Wake up Under the Sun

When I woke up, my head was resting on John’s chest and his arms were holding me close to him. His chest rose and fell steadily, almost like a lullaby, and I nearly fell asleep again until John’s leg slipped off the couch and his body jerked slightly. He didn’t wake up, even when I shimmied out of his grasp. I tiptoed through the house, stopping in the bathroom before entering my room to find my phone. I didn’t have much battery left, just enough for one phone call that I almost didn’t make because of the early morning time.

“H-hey Kenny,” I stuttered to his voicemail. “Last night was fun, I had a great time. I just.. I think maybe we should get to know each other better. You know, just become friends. This isn’t because of anything that happened yesterday, but I just.. I feel like being friends is best for us. Um, I know it’s early but call me when you wake up, ok?”

I ended the call, plugged the phone into its charger and ventured back into the living room. Paula Deen was, yet again, squawking about something in her stupid southern drawl. Was she always on TV or something? I can’t stand this woman and in my head I cursed John for hiding the remote because I would love to just shut the TV off right then and there. I quietly walked around the couch, picked up the mug I left there, and began to tiptoe away.

“So you called Kenny, huh?” John’s voice was rough and gravely from a long night’s sleep.

I stopped in my tracks, pulling the mug to my chest. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. How had he woken up? I was quiet in my room; I barely made any noise walking around.

“The flush woke me up,” he answered for me.

I licked my lower lip as I purposely continued into the kitchen without answering or acknowledging him. But his words sank a lot deeper than I’m sure he meant them to. Yes, I had called Kennedy. I had let him down, and I had tried to do it as nicely as possible. I left lines of communication open so we could still be friends, because god, I didn’t want to lose that friendship. He was cute and beyond friendly and caring; I knew he and I were in the same boat when it came to our families and I needed someone like him in my life.

“Is it weird that I feel bad?” I asked, suddenly turning around when I felt John hovering behind me at the sink. “I feel bad, like I broke up with him. But it was only one date.”

John smiled his crooked little smile, showing off a little sneak of his glistening white teeth. Every part of him looked tired, like he could use another three hours of sleep. His hair was matted, clothes were rumpled and wrinkled, and he looked like he had a hard time keeping himself standing. But somehow, he did it gracefully and – well – sexily.

“It was one date, Lane,” he sleepily spoke.

“But I feel bad,” I said helplessly.

John’s hands were on my cheeks and I swear my heart fell into my stomach. His green eyes were staring into my blue ones, our faces so close I could count the freckles on his cheeks. I wasn’t breathing or thinking or moving. I was mesmerized, intoxicated, and time felt like it completely stopped.

But then his hands fell from my face and he took a small step back. “Kennedy will be fine because life is full of these things. You go on dates and sometimes things just don’t feel right so you have to end it.”

I felt my skin prickle with goosebumps. He carelessly ruffled his hair, tired eyes trained on mine. I felt my stomach gurgle with emotion.

“That doesn’t make me feel any better,” I whispered. I returned to the sink and finished scrubbing the tea stains off the inside of the mug. His arms wrapped around my waist and his chest pressed gently against my back. I felt his chin sink into my shoulder and his cheek leaned against mine.

“You’ll be okay,” he said. And even though I still didn’t believe him, I relaxed into him. “We should go to Town Lake today.”

“Oh and we can have a picnic lunch there,” I said excitedly, slipping away from him. “I’ll go get dressed.”

“I’ll drive,” he said as he followed me. “We can stop by my house so I can change, too, then we can stop at the store to find things for lunch.”

I stood in my doorway, blocking him from entering. “Sounds amazing. I’ll be out in a minute.”

I closed the door on his smirk and began searching for shorts and a tank top. I had shimmied out of my clothes and was about to change when his voice slid through the door. “Make sure you bring a swimsuit, too.”

