Wake up Under the Sun

I talked to Kaden for hours, which eventually led to me begging. He wasn’t saying anything or laughing at jokes. He simply shook his head no to everything we said, even when John asked him if his name is Kaden. It was puzzling, to say the least. He seemed more stubborn this time rather than the cute little boy afraid of finding his voice, his arms folded across his chest and a scowl on his face.

“Any luck?” dad asked, poking his head into Kaden’s room.

John and I sighed from our spots on the floor in front of Kaden’s bed. “No,” John said. “Not yet.”

Dad sighed too before he quietly closed the door. They had tried just as hard to get him talking before calling me. It was no use. Something had upset him and he wasn’t going to talk until whatever was upsetting him had passed.

“Kaden, please,” I begged again. “Talk to me. What’s wrong, buddy?”

“We can’t help you unless you tell us what’s bothering you,” John added.

Kaden glared at John. He had never glared at John before. He loves John, why was acting this way toward him? John noticed this, too, and leaned away slightly.

“Was it something I did?” he asked Kaden. He didn’t respond, not even with a headshake. “Are you mad at me for being with Laney? Because I thought you liked me being with Laney.”

Kaden stared long and hard at John. They seemed to be silently communicating, something that frustrated me to no end. I hated how easily John could get Kaden to open up, especially after I just spent a year in school learning all about kids.

“It’s me,” John said, more to Kaden than to me. “Can you tell me what I did?”

Kaden shook his head and looked away. John sighed sadly and I bit my lip, placing a hand on his thigh. “Kay, come on. What did we do that upset you so much? We want to fix it.”

Kaden looked at me now and his eyes and cheeks were turning red. I could see the tears collecting on his eyelashes and I frowned. “He’s taking you away,” he said softly to me.

“Taking me away?” I asked calmly.

Kaden nodded. “You’re leaving.”

I looked at John and for a moment I wondered what he meant. Then I realized he meant I wouldn’t be home this summer because I was going on tour with John. “For a while,” I said. “I promise I’m coming back. Remember when John left? I’ll be gone like he was but I won’t be gone forever.”

Kaden sighed heavily. He slid off his bed and walked between John and I, pulled his door open and left. I sighed, too, and looked down at my nails. The polish was chipping off and they were getting too long. I heard John shifting next to me and I knew by the awkward, anxious movements he was making that he didn’t know what to say or do anymore.

I wasn’t sure what to do, either. Ever since John came into my life, I’d been facing these new challenges that I wasn’t sure how to handle but he was there to help me through them all. Some things were easier than others, like choosing to accept going to school or standing up to my parents. But I wasn’t sure how to deal with John coming between my family and me. He was the one that helped me, guided me when I wasn’t sure I could do it on my own; and now he was suddenly the opposite of that.

I felt his lips on my cheek and I flinched away from him. “Please don’t. Not right now.”

I pushed myself up from the floor and looked down at him. He looked hurt, there’s no escaping that, but he quickly recovered and his eyes slid up to meet mine. They were big and gorgeous, holding so much emotion unlike every other time before. He knew what I was feeling before I did and from the look he gave me, it told me I wasn’t feeling anything positive in regards to us.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly. Seconds later he was towering over me, lanky arms circling around me. “I don’t want- I can’t let anything come between me and my family. We may be broken and I may not be able to trust my parents completely, but they’re really all I have.”

“I would never ask you to choose,” John told me. “We leave in a couple days. If you decide not to go, I understand. I love my family, too, Lane. I know how hard it is to leave them when they need you.”

When we decided to leave, the sun was so high in the sky that I couldn’t see my shadow anywhere. We went back to my house and hung around for a while; we had lunch and watched a few movies, then retreated to my room. John fell asleep on my bed moments after falling onto it and I sat at my desk chair, looking intently at my packed suitcase across the room.

I took the summer off through July, it seemed like a waste to sit around the house and wait for John to return. There was only so much you could do and say to a little kid, brother or not, and the more I thought about it the sillier it seemed. I couldn’t sit around, putting my life on hold because someone else wanted me to.

I spun my chair so I was facing my desk now and opened my laptop. I clicked a few things, typed a little here and there, and smiled at the confirmation in front of me before climbing into bed next to John. He instinctively wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head against his chest.

“You’ll be happy to know,” I started softly, getting a little mumble from John in response, “I changed my summer classes.”

“What?” he asked sleepily, eyes peeking at me through half-shut lids.

“I’m still taking them,” I assured him. “Just.. Online, instead.”

“You sure?” he asked.

I shrugged. “I don’t want to be without you. We both saw how much time school took up during the year. I want to have a fun summer with you.”

His lips pressed against my forehead and that was the end of that conversation. We stopped by my parent’s house before leaving for the tour to see if Kaden had lightened up any since he told us what was bothering him but he gave us the cold shoulder. We both hugged him and kissed him goodbye, promising we’d call often. I hesitated on the way out the door, looking back at him; I knew he would regret not saying goodbye but the guys were waiting for us and I couldn’t force him to say anything if he didn’t want to.

The drive to California was long and extremely exhausting. John drove overnight and I kept him company in the front seat – to the best of my ability. I drifted in and out of sleep a lot throughout the night but somehow I don’t think John minded. He shook me awake and when I opened my eyes, I realized we were parked in some kind of empty lot. It was still dark outside, though the sky was a lighter blue with some pink mixed in at the horizon line. John quietly opened his door and I followed suit.

“It’s going to be a long summer,” he said aloud. I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me so I quietly stood at his side, my hand in his. “I’m afraid of it.”

“Of summer?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he exhaled. When I looked up, I could see he had more to say so I refocused on the horizon. The sky became more pink, red and orange and the blue disappeared, and then suddenly the tip of the sun peeked over the earth. “I’ve heard so many things about how grueling this tour is and how it can test you. I’m scared of that unknown feeling. I don’t want to fail.”

The sun grew and grew as it rose, taking away the gorgeous reds and pinks with it. It steadily rose, as did the guys in the van. I could hear them behind us groaning as they stretched and complaining about being hungry.

“You of all people should know it does no good to worry about something you can’t control,” I finally said to him. He looked down at me, smiling slightly. “All you need to do is give your best and that’ll be enough in the end.”

John kissed me quickly and turned his sights back to the horizon. We eventually sat down in the grass, enjoying everything the morning had to offer us. Kennedy sat down on the other side of me, resting his head on my shoulder, and I smiled, leaning my head against his. John squeezed my hand tightly and I squeezed back, closing my eyes.

Like John, I was afraid of what the summer held, too.