn my head to look at him.

“My parents applied to college for me,” I softly said. “They picked a major for me and everything. And the odd thing is – well – I really think I’m going to do it.”

“That’s great, Lane,” John said. He then laughed, “What did they pick for you?”

I turned slightly to look at him now. “Early Childhood Education. I was thinking about it as I was shopping, I think they want me to help Kaden.”

“Maybe they do. I think you should do it. You’ll learn a lot from it, even though I remember you saying you wanted to be somewhere in the music business,” he said, tangling a hand in my hair. “Who knows what this will bring for you, but it could end up being the best thing for you. And for Kaden. Maybe you really will be able to help him eventually.”

I kissed him, my hands on his cheeks to pull him closer to me. I didn’t need him to reassure me that going to school would be right, but hearing him support the idea gave me butterflies. His other hand found my hip, tugging me on top of him.

“Can- can we try again?” I asked him, my voice quivering. I wasn’t exactly sure if you were supposed to ask to have sex, but I did anyway. And boy was it awkward hearing those words coming from my mouth. “I won’t, uh, I won’t cry again.”

John laughed under his breath, both of his hands cupping my cheeks. “You are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met, Laney. Inside and out.”

When his lips met mine again, I felt my heart stop. Nothing else mattered in the world. Not work, not my parents, not school, and not even the fact that he would be leaving in a few hours. Nothing but these seconds here, with his lips moving against mine and our clothes being placed to the side, mattered. I couldn’t control anything else, and there was no point in stressing over the uncertain.

We flipped around, John now hovering over me, and I smiled up at him. He smiled back, his lips touching mine yet again as he lowered himself to me. Instead of an instant rush of pain this time, it felt uncomfortable until I lost my thoughts and focused on him. He reached down to lace his fingers tightly with mine as he buried his face in my neck, kissing and biting at the sensitive skin there. Everything about this moment felt right, and I loved it. I wasn’t panicking in a drunken stupor over this, and it amazed me how different everything felt while sober.

We laid under the stars for a while afterward, folded in each other’s arms. His phone had been ringing for a while now, on and off, and we both knew it was his bandmates worried about where he was. I didn’t know what time it was but considering the darkness of the sky, I knew they had to leave soon.

“I don’t want you to be late,” I told him, after his phone fell silent again. “I think that’s the seventh time they’ve called.”

John exhaled deeply, his eyes boring into mine. He didn’t want to leave this moment, and neither did I, but he had to go to his band. I wasn’t going to be that girl. I wasn’t going to be needy and I wasn’t going to cause him to always be late or put his band in second place.

We dressed and headed back into town. John pulled into my driveway and we sat there in silence. Lex’s car was finally in the drive, and I knew I would need her support once this goodbye happened.

His phone rang yet again and he answered with an angry, annoyed response. “I’m on my way. Stop calling.”

I cleared my throat when he hung up. “I think that’s our cue to say goodbye.”

John leaned over, his lips ghosting against mine. “I’ll call you. All the time.”

I laughed, wrapping my arms around his neck. “Just have fun. I’ll be here when you get back.”

John smiled sadly as I moved to get out of the truck. He wanted to stay, and he wanted me to say something else, and I could tell he hated that he had to leave so soon. But I smiled again as I stood at the door, waving to him. He sighed, shoulders falling, and backed out of the driveway.

The door opened behind me and I felt Lex’s arms wrap around my shoulders, her chin planting on my shoulder. “The first goodbye is always the hardest.”