It hadn’t even dawned on me that I might need one. We were going to be on the waterfront, of course a swimsuit would be handy. I quickly pulled on my pink bikini with retro-looking flowers on it, then practically jumped into my shorts and striped tank top. I grabbed my sunglasses and phone, found an oversized canvas bag and opened the door. John was leaning against the wall across from my door, a small smirk forming on his lips.

I pulled the hair elastic from my wrist as I tugged my hair into a ponytail. John turned the TV off while I slipped into my sandals by the front door, and then we were off, heading for his house so he could change. I rolled my window down all the way, turned the radio volume up and closed my eyes against the sun. John hummed along to all of the songs, and when we reached his house he promised to be out in a minute and left the keys in the ignition.

He kept to his promise, waltzing outside a few minutes later with towels tucked under his arms. He hopped back into his truck, passing the towels to me to put in the bag. Next stop: grocery store.

John leaned against the handle of the grocery cart, pushing it along behind me. “Do you want juice or water?” I asked, looking over my shoulder at him.

“Can we get juice boxes?” he asked with a laugh. “Like, the little ones for kids?”

I laughed. “Okay. Juice boxes. Can you go pick out the deli meat and cheese and I’ll get bread?”

He nodded, saluting me before he pushed the cart past me and toward the end of the aisle. I grabbed a multi-pack of juice boxes and made my way across the store. I couldn’t remember which day of the week it was but apparently it was shopping day. There were so many mothers and their children; it made me sad. I had been home for a month now, and not once have my parents tried to talk to me.

“Why the long face?” John asked, accidentally nudging me with the cart. “It’s just bread.”

I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t, not with the stinging in my eyes going on. I curled my fingers as I bit down on my lip. Mothers and kids walked by without a care, and my heart slowed with each one that easily passed by. I was not going to do this, not here.

“Whoa, Delaney,” John mumbled, and I heard him shuffling with the cart to get it out of the way. “Talk to me. Your cheeks are turning bright red. What’s wrong?”

I shook my head, stepped forward and grabbed a random loaf of bread. I tossed it into the cart, along with the juice, and walked away.

“Laney,” John groaned, grabbing my arm. I was wrapped in his arms before I knew it or could protest. “What just happened?”

“Can we please just leave?” I asked into his shirt. “I’ll tell you later.”

He went back to get the cart and he wrapped his hand around mine, leading me along to the checkout line. He didn’t let go of my hand even as he paid and took the bags. He somehow managed to get his keys from his pocket, too, without letting go of me. He helped me into the passenger seat, closed the door and put the groceries in the bed of the truck. When he slid into his seat, he looked at me curiously before silently starting up and driving toward Town Lake.

I decided rather quickly that I wasn’t going to let that ruin the day. John and I were hanging out, that was more than enough to make me happy. “I’m, uh, sorry about that back there.”

“When you’re ready, you can tell me,” he said, eyes quickly glancing at me. We were almost there, I could remember these back streets and I could see Salt River glistening in the early afternoon sun.

I would never be ready to fully admit the things my family has gone through, but if I was going to completely melt down in a grocery store because of someone else’s family, I think the time has finally come to try to talk about my own. So when we were standing in the parking lot and John was transferring a bag of ice and the groceries into a cooler, I readjusted the bag on my shoulder nervously. John smiled, closed the cooler lid and took my hand as he lifted it out of the truck.

Surprisingly, there weren’t many little children around here. Instead, there were plenty of 20-something runners and some teenage boys fishing. On the lake were a few boaters and kayakers. We set up a blanket – one that John had randomly produced from his truck – and we sat near the water in silence.

“I have a little brother,” I said out loud for the first time in three years. John looked at me, sliding his sunglasses on top of his head. “I’ve never met him.”

“What-”

“That’s why I went to Tulsa,” I admitted. “They were fighting so hard for another child that they forgot I existed. I know I said it was my parent’s idea but it was really my Grandmother’s idea. She hasn’t spoken to her daughter in three years because of it.”

“Delaney..”

I shook my head. “Fuck. I’m sorry, really. It’s just.. I don’t do things like that. I’m not some emotional wreck. Or, well, I wasn’t until I came home and realized I’m still nonexistent to them.”

John’s hand was on mine again and I finally looked at him. I hadn’t been able to come to terms with those words and those horrible actions for so long but saying them aloud just then, letting them escape into the beautiful Arizona summer air felt so amazing, like some kind of new therapy I’d just discovered and instantly become addicted to.

John’s other hand settled on my cheek and his eyes met mine just as they had this morning. He moved his hand from my cheek to my glasses, removing them and nestling them in my hair. Now both hands were on my cheeks and my heart was fluttering. His stare was so intense, something I’d never dreamed of before. And as he cautiously leaned toward me, I felt my stomach flip and instinct took over as I leaned in too.

His lips grazed mine and I couldn’t be sure it was a real kiss. It couldn’t have been. It was hesitant and barely there, nothing like what you hear and see. But then, then his hands moved, his body shifted a little closer and his lips were flush against mine. It only lasted a few seconds, the sweet little bliss that tore my mind away from the past few years of my life. One simple gesture and it was all erased.

“You just-”

“Delaney, I have no words for what your parents did to you. When you started to panic at the store, I felt this overwhelming rush of emotion. I had no idea what made you upset or how to fix it, or even if I could fix it. I just wanted to hold you and promise to never let go,” he told me. “I promise you, I will never forget about you and try to replace you.”

“John, we’re young,” I sighed. “I don’t want you to make those promises to me. My parents couldn’t stick to it, I don’t expect a 19-year-old boy to, either.”

John looked offended but he didn’t flinch or think twice. “I promise you, Delaney.”

I sat in silence for a moment. He could promise me the world and I would never believe him or hold it against him if he failed to deliver; it just didn’t mean anything to me. Promises meant nothing anymore. But there was something else on my mind. Not my parents, or the way they inconsiderately dropped the news to me that I have a brother. It was the boy beside me; he had consumed every single bit of attention I had.

“John?” I asked slowly, curiously. My eyes met his and he smiled, knowing what I was going to say next. “You realize-”

“Oh, Laney,” he cooed with a grin. He handed me a juice box. “I do believe I just gave you your first kiss. How was it?”

It was a lot of things: surprising, awkward, scary, shocking, a relief. But before I could answer, his phone rang and he answered it with a wary look on his face. He said some things to the person on the other end, mentioned being at Town Lake, and then he sighed heavily, ending the call with a weak “Yeah.”

“The boys want us to meet them at the water park up the road,” John explained.

“Oh, okay,” I mumbled and got to my feet.

He caught my hand, looking up at me. “Do you want to go? ’Cause we don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“Why wouldn’t I want to go?” I asked him.

John shrugged before he got to his feet. We gathered everything up and headed back to the truck. The ride to the water park was short, not even five minutes, and when we got there everyone else was already waiting. Ashley was there, too, which was a bit of a relief to me. John and I approached the group with smiles, a silent agreement between us to not mention what had just happened to anyone else.

Ashley’s arm linked with mine and she pulled me away from John, tugging me to the front of the group. She was wearing a similar outfit to mine, a tank top and shorts, but Tim was carrying the beach bag.

“So Kennedy told me,” she said as we headed to the girls’ bathroom. “He’s fine with it, you know.”

“Word travels fast here doesn’t it,” I mumbled to myself.

Ashley laughed. “I’m just saying. He’s okay, it won’t be weird or anything today. He told me he messed up a few times yesterday.”

“I mean, it’s not that,” I said nervously and licked my lips. I took my shirt off, shoving it to the bottom of the bag. “It’s fine that he didn’t know certain things. I just..”

“There’s John,” she said easily.

Was I really the only one that didn’t think anything was going on with us? I guess it was because I had spent high school without anyone giving me a second glance that I had permanently lost these insights to things. I felt incredibly stupid.

“Kennedy knew he was going against his odds,” she continued. “He could tell John liked you.”

“So why’d he even try?” I questioned, stepping out of my shorts. “Not that I mind or anything.”

Ashley laughed, smiling genuinely at me. “Because he liked you, too. He just hoped you hadn’t started to like John. Simple crushes, that’s all. Plus he was drunk, so he had that liquid courage in him.”

“But he’s not mad?” I asked to make sure.

“Nope!” she said cheerily as we headed for the door. She skipped over to Tim so she could put her clothes in their bag, then they disappeared around a corner as they headed for the pool.

John was leaning against the brick wall outside of the bathroom. His shirt was crumpled in his hands, outstretched toward me. I motioned to take it from him but he pulled me into him instead and shoved it into the bag himself. “Ken’s not mad,” he told me softly and kissed my forehead gently.

“I know, Ashley just told me,” I nodded. “Hey, so, about what happened..”

John raised an eyebrow. I knew it wouldn’t be long before we were discovered hiding in this dark little corner, so I had to make it quick. “The kiss?” he guessed.

I nodded dumbly. “I- It was great.”

John grinned and pushed himself up. His hand laced with mine, and together we headed for the water park. The sun was now high in the sky, the heat just barely manageable. There were several places to go, all of them looking so exciting. There were water slides, diving boards, lap pools, and a river-looking tunnel of a pool that people were just lying in and being carried around. That’s where I wanted to go first, but John insisted we go to the highest, scariest looking slide first. We left our bag at the table the others had taken over and began our journey to the slide.

“It’ll be fine,” he promised as we climbed the stairs to the top of the ride. “It’s a two-person one, so we’ll go together.”

The slide was more like a dark hole of a tunnel. It was black, long and winding, and extremely high up. As we climbed higher, you could hear the screams of the people inside as they went down. I gripped his hand tighter, moving closer to him as if that would somehow make it better.

We waited in line for 15 minutes before we caught sight of Garrett, Tim and Ashley a few people ahead of us. Garrett went first, with a random girl so that Tim and Ashley could be paired together. As the lifeguard pushed their float into the tunnel, I could hear even Garrett yelling on the way down.

I swallowed hard. I wasn’t one for this kind of thrill but John obviously lived for it. He couldn’t stop talking about how fun it is and how after I went down once, I’d want to do it over and over again. My worry only grew as we got closer to it being our turn. John laughed and tried to tell me stupid stories to get my mind off it but I couldn’t pay attention. I was panicked.

“Alright,” the lifeguard said, setting the inflatable tube down in the little pool of water. “Keep your hands inside, close to your body. When you hit the water, swim to the side so the next person can have their go.”

John helped me into the contraption. Of course I was sitting up front and he was behind me. The jets of water started to go faster and I could feel the pressure of the lifeguard’s foot on the tube.

“Hey Lane,” John said quickly.

“What?” I snapped, my hands turning white from gripping the handles so tightly.

“I forgot to tell you when you walked out of the bathroom. You’re beautiful,” he said as we were shoved into the darkness.

My heart leapt into my throat as water splashed all around us. We were moving too fast, slipping all over the place. I could feel the scream bubbling for the first few seconds and it escaped when we were practically on our sides, falling out of the inner tube as we rounded a corner. I couldn’t stop screaming after that. It did no good to shut my eyes, either, because somehow it made things worse. It was over relatively soon, though, and we hit the water rather hard. I kicked off the bottom of the pool and swam to the surface, coughing as I broke through.

John was smirking, tugging the seat to the side. He handed it to the attendant and waited for me to reach him. “What’d you think?”

“I think I hate you,” I gurgled.

John laughed as he wrapped his arms around me. Then, he kissed me for a second time and it was, in all honesty, so much better than the first. He was more confident this time, knowing that I wouldn’t reject him. Water droplets from his hair fell onto our noses and our bodies slipped against each other as we struggled to stay afloat. Everything about this kiss was happier, and freer.

He pulled away slightly. “Wanna go down it again?”

I lifted myself out of the pool. “Duh.”